This is good news?

Ah, there are so many things I’d like to write about, things are churning around my premenstrual head… I’ve been in a bit of mood lately, little bits of anger, fear and loathing…..

Good news – I got a gig!  Yay for me!  I had done an acting workshop  in April that brightened me up a bit and looks like it paid off.  I play a juror in this movie of the week deal, not a lot of lines, but because it’s a courtroom drama, I am booked for 4 days next month.  Hubby has volunteered to take days off of work – he apparently is allergic to outside child care (more on that later) and luckily two of the days is on the weekend.

I took the little Dude with me to the wardrobe fitting.  It’s low budget so they’re renting two pairs of my pants.  Swell, now I have two less pairs of pants that actually fit me.  I was late, of course, but apparently you can get away with murder when you show up with  a baby.  They had an assortment of 1x  and XL large clothes for me to try on.  They clothes don’t really fit well but I’m not swimming in them either. Sigh.  I had given them my measurements the day before on the phone and even I was slightly embarrassed as I pulled the tape measure around my waist.  Fuck.  My waistline is 3 inches bigger than it was 2 summers ago.  However, the wardrobe lady attributed that to my little bundle of joy and who was I to dissuade her?  Once again, carrying a baby provides a good excuse.  I didn’t even have to try on even more hideous clothes.

So you can tell I’m having body image issues.  It’s not that I don’t know that I am responsible for the DQ blizzards that fall into my mouth, or birthday cake,  or Cadbury mini eggs.  I’ve been doing a lot of emotional eating over the past several months.  Mind you, DH is right beside me doing the same thing, but let’s face it, if he stopped eating crap for 2 weeks, he could lose 10 lbs.  Me?  3 months of intense exercise and eating sticks and twigs.   It’s sickening to me that I worked out  like a friggin’ dog  and went hungry to lose a few inches and I’m right back to where I started.  Did it all by myself. To myself.  I’m angry. Felt like I was distracted by the shiny things.

It occurs to me that I went on a diet before to save my marriage and to improve my health cause let’s face it, diabetes runs rampant in our family and I was at medium risk for it because of my weight.  I could talk about the reasons and the excuses and the events over the past several years of my life that led me to self soothe with food.  But now I sit on the precipice of all that I’ve wanted, I’m finally acting again, I’ve got a beautiful child, I’m married to a man who tells me he’s never been happier, and I’m STILL feeling overwhelmed with insecurity, self-doubt and fear.  I really don’t have anything to complain about.  I would say that I am happy.  And yet, there’s something going on inside of me that demands to be fed.

You see I told you I was in a mood.  I had good news of a gig and I somehow managed to turn it all into doom and gloom.  The glamour shall return, but right now, my karma is being shook up.

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12 thoughts on “This is good news?

  1. Oh, my friend. I can so relate to this feeling of being sort of flabergasted at the depths within me that need feeding. It is just such hard work sometimes to find out what they are! Like, who has the time and energy to go all the way down to the depths and explore all the nuances – I’ve got a baby to settle, a dog to walk, a house to clean, a husband to hopefully spend 10 waking minutes with, and all kinds of other things on my to do list!

    So, um, I guess I share your mood. In my good moments I tell myself that this, too, shall pass and that the depths will always be there – no rush to cross that off my list. In my not so great moments, I just want to rock under the dining room table for a few days.

    Congrats on the gig. I’m happy for you, and you totally and utterly ROCK, no matter how many inches come and go off your waist.

  2. Yup…. me, my thighs & my bag of pretzels totally know what you are saying.

    I had my super skinny chiropractor tell me “it’s so easy to lose the weight”. WTF? You are a man ( & about to be a dead one at at that!) and I am a woman. You deal with my hormone changes and see how “easy” it is.

    Gawd, I’m still bitter. Come over & I’ll fire up the margarita maker. We can try to figure it out together because like you, I would love to know the answer.

  3. I actually went to the fridge in the middle of reading this post and was disappointed to find there was no more sesame chicken left —

    I so relate to this. SO SO SO relate.

    I recommend the Women Food & God book that I just read — some of the passages are super powerful — she’s a buddhist as well — you might like it XOXO

    I love to hear about the acting work unfolding — that’s wonderful!

    Now, why isn’t there any chocolate in this house?

    (see, I’m incorrigible)

    Xo

    Pam

  4. You may block me from your blog after this, but I have to tell you something.

    I could have written this post. Word for word. Here I was with the child I longed so desperately for, had a nice home, etc etc, yet I was at my biggest ever after years of IF, miscarriages, failed adoptions etc. I had no motivation to lose weight. Though, husband complained that he missed the “old” me. My response was to tell him to hit the road and find a skinny bitch that could reproduce.

    What I did though, was mention it to my doctor. That led to about 6 months of trying a few different antidepressants until one day I realized that I felt “normal”. You know, like OTHER people feel. It had been so long that I had forgotten how normal felt. I had been clinically depressed so long it became my normal and I didn’t know anything else.

    I fought tooth and nail to not go on drugs or be “one of those people”. Well as the doc explained, a lack of serotonin is no different than a lack of natural insulin requiring help, or high blood pressure needing medicinal help. Once he put it that way, I didn’t feel as uncomfortable.
    It completely changed my life.

    I am not saying this would be the answer for you but it helped me. Now, the thing I look at when the pants are getting too tight is the fact that I simply do not want to die for a very very very long time, so I have to take care of the only organs I will ever have.

    I am down 25 lbs now (don’t worry, there is plenty left to go) and even that gives me encouragement to keep going.

    I would write more, but I have to go out and see if anyone found the hidden hershey bar I stuck in the freezer.

    (Hey, I am better, not perfect 🙂

    • No, I will certainly not ban you. You know I’ve already tried a few antidepressants during the span of this blog and it’s possible I will do it again. They did help, but also added a bunch of undesirable, distracting side effects (the withdrawal from one of them was AWFUL) and since I haven’t even considered shuffling off this mortal coil, I’m going to actually chant and meditate a bit more to sift through this karma crap. I’m also looking at talk therapy. Trying to find a way to get some more exercise. I walk everyday, but it’s not enough. I also think it’s not mistake that a lot of perimenopausal women are on antidepressants – hormones and cortisol are stored in fat, fat is stored on our bodies and it affects mood. So when you lose weight, you generally feel better and healthier. Now if I can just get to the point where I actually feel like putting down the white cake….

  5. Your dude is such a cutie pie and your husband sounds awesome. Congrats on your gig, pants notwithstanding. Frankly, I thought you looked pretty awesome when I met with you.

  6. Congrats on your gig! Hang in there…I’ve found the only thing that really keeps me from gaining weight is writing it all down even when I totally blow it (this past weekend, *cough*). It sucks.

  7. Your post is very timely. I’ve skipped my last four Weight Watchers at Work meetings & am debating whether I should waste — errr, spend — the money to sign up for the next session, since I haven’t been applying myself very well. I’ve been gaining & losing & gaining back the same five pounds for years now — just can’t seem to break through that plateau. I would have to lose almost 50 to get back to my old goal weight, which I don’t think I’ll ever see again (40 would be really nice, but I think I’d settle for 30 or even 25). I find it depressing that I managed to lose 35 pounds without exercising when I was 30 — I’m not eating ALL that differently than I did then (OK, I’ll admit, I could certainly do with a little less chocolate, lol), I’m actually getting more exercise than I did then, but it doesn’t seem to make a whit of difference. Sigh.

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