As promised. So no, I didn’t find the money, though that would have been nice. I still had one more stop to visit my mother. Of course, I felt guilty for not calling her when I was away and maybe she thought I had abandoned her. Lucky me, she didn’t even remember to miss me. I felt bad, of course, for not getting there earlier and I was checking her out with the nurse, he said to me, “Don’t lay a heavy on yourself”. Wow, he nailed that perfectly. That’s what I do. I was already feeling bad for not spending enough time with her, because the minute I got there, I was thinking I wasn’t going to bring her over for supper so I only had about 45 minutes before her dinner was served. I was just too darn tired to deal with her. We went to our usual Starbucks and I wasn’t really there for her if you know what I mean. I felt divided. I can’t see her as often as I used to with the kid now and I felt guilty about it. She’s more disconnected these days and it hurts me to see it. And sometimes I wish I someone else could take over. 7 years now. Seven. At home, hubby makes a wonderful salmon dinner (thank you BBQ) and we talk about the crazy day.
Next morning I get ready for my daily walk, the kid is whingeing in the stroller and the dog would rather sleep. I decide I will go for a run, gasp, walk and go to get my Ipod. I find the earphones, no Ipod. I look in my humongous purse that I used on the trip. NOPE, NOT THERE. Should be there, but it’s not. Okay, never mind, I’ll go anyway and when I come back I’ll really look. So I head off and make it all the way to the garbage area outside before I GO BACK AND SEARCH AGAIN. Now the kid is really whining. The dog goes and lays down. I run hither and thither looking for it. Now I think I’m really losing it. The last time I saw it was on the plane. Perhaps I put it in hubby’s carry-on. Yep, that must be it. We switched seats. Why did we switch seats?! HIS FAULT! The funny thing is that the guy next to us left his earphones in the armrest plug and I was so concerned about that, I didn’t think about anything else. (I turned in his headphones to the baggage service as he was nowhere to be found at the baggage carousel.) I snap at the kid for his cranky crying even after I gave him some Tylenol. Oh, yes, I did. Then I apologized to him. He was not impressed and I was ashamed that I lost my patience. Me. The woman who can handle a screaming infant at midnight.
I head out, leaving DH a message to check the computer bag that he has taken to work, damn him. It’s a gorgeous, sunny day. Of course, I forgot my sunglasses. I really don’t want to go for a walk, I really just want to let the dog do his business and go back and take an ativan because I was really, really upset. But I walk around the lagoon chanting the whole way because I just need to calm down and get a grip. I’m miserable because I feel like I should be doing better, feeling better, but feeling unmotivated to actually do anything different. Hubby calls me as I am walking and tells me he doesn’t have it and that I should call the airline. I break down and end up blubbering that I can’t do anything, I’m a horrible mother because of his flat head, etc. He assures me that I’m doing a great job and I’m just fine. When I got back home, I felt like a complete idiot for breaking down in the first place.
The Precious was fine and had forgiven me my impatience because he was feeling better and ready to eat his lunch and have his bottle and go down quickly for a nap. And yes, the airline ACTUALLY HAD MY IPOD. All was not lost, I could regain what I lost!
So I wasn’t going completely nuts. I was just preoccupied with a growing infant. And I was TIRED. I took my iron and B12 pill.
And TODAY – I killed a bird. A pigeon, I think. I don’t really like them, but it wasn’t anything personal. On my way to the airport to pick up my Ipod. Its flight across the road was ill-timed, it hit my grill, bounced onto another car grill and tumbled to the side of the road. I saw it all. Unavoidable. All I could do was chant daimoku. I haven’t killed anything bigger than a fly in I don’t know how many years, but today I killed a bird.