Archive | May 29, 2010

This is good news?

Ah, there are so many things I’d like to write about, things are churning around my premenstrual head… I’ve been in a bit of mood lately, little bits of anger, fear and loathing…..

Good news – I got a gig!  Yay for me!  I had done an acting workshop  in April that brightened me up a bit and looks like it paid off.  I play a juror in this movie of the week deal, not a lot of lines, but because it’s a courtroom drama, I am booked for 4 days next month.  Hubby has volunteered to take days off of work – he apparently is allergic to outside child care (more on that later) and luckily two of the days is on the weekend.

I took the little Dude with me to the wardrobe fitting.  It’s low budget so they’re renting two pairs of my pants.  Swell, now I have two less pairs of pants that actually fit me.  I was late, of course, but apparently you can get away with murder when you show up with  a baby.  They had an assortment of 1x  and XL large clothes for me to try on.  They clothes don’t really fit well but I’m not swimming in them either. Sigh.  I had given them my measurements the day before on the phone and even I was slightly embarrassed as I pulled the tape measure around my waist.  Fuck.  My waistline is 3 inches bigger than it was 2 summers ago.  However, the wardrobe lady attributed that to my little bundle of joy and who was I to dissuade her?  Once again, carrying a baby provides a good excuse.  I didn’t even have to try on even more hideous clothes.

So you can tell I’m having body image issues.  It’s not that I don’t know that I am responsible for the DQ blizzards that fall into my mouth, or birthday cake,  or Cadbury mini eggs.  I’ve been doing a lot of emotional eating over the past several months.  Mind you, DH is right beside me doing the same thing, but let’s face it, if he stopped eating crap for 2 weeks, he could lose 10 lbs.  Me?  3 months of intense exercise and eating sticks and twigs.   It’s sickening to me that I worked out  like a friggin’ dog  and went hungry to lose a few inches and I’m right back to where I started.  Did it all by myself. To myself.  I’m angry. Felt like I was distracted by the shiny things.

It occurs to me that I went on a diet before to save my marriage and to improve my health cause let’s face it, diabetes runs rampant in our family and I was at medium risk for it because of my weight.  I could talk about the reasons and the excuses and the events over the past several years of my life that led me to self soothe with food.  But now I sit on the precipice of all that I’ve wanted, I’m finally acting again, I’ve got a beautiful child, I’m married to a man who tells me he’s never been happier, and I’m STILL feeling overwhelmed with insecurity, self-doubt and fear.  I really don’t have anything to complain about.  I would say that I am happy.  And yet, there’s something going on inside of me that demands to be fed.

You see I told you I was in a mood.  I had good news of a gig and I somehow managed to turn it all into doom and gloom.  The glamour shall return, but right now, my karma is being shook up.