Archive | November 2009

I have a son!

Just a short note to let you know – she signed the papers today – we were on our way to do some shopping(to keep distracted)  and we got the call from the social worker.  We pulled over in a  McDonald’s parking lot and just broke down – tears of relief and joy!  I hadn’t even taken a picture of him yet.

I’m a mother.  I can’t even believe it.  I don’t think it’s sunken in yet.  I am a mother.  DH is a father.  A daddy.  Holy crap.

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Rainy day

Why is nothing ever easy for us? And for the umpteenth time, we know the message is that it’s not about us.

Emily did not sign the papers today.  Good news is that she didn’t ask for the baby back, but she was too emotional to sign the papers so the social workers had to leave it at that.  It had taken us 45 minutes to reach an outlet mall and then we got the call from the social worker.  We got out the car, baby in tow, and were numb.  I went to the washroom and changed his diaper.   We were surrounded by strollers and families and kids’ stores.  It was too much. We drove back home.  We held it together until we got back to the hotel.  I fed him and held him and cried.  I imagined we would be celebrating tonight.  Making happy phone calls to friends and family.

I’m not entirely sure how this Emily’s turmoil is going to change in a day or even 10, but tonight, I’m going to feed him, change him, wash him, hold him.  Maybe she needs a few more days,but maybe her answer is really no.  I have no idea.  No say, no control.  It’s not my call.  I just want what’s best for “my son” and if giving him back to his mother is what’s best(not according to me, but her), I am prepared to do it.  I want to go home.

 

 

Sunny day

There’s so much to fill you in on- but at the moment, it’s still another about 16 hours to go…. but I feel supported by daimoku and amazingly I have shifted into cruise control.  Steady as she goes….

Purgatory

Every time the phone rang, there was tension. We are definitely not running the show here.    But we’re good at following instructions…. it was extremely emotional, tears were shed but the short story is we now have a  baby boy in temporary custody.  I can’t say “our” yet and I won’t tell you the name…. cause we have to wait til Sunday before the papers can be signed.  Yes, another 24 hours more than I expected, but that’s the way it goes.  We’re back at the hotel, numb, and drained.  We’ll probably hear from Emily tomorrow and we’ll arrange a visit.

We feel like babysitters at this point.  He hasn’t opened his eyes yet with me.  He has a big, beautiful proud nose.  I like holding him.  I like feeding him and diapering him.  I still can’t exhale.  This is like Chinese water torture.  Seriously.

I’m drunk!

It’s been a fucking rollercoaster….and since it’s apparent that things change from minute to minute, let me just say that I have laid eyes on this wonderful boy. I only cried a teeny tiny bit.   However,and it’s been a big IF – we still have to get through 72 hours….. stay tuned.  And yes, it’s Thanksgiving weekend and Miss Social Worker has let me know that this is inconvenient for her and she has to drive an hour and back and we may have to WAIT TIL MONDAY?!!!!**!!! til the papers get signed but let me tell you, this is horrendous and I am drunk right now.  So please no congratulations, no bravo, nothing is a done deal yet.  Thank the heavens for little green pills, or are they blue, but does is really matter now, I’m in love with the green pills.  And Rosemount Shiraz.

We had dinner at a nearby hotel cause everthing is closed and guess who took over the dining room… and the lounge….   and the bar?  A family reunion!  Complete with a gaggle of children.  Yay!

Oh, yeah and we saw David Hasselhoff yesterday.  He was hungover I think.

Holy crap!!!!

Guess who got a text this morning?  Yep, that would be me. I ignored it.  Followed by a phonecall, guess who’s having a baby right now!?  Gotta run like the wind!  Got a plane to catch Nam myo ho renge kyo!

Swirling thoughts

I was walking the dog in my usual cathedral, Ipod in my ears (that song Who Knew by Pink making me cry) and trying to sort through my anxiety.  As is my curse, I start by looking backwards.  A luxury of being middle class.  I still felt the sting of losing my friend to cancer and the loss of my dear Sampson.  I missed the laughter and wisdom of my girlfriend.  I want to talk to her.  I really wanted to have her antique rocking chair but could not bring myself to ask her miserable sister.  I wanted it selfishly because it the last chair she sat in, the one that went with her from place to place.  I wanted to feel her there when I rock a baby in my arms.  I have no idea where it went.  I’m still pissed that I didn’t get that memento of her to carry into my future.

I wondered where the time had gone – eaten up by that beast infertility.  I struggled, I rallied more than a few times.  Even enjoyed being childfree (I can hop on a plane just as soon as I get the dog kenneled).  I can walk as fast as I want and watch daytime TV.  I go for coffee and cake and speak uninterrupted on the phone.  Sometimes people ask me what I’ve been up to this year and I feel a bit ashamed.  I smile, mumble something.  No new film coming up.  I’ve been waiting.  You know, up until July I think I was actually adjusting to a childless life and then we were matched and  that bitch hope entered  my life again.  Up and down we went on the rollercoaster.  Will I win, will I lose, and at what cost?  Pun intended.  All my talk of creating and I’ve nothing to show for it.  Work wise I mean.  It’s difficult to feel fulfilled when the artistic side of you is not working.  Just typing.  All finances have been directed to two things.  Treating ourselves to relieve the anxiety of financing our adoption and well, the adoption.  All in the midst of a recession and job insecurity.

I can see why Virginia Woolf needed a room of her own.  How does a woman write, or accomplish something without having her concentration being continually broken with the demands of a dog that needs to be walked, food that has to be cooked, laundry that has to get cleaned, emails returned, floors swept, rugs vacuumed, husband’s phone calls and a demented mother to visit?  You notice I didn’t mention children, right? My life was set, I’d made disappointment my friend and grey hairs my new enemy. Now I’m actively trying to figure out what my life will look  like with an infant to get to know.  I missed the first 9 months, so we’ll be starting from scratch.  You know I’m not a morning person.  I gotta have at least 1/2 cup of coffee.  Mmm, need to learn how to use the automatic timer on the solo barista machine.  Yeah, I the motherly type, but let’s face it, I’ve been mothering a dog for the past 9 years.  And the only thing I’ve nursed is a hangover.

Oh, boy. I pop over to A&A’s blog to sneak a peek at a little black baby.  Check.  Still think they’re cute.  That’s good news.  Maternal feelings still there. Whew.

DH is back.  Well, sort of.  He was home for a bit, he walked the dog and then had to leave again for a business dinner.  Tomorrow is another late day, we have mum over and then it’s Wednesday, I’m working all evening so I should be home in time to watch hubby snore in front of the TV.  Sigh.  Well, at least with a kid, I’ll have a legitimate reason for not having sex.  Speaking of which the last time we TRIED to have sex, the dog practically pulled up a chair and stuck her rather long nose into our business.  We laughed so hard it ruined the moment.  I have to say she looked rather…. distraught.

Ah, at least we can still laugh together.  Note to self, keep plenty of bones in the freezer.  That way, we can ALL have a treat.

I got to learn not to take life so seriously.