I went to the doctor’s and told her how lousy I had been feeling. The moodiness, the fatigue, the foggy thinking, etc. She gave me a req for a blood test but basically she said I was exhausted. Not f***ing crazy. Not dementia. Not depressed. Exhausted. Not getting enough sleep. Burn out. I need to go to bed earlier and I need to take time out for myself. She suggested that if we could afford it, I should get a nanny. She asked me if I was tired or irritable when I was working on my gig. Uh, no. She said I had been used to living my life a certain way and all that had changed overnight really. I had all but given up my artistic pursuits and put my kid’s needs first. Well, yeah, that’s usually how it goes.
When I simplify my daily routines, things tend to go more smoothly, but of course, I’m bored out of my mind. I eat. I play Lexulous after he goes to bed and I eat. Well, we both do. When I try to do too much, I get overwhelmed. Things start falling through the cracks, like… my life. I love being a mom, but apparently I have other interests that need attending to.
I went out with a friend for dinner and drinks. I stayed out just because I could. I was too tired to have more than two drinks, but it was nice. She listened, gave me some Buddhist talk and I felt, well, acknowledged. Heard. Lucky me, DH took the Precious for a whole father/son day on the weekend. It caught me by surprise. I had to shake my head. I have free time? What’s that? I went shopping and bought shoes, took my mum out, all without having to rush or feel guilty. The day flew by. Went out again that night on my own to have wine at the beach with my friends. Hubby stayed home with the kid. I kept thinking, what is he up to? But he really was too tired from hanging with his boy all day.
My MIL came to my rescue this week to visit her grandson. Normally I try to spend time with her as well and we go for lunch, etc, but not this time. It was just a day in my life time. So basically, no lunch. I don’t usually have time for lunch. Most of the time I either have a protein shake or have a coffee. If I’m lucky, he has a nap early and I break out a frozen Healthy Choice entree.
I went to the spa for a facial and a massage. Still had those gift certificates. Crazy. 2 hours just for me during the weekday. It was almost too much time, really. I kept thinking, this is weird. The next day, I told DH to take the little guy out when he came home from work so I could go for a bike ride around the seawall. 10 km, it was tough, but I did it in 37 minutes. They were still out by the time I got back, so I had time for a shower, a quick bite and before I knew it I was off to the culture centre to chant. Ah, bliss. I could get used to this, taking time out for my health and sanity.
I also joined Weight Watchers. Dragged my humiliated ass back. They remembered me. Sigh. Of course, I told them I had a son now and they assumed it was baby weight. Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Got all the crap and started adding up the points. I’m over already. One slice of frigging banana loaf that I grabbed at Starbucks cause I was starving (no lunch again) and of course, it’s more calories than I can afford. then, a BBQ burger with a sliver of cheese and salad. Thank goodness for the 90 minute walk this morning. L= know, I know, ease up on myself. Baby steps. It’s just that their weigh scale is soooo unforgiving. Note to self: drink way more water and green tea.
And right now, I have some True Blood episodes to catch up on (oh, errrr, I just ate 6 points of popcorn – damn!)……. maybe I should just go to bed at 8pm.