As I was going through one of my drawers, I came across my mum’s expired passport and a couple of photos of her in better days. She looked so young. The mother I knew when I was growing up. Rings I’m holding on for her. It made me a little sad. A side effect of going through stuff, I’m afraid. And then I found an email I had printed out from my husband about 4 years ago. Life was pretty crappy for me at that point, so I hated to be reminded that things were ever that bad. Yet I’m also glad – keeps me from complaining too much in the present. I see all the stuff I’ve been hanging on to. Bits and pieces of things – like shoe strings, buttons, ticket stubs, play programmes, love notes, we need to talk notes. Wow, I am a pack rat. Or a collector of memories, depends on your point of view. I get so attached to the smallest of things.
I still have a few syringes and paraphernalia left from my cycling days. I held on to this stuff on purpose. Mementos of a life wished for and not attained. I’m not sure why this seems so important because the only thing in life you can count on is that things change.
Infertility manifested itself in our lives and nothing was ever the same. No matter how well balanced I feel, now matter how calm I feel, I always feel vulnerable to reminders of the past. I’d like NOT to considering my dream of being a parent came true.
I subscribe to an email newsletter about family events in the city. I read one item that promoted a group called Birth Lounge that’s all about birth, pregnancy and beyond. Not that there’s anything wrong with that in the slightest. They’re sponsoring a big event and I noticed that one of the sponsors was an acupuncture clinic that I shelled out a substantial amount of money to help me conceive all for naught. For one brief moment, I actually felt excluded. It was a reminder of my infertile past. I watch a pregnant woman on TV getting photography shots of her belly and I feel a slight sadness that I didn’t get to have that experience of carrying my child. There’s no saying that if I had been pregnant that it would turned out all right or that I wouldn’t run into some horrendous medical condition. Something tells me that pregnancy would have left my body a flabby wreck and I’d be moaning about that now for sure. Yet, sometimes I get that old message that says I screwed up somehow, I made a mistake somewhere along the line.
I feel pretty content in my life these days. After about 7 years of crap, life has becomes more sweet than bitter. Yet, still these small things get under my skin a little. I hate that. These bits of papers and things that remind me of the past.
Time to take out the trash.
February 25, 2011 at 5:13 PM
I hope you have better luck than I do. I have little folders, packets, boxes, whatever…with things from forever ago. I always wonder why I keep them because they really don’t make me feel good. Most of the time they make me sad, so what makes me hang onto them? It’s almost like if I don’t have the things, I will forget, which I guess would be good right?? Hmmmm. You have given me something to think about this weekend.
February 25, 2011 at 9:32 PM
Isn’t it amazing how long those little reminders prick us and make us bleed? Good luck taking out the trash. {{{Hugs}}}
ICLW #19
February 26, 2011 at 5:32 AM
Yup, I began going to a local place that sounds similar (breast feeding mom’s galore & me). Everyone was REALLY nice an supportive. I found it didn’t really matter, that I hadn’t given birth to my Lovey Girl, I was going to through the same stuff they were, but yes, occasionally I felt that little pang of envy.
February 27, 2011 at 6:48 AM
I sometimes read over my diaries from a rough spot in my life and in my relationship with my now husband, and it helps me appreciate how awesome our life is now. It also makes me thankful because things were tenuous then, but we worked it out.
Good luck on the moving! I’m glad you’re getting weekend time to yourself.
February 27, 2011 at 9:49 AM
Thanks for sharing. We’re on the road to adoption now and I have similar painful (and yes, sometimes bitter) moments. Sometimes I worry that those moments will never go away, even after our peanut gets here. And I guess they won’t. But I am counting on the sweet eclipsing the bitter….
February 27, 2011 at 10:31 AM
I was in the basement yesterday, waiting for a load of laundry to finish, & started poking around. I found a stack of magazines I’d totally forgotten about, dating back to the early 1990s!! Out to the blue box they went. I told dh he could laugh but not get mad at me — there’s no incentive for me to throw stuff out when he gets mad at me for letting it pile up in the first place. ; )
February 27, 2011 at 5:02 PM
Early last spring, my Beloved and I were cleaing out the closets and dressers, getting rid of anything we haven’t worn in a while. I was going through my bottom dresser drawer and came across my positive hpt’s from my two lost pregnancies. I don’t know for sure why I kept them, but upon seeing them I burst into tears. And as much as it hurt me to see them, I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away. I don’t know if I’ll throw them away this year… maybe.
ICLW
January 1, 2012 at 3:26 PM
Hey D … Just stopping by from creme de la creme after spending a good bit of the first day of the year working on chucking the past myself. Or at least, the material bits of it. Wishing you and your beautiful fam all the best in the New Year.