Open Adoption Roundtable #17

Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I’ve also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

This may sound more like a confessional but here goes…..

I’m not proud of the fact that we check out K’s birthmom’s social page from time to time to see how she’s doing; or more accurately, to find out if she’s told us one thing and she’s doing something completely different. Mind you, there’s a reason for the distrust.  Still, it feels like cybersnooping except it’s a public space It’s one thing if you announce your cyber presence, but I guess it’s no different than lurking.  This kind of came up when we discussed the whole Facebook/public social space in person.  As in we won’t, but she did, but so what?   I didn’t post any baby pics on my FB for that reason.  Of course, now that it’s all official, can I, will I, should I?

And of course, there’s this blog.  I didn’t share that with K’s birthmother.  I did, however, give her the abridged version of my IVF escapades.  For those of you who read through the protected posts about the emotional rollercoaster we were on and all the he said/she said nonsense, it seemed the prudent thing to do at the time.  Let’s face it, we’re both control freaks and once I found out that I was being mislead  about some things, I was really pissed, but then so what? I didn’t really have any control over how things were going to go.  Not that I didn’t try, and oh man all I got for it were sleepless nights and knots in my stomach.  Eventually, I realized all I could control was my reactions to whatever drama came my way.  I chanted like a mofo to just let it go, for equanimity, to be okay with whatever happened.  I wasn’t thinking negatively, but it had been so long since anything POSITIVE had happened in my infertile world, bringing home a baby seemed a little like a fairytale.  So trying to know as much as we could was more about us trying to find the cracks before the dam burst.  Like all those pee sticks before beta day.

As time goes by, it feels more like I just want to know how she’s doing without actually making contact.  And the reason there’s no contact aside from the occasional email/letter is that is how all of us decided it would be.  At arms length, I can see if she’s okay without being drawn into her life or her into mine. We never confronted her about anything we found out, and frankly if she wanted me to know certain things, she’d tell me.

Of course, I realize that K is really the embodiment of both our lives intertwined.  I see K’s smile and I think, is that her smile I see in there or am I just imagining it? When I kiss his face, I feel gratitude that he was given life at all.  I don’t know think I would have, had I been in her position.

To read other evocative responses to the question, please go to Production Not Reproduction.

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