Rainy day

Why is nothing ever easy for us? And for the umpteenth time, we know the message is that it’s not about us.

Emily did not sign the papers today.  Good news is that she didn’t ask for the baby back, but she was too emotional to sign the papers so the social workers had to leave it at that.  It had taken us 45 minutes to reach an outlet mall and then we got the call from the social worker.  We got out the car, baby in tow, and were numb.  I went to the washroom and changed his diaper.   We were surrounded by strollers and families and kids’ stores.  It was too much. We drove back home.  We held it together until we got back to the hotel.  I fed him and held him and cried.  I imagined we would be celebrating tonight.  Making happy phone calls to friends and family.

I’m not entirely sure how this Emily’s turmoil is going to change in a day or even 10, but tonight, I’m going to feed him, change him, wash him, hold him.  Maybe she needs a few more days,but maybe her answer is really no.  I have no idea.  No say, no control.  It’s not my call.  I just want what’s best for “my son” and if giving him back to his mother is what’s best(not according to me, but her), I am prepared to do it.  I want to go home.




19 thoughts on “Rainy day

  1. Oh dear…. I feel so horrible for you. You are walking the same path we did – which obviously turned out well for us. I’m hoping beyond hope that it will turn out for you as well.

    Hang in there. Is there anything Sunrise will do to at least help you get a better handle on where Emily’s head is at? It’s the not knowing that is killer because you have no way to prepare.

    Thinking of you.

  2. It sounds like such a difficult place you are in.

    I am breathing peace for you.

    Sending you as many peaceful thoughts as I can muster.

  3. I wish I could do more than just send you good thoughts that this limbo will be over soon and that it will end well. You have come so far – please let it work out!

  4. oh this is so hard. all you can do is keep on breathing, keep on chanting if that gets you through. such a tough place to be. this is so effing hard.
    we are holding all four of you in our hearts. xo

  5. Awww honey. Your last sentence says so much more than 5 words.

    The only thing you can tell yourself is that once the papers are signed…that’s it. It’s over and you take your son home.

    Try to keep your focus there.

  6. I’ve been lurking but wanted to pop out of hiding to send my best wishes. We were there too… and I know what that phone call feels like. Like the floor literally drops out from under your feet. I’ll be thinking of you day and night.

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