Ah, there are so many things I’d like to write about, things are churning around my premenstrual head… I’ve been in a bit of mood lately, little bits of anger, fear and loathing…..
Good news – I got a gig! Yay for me! I had done an acting workshop in April that brightened me up a bit and looks like it paid off. I play a juror in this movie of the week deal, not a lot of lines, but because it’s a courtroom drama, I am booked for 4 days next month. Hubby has volunteered to take days off of work – he apparently is allergic to outside child care (more on that later) and luckily two of the days is on the weekend.
I took the little Dude with me to the wardrobe fitting. It’s low budget so they’re renting two pairs of my pants. Swell, now I have two less pairs of pants that actually fit me. I was late, of course, but apparently you can get away with murder when you show up with a baby. They had an assortment of 1x and XL large clothes for me to try on. They clothes don’t really fit well but I’m not swimming in them either. Sigh. I had given them my measurements the day before on the phone and even I was slightly embarrassed as I pulled the tape measure around my waist. Fuck. My waistline is 3 inches bigger than it was 2 summers ago. However, the wardrobe lady attributed that to my little bundle of joy and who was I to dissuade her? Once again, carrying a baby provides a good excuse. I didn’t even have to try on even more hideous clothes.
So you can tell I’m having body image issues. It’s not that I don’t know that I am responsible for the DQ blizzards that fall into my mouth, or birthday cake, or Cadbury mini eggs. I’ve been doing a lot of emotional eating over the past several months. Mind you, DH is right beside me doing the same thing, but let’s face it, if he stopped eating crap for 2 weeks, he could lose 10 lbs. Me? 3 months of intense exercise and eating sticks and twigs. It’s sickening to me that I worked out like a friggin’ dog and went hungry to lose a few inches and I’m right back to where I started. Did it all by myself. To myself. I’m angry. Felt like I was distracted by the shiny things.
It occurs to me that I went on a diet before to save my marriage and to improve my health cause let’s face it, diabetes runs rampant in our family and I was at medium risk for it because of my weight. I could talk about the reasons and the excuses and the events over the past several years of my life that led me to self soothe with food. But now I sit on the precipice of all that I’ve wanted, I’m finally acting again, I’ve got a beautiful child, I’m married to a man who tells me he’s never been happier, and I’m STILL feeling overwhelmed with insecurity, self-doubt and fear. I really don’t have anything to complain about. I would say that I am happy. And yet, there’s something going on inside of me that demands to be fed.
You see I told you I was in a mood. I had good news of a gig and I somehow managed to turn it all into doom and gloom. The glamour shall return, but right now, my karma is being shook up.