Archive | June 8, 2010

Checking in

When I lost weight 2 years ago, it was really under duress.  It was also a symptom of a larger problem.  I also had a fear that it wouldn’t really change anything. And in a sense, it didn’t.

I had already gone through the wringer with infertility and though I had survived, it definitely made me feel “broken”.  Not feminine.  I was not going to be the Madonna and I obviously was not cut out to be the Whore either.  I was not the Career Woman, I was definitely not Suzy Homemaker, I fell somewhere in between and for the life of me I just couldn’t figure out how to grab the spotlight again.  By all appearances, I was fine, I was okay but my self esteem was tenuous at best.  I really had to come to terms with my grown up life.  I was struggling how to reinvent myself.

DH was just hitting his stride as the successful businessman jetting around the world; he wasn’t a dad but his stuff was still “good enough” and he still had his job. He never had problem with ego or confidence.  He’s a “get over it” kind of guy.   My career had ground to a halt, work had evaporated and I was depending on my “joe” job and I was beginning to hate it.  It fed that demon feeling that I was never going to be “good enough” and no matter what I did, fault would be found somewhere.  I had this feeling my entire life.  It was more of subconscious thing.  It has taken a lot of personal development for me to say, “so what?” when someone doesn’t like what I say or do.  Occasionally, my inability to deal and express my anger turns in on itself, which is depression.  Anger can be really productive, it can clean a house and it has often motivated me.  More often than not though, I suppress it and I stuff it down with food, candy, whatever.

I navigated through the adoption process and brought home a delightful little child.  He adds an incredible dimension to our lives. Yes, I love this life with him in it.  He’s actually a great deal of fun for both of us.  Yet even DH has smelled trouble in the air again.  What’s her friggin’ problem now?  She has a gig, she has a kid, she has no reason to complain.  Whatever it is, I should get over it and quit taking it out on him.  Ah, so compassionate.  This attitude makes me angry….and not likely to talk about my feelings cause I don’t want a critique of how I SHOULD feel.  Hockey coach talk never EVER works with me and it’s astounding to me how he’s never been able to figure that out after 150 years together.  He’s a slow learner.

I need to ask myself if I’m TRULY hungry.  In our house it’s like, you don’t have to be hungry to eat.  So I just do.  But I’m not hungry, I’m bored. Feeling rejected just like I did when I got too big for my britches  – literally.  And now I’m angry on top of it.  Angry at myself for letting all that hard work go to waste.  Angry that I can’t fit into the new clothes that I bought and I’m back in the old stuff.  Smells like middle age to me.  This could all be just part of getting used to another shift in my life.

At first, I was way too busy with a newborn to care about what I ate, too exhausted to exercise, too frazzled to count calories. When I was tired or worried or upset about something, I’d prefer to just “numb” out.

I went for a run/gasp/walk today (got a cool BOB stroller at a discount!) and encouraged myself to not be so hard on myself.  To just stay in the moment and stay present to how I was feeling.  It felt good to sweat a bit, feel the ache in my legs and lungs.  So I guess exercise is more than just a punishment.