DH is finally back home – well, I did see him last week so we weren’t apart too long.  Of course, as soon as I got back, I realized all the things I didn’t have time to do were still waiting to be done!  I need a pair of glasses, contacts (I went to Costco in August and got fitted a sample pair and STILL HAVEN’T GONE BACK), my eyebrows are a mess and my snatch still needs to be snitched.  I’ve got immigration papers somewhere around here that need filling out.  My feet lost the war between my flip flops and the New York streets.  But the memory of having dinner in a backyard patio and the lights dimming for the start of a Broadway play still carry me…..

When DH goes away for an extended period, I never really mind that much.  It’s like a vacation for me in a way.  Yes, I miss him, but I also get to enjoy peace and quiet, I don’t cook (I subsist on soup and popcorn) and I walk the dog a lot in woodsy trails and catch up with friends. It’s like being single without actually being single.  The remote control is all mine and I don’t have to hear the noise of UFC and Shark Attack in the background.  I don’t have anyone asking if I have done this or taken care of that 5 minutes before I get around to doing it.  I don’t shave my legs as often and I can fart without acknowledging it. I suspect he feels somewhat the same when I’m away.  Nobody nagging him for drinking right out of the milk carton, and to take the garbage out and close the door when he’s in the bathroom.

Couple weeks ago, he told me he had a dream where I had left him.  It’s rare that he even remembers his dreams, rarer still that he gets upset by them.  Of course, in my snarky way, I told him I just might yet.  Not nice of me.  I rarely think of him as someone who needs reassurance. Me, of course, that’s another matter.  After all, I tend to carry my hurts with me for years.  But him?  His ego never seems to be in disrepair.   I do admit that infertility, depression, weight gain and my erstwhile career (as I watch other friends on American TV) has managed to effectively curtail my confidence.  I do have some control over some of  those issues.  I rarely think of DH as needing any reassurance.  I should know better after all these years with him.

I forget that he needs me to acknowledge him, reassure him that I still love him, still want to be with him.  That all his efforts to deliver a child into our lives have been appreciated.  Perhaps he was thinking that  he wasn’t enough.  I can certainly understand that.


6 thoughts on “Appreciation

  1. I really like this post, and I can totally relate. Because Manny is so even-keeled, I think I’m the only one who needs reassurance or comforting or affection. And that’s just wrong. We all need to know that we are loved and chosen and special.

    Thanks for writing this. I will fuss over Manny tonight a little bit extra and tell him how much I love him.

  2. Isn’t that just it? Men act all confident and secure and unemotional and then we relax a little too much and take it for granted. I am always shocked when discovering I have hurt dh’s feelings.

  3. I feel your pain,
    “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, (do buy the book it highlights gender diffeences).

    We went through years of trying, two Ivf processb failure and DH was macho “if it works then it does if if dosent so be it”,

    well they both failed, I cried buckets and was told “why dont you go for counseling”

    a few years dont the road DH started to feel the delayed emotion, “ie why cant I make my wife or partner happy and provide her with a child?, then the spanish inqusition when i wanted to go out with the girls!!!

    however now we are going down the adoption route, i have DH suggesting we go for two.

    In a nutshell some men are unable to articulate their pain but feel like they need to be ressaured they still have a place no matter where the interfility lies they feel it is their fault they need to provide and care for us..

    Si imho your DH needs you to validate and reassure him that regardless of the journey you appreciate him.

    So do go and nuture him.. and make him now you need him and cant do this alone…

    (No offence intended by lecturing only my experience)

      • I can get my DH to eat ice cream but the tears I dont think I could cope with! In our relationship there is only room for one emotional, cry at anything sado aka me. DH has to be the strong one to pick up the pieces. If the two of us were the same, we would be in big trouble. (btw aplogs for prev post ie mistakes, I didnt have my glasses on)

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