The twins

Didn’t make it to yoga yesterday morning but Juno had the touch of the squitters so I elected to stay home and keep an eye on her.  She’s fine, hubby likes to give her things like buffalo bones and they don’t always agree with her.  Miss Juno has a delicate tummy, you see, and she’s been throwing up lately.  Nothing serious, just bile, but it seems to be related to whatever she gets her little mouth on – like eating the cover off a tennis ball, duck poo, said buffalo bones and Terra bones (which never bothered her before, and they’re supposed to be organic treats for dogs but whatever).

So Miss Pessimistic Paranoid (that’s me on the subject of getting a baby) was having a teary fit on her occasional days of work.  I’ve already figured out an exit strategy to avoid telling people the unfortunate news.  I’m going to Bali – Ubud to be specific and I’m going to stay at the Tegal Sari. It’s a local accommodation situated next door to rice paddies, not one worthy of terrorists blowing up.  I’ll be staying for 5 weeks I think – with massages every other day.  The local women will tut tut my sad, childless state and tell me to eat some strange herb.  I’ll do a colonic cleansing – which I swore I’d never do in this lifetime – and go on a master cleanse (another thing I swore I’d never do).  For that, I’ll just have to drink the local water, that should do the trick.  I will lose 15 pounds instantly.  I’ll call on every healer on the island to work their juju on me.  Then I will eat everything that isn’t nailed down.  Should I take a lover?  That could be dicey since I’m married, but hubby will be sad and stoned most likely, so perhaps he won’t mind.  Then I’ll come home, write a book, and go on Oprah and be famous for 15 minutes.   The end.  Please note I have no intention of getting a fertility clinic somewhere to knock me up at the age of 60.

Miss Full of Faith and Optimism also has a plan.  She is much stronger and won’t give in to stinkin’  thinkin’.  She’ll keep busy, keep away from horror stories on the net and take care of her health so that she can pick up her kid and not throw her back out.  She’ll work hard, make money and read bedtime stories with dramatic flair. She’ll hang out with her friend at the local Starbucks with gigantic strollers blocking the path and bitch about being tired and finding the right nanny/au pair so we can get our pedicures done in peace.  We’ll pretend they’ll grow up together, fall in love and make mocha babies.  Oh, yes, I’m sure my friends’ baby is a girl, she hasn’t mentioned anything yet but I bet ya they know the sex and aren’t saying anything to me cause it’s a girl.

I need to flesh out more details on the good news dream.  This is my one big regret:  this is not who I was 5 years ago.  The uber positive, good things happen to good people woman.  Buddhism teaches that no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages;  that I shouldn’t abandon faith just because it seems the gods have forsaken me.  This matter of infertility and childlessness has been my companion for so long, that’s it’s difficult for me to perceive a life without either of these things being my focus.  Even if I don’t talk about it much, even if I don’t feel sad about it, it’s like this background noise that I can never quite tune out.

I also want to say thank you for all your support now and in the future.  Cause I’m going to need it folks.  And now for something that just makes me smile.


One officially adopted dog


8 thoughts on “The twins

  1. Yay for Juno’s official status!

    And may I just say how much I LOVE this post? How many times have my own twins waged similar battles… The bit about background noise just hurts my heart, honestly. It is so damn hard not to attach to these things that seem to be who we are, even when they are horrible suffering that we wouldn’t wish upon our worst enemy. But you don’t need to worry about letting go of it all right away. It will happen like everything happens – slowly and mysteriously and quite likely out of the spotlight of your mind. And one day you will wake up and realize that the noise that has become a part of you is suddenly gone, replaced with something else. I hope and pray that it is replaced by a particularly joyful kind of worrying noise and the sound of your heart breaking open to contain more love than you ever felt possible, and that all of this is connected to the little boy who will join your family in approximately 4 months time.

    Much love to you, my friend. Cultivate those good dreams, and may they all come true.

  2. I to understand the pain of the wait for confirmation of a link. It is like living in limbo and agonising. MY solution which has worked is to buy childrens clothes. I know I am crazy but this helps. If my adoption doesnt work out then I will donate the gifts as Xmas presents.

    “Sucess in life is not being dealt and good hand but in playing a bad hand well”


  3. I always feel as if my words are so petty compared to how you’re feeling. I can’t help you with your struggles, I can’t pop into your head or your heart and take away even just a little of your pain. All I can do is sit here and pray, hope, send you everything I’ve got. I hope you know it’s genuine and so true.

    Hugs and peace, my dear friend.
    P.S. Congratulations on Juno being officially adopted. You’re so wonderful to you, as I’m sure she is to you.

  4. I can’t believe how big Juno is now. It wasn’t that long ago she was a little puppy humping her stuffed toy. If I were there I would hang out at Starbucks with you…I happen to be drinking a Triple Grande Non Fat Mocha with whipped cream right now…and I would listen to you and try to encourage you and give you a big hug or two. This would all be contingent of course on getting to meet Juno as well. 🙂
    Oh, and to answer your question. I had a birthday in May and so the countdown is on to 40. I know when I am 60 I will look back on my posts and think I was so silly to put such importance on it.

  5. Triple grande non fat mocha with whipped cream? Who you kidding with the whipped cream? 🙂 Of course you could meet Juno, she’d be with me of course on the patio. I have to say that infertility has completed wrecked my birthdays, I used to really enjoy them as oppose to thinking of my ovaries going south every year. My chances of being MILF are seriously gone by the time I’m 60!

  6. I’m afraid I’m intruding, but I just found your blog and I love it. If I were more restrained I would wade quietly in your words, smile, and be grateful for the refreshment. However, being not much restrained I’m splashing around, laughing, and wanting more.

    I was surprised to realize that the life I lived waiting for my children was vital for my becoming. The crises of infertility, and ultimately two successful adoptions, forged an emotional stamina that I am deeply grateful for. I wouldn’t be the Mama I am if it had come easily to me.

    Make a great day.

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