Purgatory

Every time the phone rang, there was tension. We are definitely not running the show here.    But we’re good at following instructions…. it was extremely emotional, tears were shed but the short story is we now have a  baby boy in temporary custody.  I can’t say “our” yet and I won’t tell you the name…. cause we have to wait til Sunday before the papers can be signed.  Yes, another 24 hours more than I expected, but that’s the way it goes.  We’re back at the hotel, numb, and drained.  We’ll probably hear from Emily tomorrow and we’ll arrange a visit.

We feel like babysitters at this point.  He hasn’t opened his eyes yet with me.  He has a big, beautiful proud nose.  I like holding him.  I like feeding him and diapering him.  I still can’t exhale.  This is like Chinese water torture.  Seriously.

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11 thoughts on “Purgatory

  1. You are at the hardest part. The part where you desperately want to fall in love, but your head wont let you. And then you realize it’s too late, your heart already has.

    Fingers crossed, hoping, praying & chanting and generally doing whatever it takes to send good karma your way.

    BTW, Chinese water torture is easier.

  2. oh this is so hard.

    it’s not like your head can really tell your heart NOT to fall in love. as someone wise once said to me, what do you gain from holding back?

    we are thinking of you all. I just emailed you before I read this, btw.
    xo

  3. To be so close (literally) and yet so far must be terrible, but the hope that you are almost there must be exhilirating. Many fingers crossed that this goes through and that you will graduate from babysitter to Mom.

    It’s about time, don’t you think?

  4. I remember the first few weeks…I was terrified to fall in love with our son. Every time the phone rang my heart sank, worried that it was all going to come crashing down.

    It didn’t.

    But I COMPLETELY understand your feelings. It is a cross between hysterical happiness and plain hysteria.

    Once you are home, in your comfortable surroundings, you will be able to let go, and if you are like me, sob right along with your son 🙂

  5. Wow…what an unbelievable situation you are in. How amazing to have him there, but how excruciating to not be able to let go completely and pour yourself into it. Chinese water torture sounds about right.

    Sending you lots of good thoughts to get through the next day and a half.

  6. I have goosebumps all over — taking deep breaths for you with tears in my eyes — holding you in my heart and sending sending sending love out there to you my friend.

    Oh my goodness.

    Goosebumps again… and ah, Luna ”what do you get from holding back” — that sounds like familiar and wise advice — though terrifying to open that heart I know. Deep deep breaths.

    Love,

    Pam

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