While hubby was away during his birthday/soccer (which involved no soccer) weekend, I came to a realization. I gotta relax. Yep, you heard it here first. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have limitless potential and I’ve learned my capacity is huge but I have waited to long to be a parent, I seriously want to take the time to appreciate what I have, not worry about what I DON’T have and what I CAN’T do. Sometimes our culture promotes the alpha mum image to the extreme. Look, you too can be a sex goddess and have a slamming body at 40 something and be a career woman and be a mother and have an immaculate house. You just need a personal trainer, a nanny, an assistant, a housekeeper, a mobile esthetician, a party planner and 8 more hours in your day. Don’t eat, don’t sleep and multi-task every waking second. I’ve been feeling like shit cause I can’t seem to wake up and be perfect. I start thinking about all the things I HAVEN’T done yet and TIME is running out.
So I have to either shift my attitude or become a meticulous planner. Uh, err, meticulous planner – not really my forte, but I can learn.
First of all, I was getting a little lonely and bored, so I called arranged to a dog walk with a friend of mine who has 2 kids of her own. It rained all day, so that was off. Another friend of mine who is undergoing a divorce called me in crisis. I invited her over for dinner. So I went out to buy pizza and wine. Later, she called to cancel. So the bottle of wine was all mine. Alas, I only had one glass. At least the remote was mine. I had devised a plan that if I attached a sheet over the blinds in K’s room, then maybe just maybe he would sleep in and I could stay up late. Of course, that night was the night he woke up in the middle of the night for the first time in months. He woke up wet and cranky. So I was up at 3:30 and did the fastest diaper and outfit change ever. I thrust him back into his bed, and almost thought I had gotten away with it, and was composing my award speech when he started screeching 4 minutes later. Somehow the soft rattle I had given him at bedtime (which I neglected to retrieve) had worked its way underneath him and he was protesting like the princess who couldn’t sleep with the pea under her mattress. Once I solved that problem, only a bottle of milk would lull him back to sleep. I was reminded of all the early mornings we had spent together and frankly, it was really peaceful and quiet and I didn’t mind being up at all. I didn’t feel tired or resentful, I just felt calm. It was just me and him in the half light. I flashed back to his 5th night on earth when I thought I might have to give him back and all I wanted was to soak in the gaze from his dark eyes. I wanted that moment to last forever.
Clearly, he was reminding me how inflexible I was. He was telling me to slow my roll. Or else, I might lose something infinitely more precious than money or a sunshade. I AM capable of accomplishing a great deal, but not when I am feeling overwhelmed and incompetent. I had given advice to my friend who is not coping well with her impending divorce. I had told her to give herself credit for what she HAD done and that her life was precious and worth fighting for. She is so stuck in grief and what she thought she had. An illusion. She doesn’t know who she is anymore and she needs to recreate herself. Find a new dream and a new way of being in the world. Sound familiar? And that’s something I do know about, so I need to be telling myself the same thing.