I finally told my district leaders that I was adopting – well specifically that the time is drawing close. I knew that I would tell them soon, but after a particularly touching experience by my district leader, I felt it was the time. Both of them inspire me so much in different ways, that I just wanted to ask them for their support, guidance and daimoku.
I was so nervous about telling them before because of well, I didn’t want them to be disappointed or feeling pity for me if it fell through. I wanted to come home with a child first so I wouldn’t have to face telling yet two more people of an undesirable outcome. The first time I went through IVF, I remember getting the phone call that we were unsuccessful. We were devastated, in shock at the enormity of what that meant. A neighbour across the hall, knowing our timeline, called us and was WONDERING what the result was. I told him it wasn’t a good time to call and he still didn’t catch on. I repeated myself. It felt a little like trying to communicate through a tin can with string, words were echoing through my head. Of course, a week later, he told us that his wife was pregnant. My sunny disposition was no longer so fucking sunny.
This time I realize that either way, I will be okay. Knowing full well I can’t control the outcome (which I certainly didn’t believe when I went through IVF cause if you do/eat/say/think all the right things you will WIN!) is a bit of relief in a way. I still think I have an attachment to being a mother, but for the first time I’ve considered that being a mother is not the only path to happiness. It still feels like my application for motherhood just keeps getting rejected and this time I’ve had the interviews, gone before a panel (oh, boy, have I!) and now I just have to WAIT for the final approval. Trust. Faith. I am enough. Don’t bake the banana bread and make annoying phone calls and send gifts to seal the deal. What will be will be. Insert stupid platitude here.
I’ve been following A&A’s blog and they actually flew across the country to then find out that the birthmother changed her mind. They’re recommitted to waiting for their child and waiting for a new match. I felt so sad for them but impressed as their resilience. Their faith has sustained them and gives them comfort. What else is faith for? I find it interesting that their agency doesn’t make matches until the final trimester of pregnancy. I had never heard of that before. It certainly makes decision day come a lot faster.
I will continue to pray for the best outcome for us, the expectant mother and the baby. I want us all to find our way.
In the meanwhile, our 8th anniversary is this Saturday. 8 years, and we’ve gained weight, grey hair and perspective. it is an achievement, for a while there, I wasn’t sure we could make it. Last year, there was a lot of penny pinching and bad moods, this year we’re going to splurge a bit. Why the hell not? We are enough.