I need a nap

The Precious sleeping through to 6:30 am is now the exception instead of the rule.  Despite all of my best efforts at putting him down earlier, dressing him lightly or  having a hearty dinner, he is still getting up between 2 and 5am.  Sometimes after I give him a bottle, he decides to be quiet for 5 whole minutes before he breaks out into a baby aria. I am also now waking myself up in anticipation that he’s going to get up. Or sometimes I get up to pee and then I just lay in bed waiting.

I’ve also been struggling with him to put him down for naps.  Just the other day, it was a breeze and now it’s a battle.  It pretty much started when he began to crawl and stand.  Now he can cruise around quite quickly on his own. I was warned about this.  There are lots of  tumbles and spills and he needs me around to keep him from braining himself.  He is tall enough now to lean out of his exersaucer and retrieve the dog’s treat ball.  He just prefers play and interaction with me, the dog or even random dog bone than have a nap.  I’d put him down, he’d scream for an hour or so while I pretended it didn’t bother me.  I couldn’t get anything done anyway because I couldn’t hear myself think.  Between the dog, the kid and my mum, and trying to keep the household going, I was getting  a little crabby.  So I took a page out of my husband’s book and now I just play with him until he’s tired and thirsty.  No more struggle, just surrender to the fact that my to do list will be very, very short.  I’m going to check for more baby activity programs for the afternoons, our little baby singalong once a week is not enough.

It’s pretty dry in our place, and I don’t blame the little guy for his big thirst, we always have water on our bedside tables.  I bought a simple little Sunbeam humidifier for his room, but frankly, I’m the one who was coughing so I tried it out in our room.  I’ve been in prop planes that were quieter.  Okay, I’m exaggerating, but it didn’t really stop me from sleeping but it does wake me up when it starts spitting and sputtering.  Hubby is not too happy about it either , so I guess I’m returning it. Just not sure when.  The only upside is that it kept me from listening to his chirping  and I actually fell back asleep faster.

I’ll have to break out the big bucks for a sleeker, quieter model, you know – use the bucks I save for the babysitter.

Celebrity rant

I never do this.  I really don’t care about the private lives of celebrities.  I’ve worked with a lot of them.  They’re just regular people.  Well, horribly insecure,self centred,  scary good-looking and thin regular people. I just have to get this off my chest.  Randy Quaid applying for refugee status after he and his wife were arrested on an outstanding warrant.  Seriously?  Does anyone just follow the regular rules anymore? If you really want to live in Canada,  you just have to fill out some paperwork and pay a fee (or get an expensive lawyer to do it for you) but since your wife’s dad is Canadian she could actually sponsor you.  Again, a nominal fee and a promise to be financially responsible for you for 10 years.  You could have done this last year and you would have picked up a West Vancouver property for a song.   Why now?  I mean, he’s probably made more money in one gig than I have made in my entire LIFE!  So if you don’t like where you are living or you are afraid for your life – you could hire security or spend your free time searching for the “star whackers” or perhaps publish your paranoid astute thoughts in Variety as a warning.  Or you could always MOVE somewhere else in your very large country.  Some celebrities prefer to live outside of L.A.  Like in another state on  a ranch surrounded by electric wire.  I hear Alaska is nice and you could take their lovely airline to LA whenever you want at a favourable price.

Perhaps he felt as persecuted as African-Americans did back in the day when they were being lynched for looking at a white woman the wrong way.  Betcha they wanted to come up here and claim refugee status but the Underground Railroad had been closed for some time.   Or perhaps the thousand of Jews in Nazi Germany who were turned away.  Good thing Canada has progressed as a nation in terms of immigration.  We may not be able to get rid of the war criminals or  drug dealers, who after all just want to be free to make a few bucks in peace just like anybody else, but we are more than willing to give shelter to a bona fide movie star.  In any case, there are lots of people you could stay with here (not us)  or perhaps there is a vacant condo you could live in.  A neighbour would even let you run a cable through their window so you can watch cable.  We are a hospitable people  if nothing else.

Listen, I’ve always liked his work and I’m sure he would be fun to work with. I’d even love to have dinner with him and his wife.  I’m sure they’re a lot of fun though I doubt they’d pick up the tab.    However, I find it annoying when people claim “refugee” status out of sheer convenience, particularly privileged people.  Their family is not being taken away in the middle of the night for their political beliefs, they’re not hiding under floorboards from machete wielding secret police, they’re not even trying to unionize a sweatshop or trying to advocate for the poor and voiceless.  They don’t  even look really hungry.  They just can’t/won’t pay their tax bill (just a theory).

I’ll see you on set, Randy, but don’t worry, I won’t sneak up behind you.

How things change

Monsoon weather has began and heralds the lack of sunshine we’re about to endure for about the next 5 months.  Well, I’m exaggerating of course (sort of) but I suppose it’s better than tornadoes.

The weekend was pretty busy.  DH was on daddy duty so I went for a lovely pedicure and spent a quiet afternoon studying for a Buddhist exam the next morning.  Then we went out Saturday night for a friend’s birthday.  It was our first time using an official babysitter, a lovely young university student.  Okay, I admit, I called her when I went to the bathroom. I couldn’t help myself.   He cried a little at bedtime, no doubt not used to having a stranger put him to bed at night.  Everything went well, but man, it’s expensive!  At $14 per hour plus what we spent on dinner, I can tell we’re not going to be doing that too often.  Then again, the point is that we should go out together at least once a month, right?  Have a little fun?  We were a very diverse group at 10 sitting at a round table in a Chinese restaurant.  And we were the only ones with a kid, so it was refreshing not talking about kid stuff all night.  People were going out dancing later, but it was rainy and cold out and all I wanted was to go home and snuggle in my flannels.

Morning came and I was out the door to do the exam.  Our organization had this exam in order for members to really deepen their study.  It was multiple choice and fill in the blank kind of stuff.  It was kinda fun actually. I saw two women who had I gone to Caledon with who have given so much love and encouragement and it was nice to see them.  I looked back to an old post when I actually attended this conference and it brought back the memory of being on the bus, listening to the other women talk about their children with such love.  One woman said her son was her heartbeat.  I thought for her sake nothing had better happen to him.  Now I know exactly how she felt.

Then back home to hubby who was exhausted and congested from a cold (welcome to my world, buddy) and took the Precious to a friend’s pumpkin carving party.

I had stopped going to these events because there were always the same people there with tons of kids asking the same old questions about my family status.  Yet there I was carving the kid’s first pumpkin while kids were running around.  I didn’t have that awkward out of place feeling I had always had.

Funny how some things change, eh?

Superstar

Well, my little walk on cameo was on Diary of Wimpy Kid 2.  Vomit Lady #1, that’s me.  I drove out to the middle of the burbs for 7pm, got called to set at 1:10am and was wrapped after 3 takes of screaming and was home by 2:10am.  What did I do for 6 hours in a tiny, stuffy trailer?  I read a big fat book, Stephen King’s Under the Dome and drank Neo Citran.  Not a bad gig, I’d say.  Feature film have good budgets, hence I had nice clothes that are not from Value Village and they treat you really well. Why can’t I have someone do my hair everyday?  The hairstylist took my sad old ponytail that I stick on my head everyday and made me look all slick and put together.  And why can’t someone follow me around with an umbrella to keep the rain off of me?  Why?????  Life is unfair, that’s why.

When I got home, I thought I heard the tiny wonder so after removing a ton of makeup and pulling out hairpins, I sat on the edge of the bed and waited.  Silence, so it was safe to go to sleep.  I didn’t even hear DH get up at 5am. I heard him playing the little guy in hopes that he would sleep in.   What can I say about a guy who gets up two nights in a row and brings home flowers? He’s awesome! I got up by 8  and made coffee and opened up the laptop, and the kid woke up.  Yeah, good try, honey.  I think he smells the coffee.  I’ll get up tonight even though it’s my sleep in day tomorrow.

I have an audition later today and I called in a fellow actress to babysit for me.  She makes quick cash and I can make a quick getaway.  We’re also going out tomorrow night and I have another babysitter coming in!  Oooh, look at me!   Getting all independent and everything.  It makes evenings out a bit expensive, but with this gig, and notetaking income coming in, I think it’s worth it for my peace of mind.

A bit weary

When DH came home from work yesterday, I was hoping he’d take the Precious out with him and the dog.  Of course, the Precious was delighted to see him, as seeing daddy means flips on the bed, being thrown in the air and  fun time all around without attempts to clean his snotty nose, cut his nails or moisturize his face.  (Question: Why does he get a cold just as new teeth are coming in?  Does he even have a cold?)  But DH wanted to unwind and gave me the lame excuse that he couldn’t go to the dog park because somebody wants to get out of the stroller all the time. He wanted to unwind.  Really.  I have NO idea what that’s like.  Oh, wait a minute, yes, I do.  Like  yesterday when we went to the dog park and I take him out of the stroller while Juno played with the other dogs.

So, I was  a bit weary but I pack the dude up and went to see mum.  I found her sitting in the hallway on a bench.  It was after dinner and the residents were wandering the halls.  She was happy to see us.  She looked much better but she was not connecting.  I asked her to open her mouth, so I could see but she just nodded and then looked at the baby.  I asked her again and again with physical prompts, she would nod like she understood, but she didn’t.  Maybe she just didn’t want to do it but I don’t think that was it.  I talked with her nurse about her seeing an occupational and physical therapist and then I left with a promise to spend more time with her today.

By the time we got home, it was dark and I was not about to make dinner, so I picked up some takeout.  Hubby had prepared the kid’s dinner and was now  in the mood to take over.  Then I realized I had that tell tale tickle in my throat.  I’ve got a cold.  As my good friend says…Good times.  Shoot day is tomorrow, I’ll let you know how it goes.

Standing guard

I was a having a totally excellent day with the Precious the other day.  We walked in the sunshine; it was that typical beautiful Fall day that you makes you forget winter is coming.  Cool, crisp air, blue skies, multi-coloured leaves, the whole deal.  We come home and I shovel lunch into the big guy’s mouth, a bottle, and he goes down without a squawk.  I settle down with my laptop, expecting to take him for another walk later to pick up some DVDs later for transcription work and the phone rings.  My mum fell down, split her lip and lost her tooth.  She tripped over some sort of threshold that construction workers put down in the dining hall.  They were sending her to emergency for stitches.

I called hubby and luckily he could come home to mind the baby.  I picked up the DVDS and then went to the emergency to wait with mum.  When I found her she was sitting on the bed with her big eyes staring up at me.  She looked like a lost little girl.  My heart broke.  She was doing okay, but I just wanted to break down and cry.  There was a laceration just on her top lip and a deep gash underneath.   She only had the front two and now she had one.   They couldn’t find it at the home.  It wasn’t a critical situation so we had to wait a while to see a doctor.   Oddly, we were in the pediatric care room so we had a TV.  I turned it on and I sat down beside mum and chatted with her.  She told me not to cry.  I managed for her sake.

When the doctor came, he discussed the possibility of not doing stitches because she might become combative and he didn’t want to put her under.  Well, I know my mother better than anyone and he meant well, and I’m going with the assumption that he was thinking of what would be easier for mum instead of him.    I told him to get her some sedatives; she was getting very, very restless and was wandering around the ER and I could only redirect her so much.  So they got her medication, she calmed down and they froze her lip and did the stitches no problem.  I couldn’t be in the same room when they did all that.  I just waited outside.  Makes me wonder what I would do it if it was the Precious.  Except my mum is a grown up and though fragile, she is a warrior.  To see her like that though just made me so sad.  The doctor was very sweet.  At one point, he commented that, “This must very difficult for you.”  I just replied that it had been a long road and I was just grateful for the time we shared. I have to say that hospital is great and staffed with some very caring professionals.  It was important to be there for someone to make sure that they know that old lady over there is LOVED and will get the care she needs in a reasonable amount of time.

I looked across the room and saw another senior laying silent on a gurney and no one was there waiting with her.

Later that night, I got another call that she had fallen off her chair but that she was fine.  Sigh.

I did one hour daimoku for her and all the mothers out there who need it.

 

One step closer

We spent a couple of days with the in-laws for Thanksgiving.  She made a delicious meal and I was very happy to be there with them.  I brought a dish of candied yams and a low fat apple pie (made with honey brushed phyllo) to share.  Considering the chips, chocolate, wine and cider I drank all weekend, I better put my mouth on lockdown til my next weigh in.  Sigh.  It was all good, y’all, but now I’m paying for it with indigestion and constipation.

My MIL asked if I hear from the Precious’ birthmother.  I told her that I did and every now and then I send her emails with pictures and updates about his progress.  Hubby has never been comfortable with a lot of communication, and his mother feels the same way.  I did try to explain the reasoning behind it and I think she understood that it what was best for her grandson.  She’s from the generation when adoption was closed and everyone thought it was for the best. Now we know that is not the case.

Man, that little baby is growing up.  He’s crawling and pulling himself up and exploring his environment.  He had a great time!  Both dogs behaved beautifully around him, even when he took one of their rubber balls for his own.  Yeah, I know, gross, but I washed it.  He knows his Nanny and reaches out to her with open arms. It’s great to see the smile on her face when he does that.   I get such a kick out of that – like by extension I could make someone glow with happiness.

One night he slept straight through til 6:30 am but the next night, there was a windstorm in the middle of the night and the chimes on the porch went crazy.  It woke us all up.  He woke up and then DH and I waited and waited.  He babbled, but didn’t cry.  Then minutes would go by and he would be silent and then start up again.  I got a bottle ready.  We kept doing the wait and see game.  Eventually, he got louder and louder and in I went.  It’s times like that when I wish we had a nighttime nanny whose only purpose was to be there for him if he wakes up in the middle of the night.  I always think that until I feel him curl up against my furry robe and nestle in, bright eyes looking up at me.  It gets me every single time.

A couple of weeks ago, we received the Precious’ birth certificate.  It’s these bits of official papers that remind me we’re not quite done with the process.  Somehow I expected two of them.  One recording his birth name and his birth mother and one for us.  I’m sure it was explained to me how it was all going to be, but somehow I still expected two.  I know the other one is on record with the state.  I have a box for him, all ready to go for all things related to his story except of course a birth certificate in his birth name.  I sent a copy off to the immigration gods in Buffalo and hope to complete his permanent residency in due time.  I hate dealing with government offices, don’t you?  It’s like you send precious stuff off and you just HOPE that they get it and everything is in order.  In a perfect world, I should be able to call SOMEONE and get that PERSON to actually pick up the phone and speak to me as to when I will be getting a response.  Not a confusing website, full of answers to questions I don’t want to ask.  Oh well, I’m sure it’s the same anywhere.

I’m also going to be busy this weekend working from home.  Doing some notetaking from a DVD – which will have to be done at night of course – boo – but when it’s all said and done, there will be a nice fat cheque in the mail for me – yay!

Great article to read

You have got to read the article in the latest O magazine called – Mourning Has Broken by Ian Wallach.  It’s about his grief in reaction to his wife’s miscarriage.  I was really moved to tears by it.

I’ve never suffered a miscarriage, but I could relate to the grief and heartache of infertility.  I certainly felt grateful that we had a successful adoption.  Even when my back is on fire and my eyelids are heavy, I wouldn’t trade that for the joy our son has brought into our lives.

It’s also refreshing to see a man’s perspective on such matters.

Things to be thankful for

As an update of the little mister’s sleep routine – well, we had two nights out of week where he slept straight through to 6:30am.  So we put him to bed a bit early, no playtime after bathtime and since he’s napping mid day and only once I might add, he’s been pretty tired.  We also dressed him a bit lighter (the weather has been warmer lately).  The other 5 nights he still woke up in the middle of the night yelling his head off for milk and once cause he had a poo.

He also has 4 teeth up top coming in and today was NOT  a good day.  He didn’t eat very much and was very clingy and whiney today.  I tried all the homeopathic stuff but finally used the Tylenol and he slept for 2 hours, then back up whining, more homeopathic stuff.  Of course, today was the day I interviewed a babysitter and she got to meet his cranky self.  I finally told DH I just couldn’t take the kid to auditions all the time.  It’s brutal trying to get ready and prepare while he needs this and I can’t always accommodate his schedule when some things just need to get done.

The other day, I finally got these all natural product using cleaners to come in (I had bought a housecleaning visit through one of those bulk buying deals online) and it took them 2 weeks to schedule me in and don’t you know it, I got an audition the day  and time they were supposed to come.  I called a young woman that I know (I paid her) to come by and watch him (he was supposed to be sleeping before the got there but he wasn’t having it) and let the cleaners in.  Turns out they were running late, and I was home right before they arrived (right at the very second he was falling asleep).   Luckily there were two of them so they were done in 90 minutes, so I could get my house back.  They had to skip his room as he was napping.  The dog  and all her loose hairs got put out on the balcony.

So if this baby sitter checks out, I will have at least two people I can call on to watch him during the day if I get busy.  It’s nice to have friend who can help you out in a pinch, but I just can’t rely on friends’ generosity all the time.  Cause you know, they start saying no and then you have to move down the list and I don’t know too many people who are available during the days/weekends or don’t have kids of their own to attend to.  I’ll call this girl’s references when I get a chance and hopefully she’ll work out.

Funny, DH said he didn’t know if he liked the idea of a stranger watching our kid.  Well, I pointed out to him that they are only strangers until you get to know them.   We don’t have family nearby, mum’s dementia disqualifies her and all of our friends are employed.  Who doesn’t prefer a trusted friend?   However, they are not always available.  He always tried to come home early if I need him, but he’s not going to cancel meetings for it.   I need to get some help when he’s travelling and if the dog can get a walker, the kid can get a sitter. I also went to the gym for the first time in a year and a half and HE had to change his plans.    I’m going to spend more weekend time in the gym.  I am so sick of my back giving out on me and I need to work on my core.  I used to be able to do 100 crunches in one sitting and now I can barely do 10.  I finally lost 5 lbs – can you believe it took this long?  2 1/2 months people.  To be honest, I think there was/is a great deal of internal resistance going on.  I waited for the WW people to call out my name and hand me my 5 lbs lost gold sticker.  I was waiting to say that my secret was that when  I run out of points, I just go to bed.  In the end, I had to go back to the nazi weight scale stations and beg one of the counsellors for one.  I think I’m finally getting tired of being surprised when I look in the mirror.

I just wanted to wish all my Canadian friends a very happy Thanksgiving.

I am grateful for…. a gig I got that I didn’t even have to audition for. I was supposed to film it tomorrow, but they just changed the date from two weeks from now.  A no line part in a kid’s feature, but the pay is pretty darn good.  My Visa bill is breathing a sigh of relief and Christmas is coming, folks.

We’re going to the in-laws this weekend and then back in time to do the turkey thing all over again with my mother.  I made  a low fat apple pie and candied yams (West Indian style, none of that sickly sweet miniature marshmallow topping crap) and now I have to pack my bag.  With all the baby crap plus the dog crap we have to bring, I’m sure I’ll forget something.

I am grateful I’m not cooking a turkey.

My MIL suggested we book a hotel room and I thought that was a brilliant idea – the thought of a decent night’s sleep (no, not sex) sounded divine.  Alas, there was not a hotel room in Victoria to be had.  No, I’m not kidding.  No, wait there was a one.  In one of those cheap, roadside places with questionable bedding.  Mmm, not my idea of a getaway.  Then when my film day got switched, we COULD get a room for Friday night and we found a nice place we could use travel points for but then MIL realized she couldn’t handle a restless junior and then deal with a heavy cooking day.  So there went that idea.  Sigh.  Good bye comfy bed, hello freezing cold night on a foamy on the living room floor.

I am grateful I have a loving MIL who will make Thanksgiving dinner even though she hates cooking.

I just got my period and inside I’m a cranky bitch on wheels with one last nerve. DH got a new smart phone and he’s had his face in it for 48 hours straight. I’m going to step on it.

I am grateful for the wine that I am about to have this weekend.  In moderation, of course.

It’s 1030 and I am neither packed nor asleep.  Yikes!

More musings

Love your comments about the film, Away We Go.  I’m sorry I didn’t get to see the end, I was too tired.  I’m pretty darned sure I would not have attempted to get pregnant after adopting 4 kids.  I’m sure people do it though.  Trust me, there were a few people who said, oh, you’ll probably get pregnant now!  Hahahaha!  Adoption as a cure for infertility?  Hey, why not just hang that out there so I NEVER GIVE UP THE DAMN DREAM!

When I decided to adopt, I was pretty much done with trying – my “advanced maternal age” and all. No more hormones, no more expensive ovulation kits, no more timed sex.  Hah, no more sex!   I stopped keeping track of my periods, and somehow having sex seemed empty.  I have mentioned this ages ago, but I had the last of my eggs placed inside my uterus in an unmedicated cycle.  I was just done.  We both were.    I just didn’t want my eggs to stay frozen year after year after year.  Why?  Why not let them expire inside of me?  Hence, my moniker.  So when the inevitable BFN arrived, I had to truly come to terms that I would never be pregnant, never experience childbirth, never get to see the child that would be part me, part him. No cute maternity clothes, no belly shots, no birth announcements in the paper.   There would be no friends surrounding us with flowers and balloons in a hospital room; DH would never get to hand out the cigars, we wouldn’t have a birth video to record his arrival.  All the stuff I had fantasized about for years.

What made it worse was that once I truly understood understood what adoption entailed, I grieved all over again because now the process was public.  When we had talked about adopting years ago, it was all theoretical.  We had no idea of what it really meant.  True, I didn’t have to spread my legs anymore for the inspections and procedures, but I had to reveal myself to social workers, lawyers, receptionists, even the Kinko people when we made our profiles.  Hey look everybody, we’re begging for a kid!

The fantasy I had of me and DH in a hospital room in half light with our little one on my chest was gone.  I had to answers questions, be fingerprinted, deplete my life savings, PROVE my worth (or so it felt) and WAIT.  AND WAIT.  AND WAIT.  And then of course the fact that another woman had to let go of the child she had given birth to, carried around inside of her for 9 months and leave empty handed in order for me to be a mother.  I was grateful, but it made me sad.  When all eyes were on me, I demonstrated absolute resolve, calmness and my mouth made the words coming out make sense.  People said congratulations!  I smiled p0litely to the gatekeepers along the way from the social worker to the courthouse to the customs officers.  And when I came home, I sobbed out of sheer relief.

I was not in the position to “try again”.  I get it universe, this is my path, and it occurs to me that I may have been saved from a worse fate.  The real miracle is that I no longer yearn for a child part me/part him.  The Precious looks up at me with his big eyes and he wipes away all thought of what could have been and embraces me in the present.  This is his gift to me.