Earlier this year I made a vow to have a really heal my family. What was I thinking? Well, it sounded good anyway. My younger sister is trying to move here from the South to be with my mum and me. Soon. Real soon. It appears my eldest sister may put in appearance very soon as well. We were never really close and we’ve been separated by thousands of miles for so long. And now it seems we may actually converge in the same time zone.
I love my sisters, but we’re very, very different in temperaments and attitudes. I think I understand them somewhat, but we never really hung out together. The last time my eldest sister came here was 7 years ago when our mother first went into the home. She doesn’t call and she doesn’t communicate more than once a year.
The last time my youngest sister was here her and DH got into about racism. My sister subscribes to the view that black people can’t be racist because of the dynamic of privilege and power. He called bullshit on that and long story short, he believes she doesn’t like/approve of him because he’s white. I’m not going to tell you how many times we’ve argued about my sister. He also believes that she’s never been a help to me, after all I’ve gone through and he believes our relationship is one-sided. I’ve tried to tell him that I’ve never depended on either of my sisters for emotional support so it doesn’t really matter to me. However, the years of dealing with my mother took a great toll on me and he feels that both of them could have helped more. True. I’ve defended her, tried to explain her and hubby feels like I should call her out on the carpet. I just want peace. I can’t stand this tension.
I called my sister on Sunday when she emailed me to let me know she wanted to come and visit. Meaning visit and stay with us. That’s not going to happen. I explained to her why and of course, she’s surprised and taken aback. She felt their disagreement 2 years ago was a non issue. She told me her side which of course sounds nothing like what my husband said. Of course, it’s not what she said, it’s more like what she didn’t say. She said that she always speaks well of him and it’s not that she doesn’t like him. She never said she liked him though. I remember coming home from work that night and feeling the tension. Hubby eventually talked to me, but she never said a word. I could barely get her to spend alone time with me so that we could talk.
Hubby does not hang out with people he doesn’t like. He likes her husband and adores her son, but he’s always felt an insincerity from her. He doesn’t like it when people pretend to like one another. He would prefer it people just admitted the truth and leave it at that. That he can respect. He prefers to know where people stand right away.
I am in the middle of this and I hate it. I find it enormously stressful and exhausting. When I was talking to my sis I was actually shaking. I’m highly conscious of not getting dragged into well he said/she said when I actually wasn’t there at the time of the argument. I don’t want to referee, I don’t want to know what was said, what I want to know is what they want to say NOW. Frankly, I have my own feelings on the matter which I have no problem expressing, but most of the time I just ignore stuff in the name of keeping long distance peace. This is how my family has always operated. We report events, we don’t share feelings. However, this is about to change. I just prefer to go about in a more peaceful, reasonable manner. I’d love it if everyone just LOVED each other, but I’ll settle for mutual respect.
Hubby and his family thrash things out in a more vocal manner, if you know what I mean and then it’s over. I have sisters however, not brothers, and women never forget anything. Small slights go down in the history book, ready to be brought to the forefront 20 years later if needed. Sigh. Honestly, I think they should be thrown into a cage and let them sort it out, one way or the other.
They’re supposed to have a phone conversation tonight. I’m going to do something absolutely ridiculous and expect them to conduct themselves accordingly. Still, as usual, I will have to go into my mother’s money and put them up at a hotel. Sigh.