Still the same waiting game

So we had our social worker visit and it went really well.  Of course, I was cleaning and sweeping from the night before and putting out fresh flowers just to give the place that special sparkle.  She was really pleasant and it went really well.  DH did most of the talking, oddly (I’m usually the chatty one) and Juno chewed on a rawhide. She behaved like an angel right on cue!  Just to remind you, we had to have this visit according to the state’s requirement.  She said she was there basically to make sure we didn’t have holes in the walls and pot plants hanging on the windowsill since the last time we had someone over.  In BC, you don’t have to have a social worker visit once your homestudy is complete until after you have brought an infant home.  And lucky for us, she only has to come 3 more times when that happens.    I did show her the photo I had purchased (2 years ago!) in anticipation of having a child.  It’s a picture of a Buddha’s hand cradling a flower. Yes, it’s still sitting in the 2nd bedroom, waiting patiently to be framed and hung.

I have said this before in a protected post, but I’ll say it again that you may want to consider going directly the States if you’re looking at private adoption. You just have Hague approved lawyers and check references.   This really depends on individual circumstances of course, but there are a few things I would have done differently.  One of my fellow bloggers in BC got a match within a week! I was kind of hoping I’d be one of those people!  The universe however had other plans for me.  You can’t count on any access to the rest of Canada in your search.  Each province handles adoption differently and the ministries only look within their own province.  This is why some people are told they may be waiting for 5 years or more.    And let’s face it, it’s a numbers game and I’m assuming there are more adoption opportunities in the States.

I’d have to say the waiting part has been the most emotionally challenging.  We’d been seriously trying since 2004 to have a child and it’s not like you can turn that yearning off like a spout.  I even told the expectant mom that if we hadn’t met her we were going to call a halt to adoption plans by the end of the year.  It was just too hard on me.  And the constant stress during this recession has seriously whipped hubby’s butt.  I don’t know how he’s going to react to fatherhood (in terms of not getting enough sleep; he barely made it with Juno) and most guys I know aren’t too crazy about babies cause they can’t kick a ball or laugh at their fart jokes. I hear guys talk about not wanting to support another man’s child but women are expected to raise their man’s children.

Does anyone have any kind of input about how couples deal with the new infant experience?

Sometimes I get freaked out and think what if I suck at motherhood and have a breakdown cause I finally got what I wanted and now I can’t handle it?  Then I remember all we’ve been through so far, all the heartbreaks and shattered hopes and angry words.  I remember I have Gohonzon.  I’ll be fine.

Still waiting.


11 thoughts on “Still the same waiting game

  1. Glad the visit went well. I’ve seen a couple of books within the last year or two about marriage after children. Just did some Googling & here are a few:

    I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper: Loving Your Marriage After the Baby Carriage (lol, love the title)

    And Baby Makes Three

    Babyproofing Your Marriage

  2. Two vivid memories of DH & Baby MG moments:

    1/ The first diaper change, done by DH, in the hotel with L (her birthmom), Grandma J and her big bro C looking on. I was too freaked out to do it with an audience and said to DH “no time like the present to get some daddy experience”.

    2/ Many evenings where DH fell asleep on the couch with MG sleeping on his chest. She never found the same comfort in that position with me as she did with DH and to this day, he says it’s the thing he misses most about when she was a baby.

    They rise to the occasion, despite our doubts, they really do. And I think in my personal case, he attached to her much quicker than I and I know without a doubt he loves her to bits.

  3. Darling Deathstar, I have great faith in your ability to handle this process and everything that will come after – especially motherhood. Just keep remembering your strength and your resilience, and remember that your heart is limitless. Yes, you will be fine.

    I am having a bit of a freakout about Manny’s ability to handle new fatherhood, too. But for as many people as have said that men don’t seem to bond with children until they can do stuff, I’ve heard so many people say that they have been amazed by how strong the connection is between their man and their newborn. I don’t know about you, but often when I get really wrapped up in a story about how Manny is, that is when he just comes out and shocks me with how much he really gets me and does the exact opposite of what I was expecting.

    On the other hand, it is pretty much universally agreed upon that the first 6 weeks or so are incredibly tough no matter what, and that kind of stress can just expose all the cracks that are in any relationship. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything for the long term – it’s just a rough time.

    The good part is that we are likely to be going through this at almost the same time – so we will have each other to vent to when the need arises!

  4. I think any sane person is scared *&^%less at the idea of actually having to be a parent, even if you’ve never wanted anything more in your life. It’s a big task. And somehow, most parents manage to do a relatively OK job. So I’m betting you’ll both be great.

  5. I believe you will be an AMAZING mother. You are compassionate and you’re willing to learn. Both of those are qualities you will need as you raise your child. Oh and you must love all things dirty. Maybe worms, too. Just my experience with Zilla.

    As far as my husband with infants, he was good. He changed diapers and did as much as he could. As they got older, he did have more fun with them. I’m sure your DH will be fine!

  6. I have absolutely no doubt you will be a great mom. I am sure it will be stressful and I am sure there are times when you will wonder what the heck you’ve gotten yourself into and there are times when you’ll really just need a break…like all moms. And that’s ok. If I have any advice it would be to allow yourself to take that break every once in while.

  7. Like a lot of notes said, you will be a great mom 🙂 My husband took on – not only me, but my two children from my previous marriage. He didn’t have to, but he did. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who he is not allowed to see (long story thanks to his ex) .. and parenthood was one of those places that we connected. However, I outright told him about my ex and everything going on there(not good) and my kids and how my (at the time) youngest had a rare genetic disorder and how I wouldn’t expect anyone to really want to take the three of us on. But he stuck around, and he did. He loves those two boys like his own, and we went on to have 2 more boys. My point is, Men are fully capable of loving the children in their lives just as much as if they had come from their seed. Men view pregnancy way different too. Just because they help put the baby there doesn’t mean there is any connection. I think it honestly depends on the guy and if it’s what he wants, he’ll make it happen. KWIM? My husband was very involved with everything – except he wouldn’t give baths until they could sit because he had a negative experience with his nephew when he was younger – the baby slipped out of his hands and went under water, although everything was fine, he just was never comfortable after that doing bath until they were sturdy. It was something I told him he needed to get over, he was older now, and accidents like that happen, but I also realized it was a true fear so it wasn’t an issue, I gave baths. Every parenthood experience is unique and you just don’t know what works until you are there.

    I hope that you get matched soon. I can tell you are just itching to be handed your child to love and raise 🙂

    Happy ICLW 🙂

  8. Happy your visit went well. I can only imagine what a stressful process adoption must be after all of the heartache of IF. I wish you all the best on this leg of your journey.

    The fact that you are having doubts about being a great mom makes me quite secure in saying that I think you’ll make a great mom! I know that getting what you’ve dreamed of can be very frightening, but I’m sure you (and your husband!) will do just fine.


  9. the fact that you will be a wonderful, loving, and compassionate mother does not change the fact that it is going to be HARD in the beginning. it is lovely and amazing but it is hard, especially trying to balance work/sleep/life/relationship.

    it depends whether you will be primary caretaker or whether care will be shared, but either way you will both need breaks. after a few tense moments, we agreed to check in with each other and help keep each other fed and hydrated in those early days.

    I’m certainly no expert, but we survived the first 3 months so far!

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