Living the dream

I never grew up yearning  to be a wife and mother and nothing else.  I always believed in choice and equality for women.   A woman could have a career/job and a family if that’s what they wanted.   My mother worked her whole life, and she was a wife and a mother.  Her husband treated her like shit, she hated her factory job and she yearned to sing and be heard.  She did the best she could do with her kids, and I guess it was good enough cause I am here to tend to her and love her til the day she dies.

I just assumed I’d have kids when I met the right man who made me feel safe enough to want that.  I assumed a lot.  By the time I hit 31 I was pretty disillusioned so I packed my bags and moved across the country and started over.  I always meant to return but I met the man and the rest unfolded.  Now well set in my crazy hazy middle aged days, I have an adopted son (still dealing with the paperwork) and I feel like the 31 year old who wanted the do-over.

I had an audition the other day.  I sucked.  I know cause there was a callback later and  didn’t get asked to stay.  Knowing that made me feel like …. a loser.  Can you believe it?  A danger sign that I let my life condition slip to letting an audition validate my self worth.  By the time I came home, I was in tears.  Now I’ve been rejected more times than there is sand on a beach, so why did this one matter so much?  It wasn’t about the part.  I hated feeling that low.  Ashamed that it mattered to me.  It’s just that I don’t know if I can audition anymore. I have FOUGHT so hard, sacrificed security to do what I wanted to do and now I have to start over.   My heart is not in it.  Acting is one of those things that you can have years of experience at, and have it count for absolutely nothing at the end of the day.  Cause someone else has to decide what you’re worth.  I don’t know how to quit. It’s a hamster wheel and when you’re my age, with my thighs(hahaha) , it has the ability to make you feel like shit.   I want to work but I don’t want to audition.  I’ve written about this before.  Which is why I got into directing.  My friend is producing a movie  (and no, directing said movie is way beyond my ability), and it highlights the need for structure in my life so that I can start a project of my own.  I just got a little side tracked (if you can call 8 years trying to have a kid side tracked).

I ADORE being a mother to this child.  I ADORE having the ability to stay home and watch him grow. He’s sleeping beside me now as I type and I am head over heels in love.  I know I will do anything to give him the life that he deserves.  I will always put him first.  But I also want to give him a mother who didn’t stop living her dream.   I have seen what that can do to a woman.  My mother’s reward for her sacrifice was a shitty ass husband (ex), stroke and dementia.

I know I’m living the dream, but the dream just got bigger.

10 thoughts on “Living the dream

  1. Look at this way — you’ve achieved one of your major life goals (parenthood). And now that that’s off your list (although it’s still very much an ongoing thing that’s keeping you busy…!!), you can review your situation & see if there are any new goals that you want to set for yourself (or old ones that you want to dust off). Whatever you do next, I’ll be cheering for you!

  2. I totally agree with your post it is so hard. My dear mother abandoned her career when she found out the child minder was not looking after my brother. She funneled her energy in raising us and ended up with heartattack, stroke and Cancer.What I will say before she passed away she said her only regret was she wished had travelled more. She didnt regret giving her up nursing career as she was so proud of us.

    IMHO I am not sure if we can have it all. I too am torn between Princess or a Career, at this moment not sure which way the scales are leaning. My pledge is to be happy and maybe that may mean a lesser Career but Princess 100% devoted to. Not sure which is the right thing to do.

    Motherhood is so more complex.

  3. I think it is wonderful that you DO have so many options. Women that had “jobs” in my mothers era were not regarded as good mothers, and visa versa. They weren’t allowed to do both.

    You have been in the business long enough to know that there are 10 parts for 1000 women. It is nothing personal when you are passed over, though I am sure at times it feels very personal.

    Now, had you picked a career of say, coffee barista, you could work at 50 locations in your city, and you would probably be miserable.

    I am betting that a year from now, you will be sitting there watching your toddler, telling us reading here about the amazing project you are involved with 🙂

  4. I love Loribeth’s comment and I totally agree. One goal – achieved. Next! 🙂

    I admire you for not wanting to compromise who you are and what you want to do just because you are now a mother. Wishing you luck figuring it out!

  5. I’m coming to similar realizations – that certain work isn’t for me anymore. This kid might drive me batty some days, but if I’m going to leave him, it’s going to be for something I have passion for. It’s not worth it any other way.

  6. You’ve achieved my number one goal (that will more than likely forever remained unfulfilled) and so look at things this way, you’ve achieved a goal many women long for.

    You’ve achieved the hardest goal some may say, so anything else you try to do you WILL succeed at.

    I have faith in you.


  7. Wow.

    I still have goosebumps from reading this (and my little one is sleeping in the sling as we speak) substitute writing for acting and I could have written this. I deeply get it and I have alot of digging to do to figure out how not to give up on that dream.

    I love you my friend. Love to the little guy from z & me



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