I never grew up yearning to be a wife and mother and nothing else. I always believed in choice and equality for women. A woman could have a career/job and a family if that’s what they wanted. My mother worked her whole life, and she was a wife and a mother. Her husband treated her like shit, she hated her factory job and she yearned to sing and be heard. She did the best she could do with her kids, and I guess it was good enough cause I am here to tend to her and love her til the day she dies.
I just assumed I’d have kids when I met the right man who made me feel safe enough to want that. I assumed a lot. By the time I hit 31 I was pretty disillusioned so I packed my bags and moved across the country and started over. I always meant to return but I met the man and the rest unfolded. Now well set in my crazy hazy middle aged days, I have an adopted son (still dealing with the paperwork) and I feel like the 31 year old who wanted the do-over.
I had an audition the other day. I sucked. I know cause there was a callback later and didn’t get asked to stay. Knowing that made me feel like …. a loser. Can you believe it? A danger sign that I let my life condition slip to letting an audition validate my self worth. By the time I came home, I was in tears. Now I’ve been rejected more times than there is sand on a beach, so why did this one matter so much? It wasn’t about the part. I hated feeling that low. Ashamed that it mattered to me. It’s just that I don’t know if I can audition anymore. I have FOUGHT so hard, sacrificed security to do what I wanted to do and now I have to start over. My heart is not in it. Acting is one of those things that you can have years of experience at, and have it count for absolutely nothing at the end of the day. Cause someone else has to decide what you’re worth. I don’t know how to quit. It’s a hamster wheel and when you’re my age, with my thighs(hahaha) , it has the ability to make you feel like shit. I want to work but I don’t want to audition. I’ve written about this before. Which is why I got into directing. My friend is producing a movie (and no, directing said movie is way beyond my ability), and it highlights the need for structure in my life so that I can start a project of my own. I just got a little side tracked (if you can call 8 years trying to have a kid side tracked).
I ADORE being a mother to this child. I ADORE having the ability to stay home and watch him grow. He’s sleeping beside me now as I type and I am head over heels in love. I know I will do anything to give him the life that he deserves. I will always put him first. But I also want to give him a mother who didn’t stop living her dream. I have seen what that can do to a woman. My mother’s reward for her sacrifice was a shitty ass husband (ex), stroke and dementia.
I know I’m living the dream, but the dream just got bigger.