Good news is that hubby is only away for a few days. I’ve arranged for JuJu to get picked up for her adventure hikes Monday and Wednesday. It really is such a benefit to not have to worry about walking her twice a day. I am so fortunate. That means I can take the Precious and go shopping for food or whatever and not deal with picking up poo (well hers at least), or dealing with her sketchiness when a skateboarder goes by. Honestly, it’s like having TWO kids some days.
And – tada! – I’m having someone come in to clean on Wednesday! I’m officially bourgeoise! Except I have to do transcribing work to afford it, but whatever. The place is a dustbowl. I’m letting a lot of stuff slide cause I was starting to go a little nuts occupying every free moment sweeping this or washing that. I have an overwhelming desire to clean up for the cleaning woman. I’ve never had anyone come in to clean my house and I’ve already apologized to her for the dog hair she’s going to find under the couch. Does one stay home to supervise and make sure she doesn’t make off with the chocolate hidden in my underwear drawer or do you just leave instructions and go out for a walk? Do I come back early to make sure everything is to my satisfaction? Cash or cheque? What’s the etiquette here?
I also would like to get some p/t babysitter at some point. Maybe next year? Right now, I find it hard to be away from him. I accepted some transcribing work (of course, when hubby is away) but I’ll only be able to do it when he goes down for the night. And when hubby returns, I scheduled work away from home in the evening. Getting back on the spin bike has to happen pretty darn soon as I am now experiencing the tight jean phenomenon which will be quickly followed by the worn out spot on the inner thigh seam. As I’ve stated before, I don’t know how single parents carry the load!
So this is the overwhelming feelings that mothers talk about. Just the whole production just to leave the house! Fed? Check! Changed? Check! Oh, he just spat up and soaked his cute outfit – back to the change table! Do we have everything? Buggy or carrier? Do we have everything? The pressure to keep a clean and orderly home (laundry done and put away, clean floors, grocery shopping, home cooked healthy meals? hahahaha), slim body, tidy appearance (do I take the extra time to shave or put on makeup?), work and money to be made to pay the bills, aging parent to be attended to, young dog to be walked, fed and entertained, spiritual practice to be maintained, and oh, yeah, a spouse to be attended to as well, and trying like hell to be the best darned mum on the planet(ohmigosh, it takes forever to cut his nails, what baby exercise do I have to do now?!). I know I’m not the only artist to want to continue to work creatively. I may be ready to retire from acting, but I’m not ready to give up my entire creative life. And since I’m about 10 years older than most of my friends, I keenly feel the passage of time. It occurred to me that as much as I love being a parent, it’s not the only thing that makes me happy. I have sacrificed and worked to carve out a professional identity and life and I’m not willing to let go of all of that. Some of it I won’t miss, the constant self doubt with auditioning, competing with younger,skinnier women, the weekend acting courses, the constant outflow of cash for pictures, coaching, etc.) I have no idea of how this will all unfold. I’m sure I will come up with a plan.
Okay, I forfeited a visit to the culture centre this morning, have to attend to K and walk the dog (hubby left early this am) and get ready for a Buddhist planning meeting this afternoon. And it’s Oscar night; I may go to my friends or I may just stay home with a frozen entree and snuggle with my babies! Yay!