Out of the closet

I finally told my district leaders that I was adopting – well specifically that the time is drawing close.  I knew that I would tell them soon, but after a particularly touching experience by my district leader, I felt it was the time.  Both of them inspire me so much in different ways, that I just wanted to ask them for their support, guidance and daimoku.

I was so nervous about telling them before because of well, I didn’t want them to be  disappointed or feeling pity for me if it fell through.  I wanted to come home with a child first so I wouldn’t have to face telling yet two more people of an undesirable outcome.  The first time I went through IVF, I remember getting the phone call that we were unsuccessful.  We were devastated, in shock at the enormity of what that meant.  A neighbour across the hall, knowing our timeline, called us and was WONDERING what the result was.  I told him it wasn’t a good time to call and he still didn’t catch on.  I repeated myself.  It felt a little like trying to communicate through a tin can with string, words were echoing through my head.  Of course, a week later, he told us that his wife was pregnant.  My sunny disposition was no longer so fucking sunny.

This time I realize that either way, I will be okay.  Knowing full well I can’t control the outcome (which I certainly didn’t believe when I went through IVF cause if you do/eat/say/think all the right things you will WIN!) is a bit of relief in a way.  I still think I have an attachment to being a mother, but for the first time I’ve considered that being a mother is not the only path to happiness.  It still feels like my application for motherhood just keeps getting rejected and this time I’ve had the interviews, gone before a panel (oh, boy, have I!) and now I just have to WAIT for the final approval.  Trust.  Faith.  I am enough.  Don’t bake the banana bread and make annoying phone calls and send gifts to seal the deal.  What will be will be.  Insert stupid platitude here.

I’ve been following  A&A’s blog and they actually flew across the country to then find out that the birthmother changed her mind.  They’re recommitted to waiting for their child and waiting for a new match.  I felt so sad for them but impressed as their resilience. Their faith has sustained them and gives them comfort.  What else is faith for?   I find it interesting that their agency doesn’t make matches until the final trimester of pregnancy.  I had never heard of that before. It certainly makes decision day come a lot faster.

I will continue to pray for the best outcome for us, the expectant mother and the baby.  I want us all to find our way.

In the meanwhile, our 8th anniversary is this Saturday.  8 years, and we’ve gained weight, grey hair and perspective.  it is an achievement, for a while there, I wasn’t sure we could make it.  Last year, there was a lot of penny pinching and bad moods, this year we’re going to splurge a bit.  Why the hell not?  We are enough.


5 thoughts on “Out of the closet

  1. Happy anniversary! 🙂

    Hope all goes well for your adoption plans. I don’t have access to your pw protected posts so I’m not sure of the details but I’ll be thinking of you!

    I love your outlook. Being someone who will most likely have to accept a child-free life, it helps to read positive (yet realistic) perspectives like yours.

  2. Our birthmother chose us in her last trimester and the agency didn’t tell us until after he was born. In our state, there is a mandatory 72 hour waiting period for signing the paperwork after birth. THEN this agency took the baby into foster care for 3 weeks so be certain that the birthmother had no regrets. Thankfully we knew NONE of this while it was happening. I would have lost my mind. We got a call on Monday, that we were selected, baby was born and we were to meet him Thursday. They were the longest 3 days of my life. I am not patient by nature.

  3. Deciding who to tell what & when is one of the harder parts of this whole journey. Sounds like you’ve made a good choice & will get the support you need from your leaders, whatever the outcome. (((hugs)))

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