Walking around

I was out on my daily walk with Juno and Special K and was feeling particularly lonesome for some reason.  My galpal was off to meet her personal trainer (what’s that?) and so I was left to the ducks and the swans.  I ran into a little boy that I saw the other day who coincidentally had the same name as my son.  We chatted with his grandmother/mother/sitter/friend and her dog while Juno acted her usual skittish self.  She doesn’t take kindly to strangers.  Then on we went and on the way home I ran into another young mother and her 5 month old in one of those …what’s that fancy word… ubiquitous jogging strollers you see everywhere in this town.  I tell you, tiny babies are like crack to women.  They just gotta have a little taste.  She was probably as desperate for adult talk as I was and so we chatted a bit about the stroller, how old our children were, etc.

Then off the road to home I went and I saw a filming crew setting up on the street.  I felt a deep pang.  I so wanted to be part of it – in a cozy coat, walking down the street with a script going to block the shot.  Sigh.  I ran into an actor I knew who was indeed on his way to do just that.  A tall, handsome black fellow that I know.  I introduced my son and we chatted.  When actors ask you what you’ve been doing, they rarely mean in your life, they mean work wise.  I pointed to the kid as my new creative project.  He said he wanted kids, but he’s a guy, and frankly, he has all the time in the world.  Dusty eggs won’t wait for Mr. Right.

To be brutally honest, I felt a little like crap.  Not cause I wasn’t happy with my new life, but because I so missed my old one.  The one where it was all my accomplishments, the pride I took in my work, the excitement of a new gig.   Having been on the childless side, I knew exactly what it was like to talk to a mother and want to know what she had been doing BESIDES raising the kid.  And most of the time, I got a vacant stare.   I chimed in that I had been directing a few theatre projects since he’d last seen him, etc, but as he went his way and I went home, I felt a bit of sadness.

I guess the universe heard me and sent me some people to talk to; a nine year old kid (what was he doing out of school?), a young mum, and a hot actor.  There’s a post in there somewhere, but I’m off to walk the kids and then go visit a Buddhist friend.  Hopefully, she’ll have something sage and wise to tell me.

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10 thoughts on “Walking around

  1. Hmmm, thanks for your honesty. I often wonder what it will be like when I get the litle one. With everything that I’ve poured into this pursuit including time, money, and grit, I’m nervous about how I will feel once I become a mom. I so appreciate your blog and the fact that you are sharing your story.What comes through from your posts is that your fiercless honesty is a great strength. You are not afraid to face the truth and I suspect that with that approach to life you will figure out how to manage this new identity in stride, but like everything else it takes time. xo

  2. It’s like this whole process takes a toll on our identities. My careen and confidence have taken a major beating due to this journey and it is scary to think that it’ll continue well after the goal is achieved. I thank you for sharing this – and I feel that you’ll create an amazing life that works for you.

  3. The one thing that nobody says out loud is that being a parent to a baby can be incredibly boring. There I said it.

    It is even more forbidden to say it, when you have gone through hell to become a parent.

    All of a sudden you become someones parent, instead of just, you. The you that was before you became a parent, and the parent you, will blend….I promise. At some point there will be a happy medium between the two and you will have that balance of your old and new self.

  4. Can I just copy your post and paste it into my blog post? It sums up exactly how I feel when I’m asked about work. Still lookin for the happy medium between old self and new self over here. Hopin’ “some point” comes sooner than later!

  5. Ohhhh, I can so relate! It took me quite awhile after MG’s arrival to shift from full-time working wife to mom. I never did make the full shift to SAHM and I wont lie, I was tickled pink when my mat leave ended so I had something other than poop & puke to talk about.

    Know what? Now, when I talk to people, despite the fact that I work FT & have lots of adult interactions to recount, the only ones that seem to matter are those with MG. Weird. Oh, and I get that glazed over look from my lawyer friend too so it’s not just actors. LOL.

    So, when are we getting together???

      • Nope… couldn’t get the time off work because my co-worker is gone. I’m going to head down & enjoy the atmosphere though – I think MG will get a kick out of the excitement. Plus, she loves skytrain. LOL

  6. You have been through such changes in the past few months. Before, you had the focus of the adoption, etc. Now you have your wonderful son, but also the drudgery of the day to day to keep you company. It seems really natural to me that you would miss pieces of your old life and who you were before. Hugs.

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