3 years ago, I went away to a quaint B&B with my laptop and a bottle of wine. My little respite from my boring life. I let the innkeepers think I was some sort of WRITER. HAH! Maybe that’s why I got some extra food for my breakfast; they thought I was a travel writer looking for the perfect B&B. Instead I started writing out my angst about infertility and I felt so excited about the online community that I didn’t even finish my bottle of wine. I felt as if I had released steam. I told the innkeepers I would be back, and of course, I haven’t and probably won’t. Not that I didn’t enjoy my time there, it’s just that life is a little different for me now. You know what I mean. Noisier.
You know, I often wondered what my life would look like if I had not met DH. If I had stayed single. Would I have been more successful? Who knows? If you go by my resume, I have been incredibly successful. I definitely would have been skinnier. Would I have been more productive creative wise? Most definitely as aloneness does support a certain creative output. Would I have become more mercenary – you know, learned to better use my sexuality to get what I want? I’ve been told I’m not bad girl material – not sure if that’s a compliment.
In my younger years, I fantasized about getting married and being a mother of 3 kids and being a regular on a hit TV show. I had no idea that it would take so long to find a decent guy. I’ve known women who have had successive long term relationships and been engaged a few times – and I couldn’t even find a guy to be my boyfriend. I couldn’t even get dinner! Oh, the former drug addicts, short unemployed men, someone else’s husbands couldn’t wait to get with me, but a decent guy who might at least take me to a movie and dinner type of guy? There were maybe 4 of them. Three were boyfriends. And yes, I married the last boyfriend.
I had no idea that the power of the word NO would have saved me a lot of grief. More accurately, NO, FUCK YOU, I DESERVE BETTER.
It took even longer to become a mother and I’ve given up on the hit TV show thing. Way too old for that now. Too damn tired of waiting for someone to “discover” me. I’d rather discover myself and be fabulous. The words NO, FUCK YOU, I DESERVE BETTER come more easily to my lips now. Sometimes I even say it to myself.
Motherhood – all 9 months of it. It changed my life, but it hasn’t really changed me. I’m still me, I still like going out for smart cocktails and lazy dinners every now and then. There are parts of my old life that I do miss, like quiet mornings of meditation and reading. I miss going to plays and workshops and creating this project or that project. I miss doing what I want WHEN I want to do it. I miss being able to leave the house when I want to leave the house because SOMEBODY needs a nap and if I mess with that, mama’s going to pay for it later.
I adore the Precious wriggling and thrashing about in delight when he sees me come in to get him in the morning. I adore his smile. I adore his gaze when I feed him. I love reading to him and showing him how something works. I love waking him up from long naps. He purses his lips, opens his eyes and stretches his limbs. Sometimes he pulls the blanket over his head. Occasionally he opens his eyes and then shyly smiles at me. He’s a pretty easy kid. Some days are not nice. He’s a fighter and knocks my hand away when I try to wipe his face or clean his nose. He furrows his brow and bellows when he doesn’t get his way. He protests VERY loudly. He whines far more with me than DH. He wants to walk and stand and pull at my hair and have my attention. He loves to shriek and have you fly him around and let him climb all over you. He loves Itsy Bitsy Spider and grabbing cords and phones and remotes. He’s exhausting and by 5pm, I’m pretty darned spent.
I’m learning how to open up our world. I went to a baby singalong class at the community centre. I had to ask DH to stay home in the morning for an hour while I went jogging/gasping with the dog at an ungodly hour, but we made it. We had fun. The Precious seemed a bit overwhelmed with all the activity going on but he caught on quickly. He likes to shake his little egg shaker thing when he’s not trying to chew it. I met other mothers and it was nice. I’m going to try to go to another one because he needs to be with other kids, I think and I just need the change in routine. Motherhood is so isolating and I often feel trapped by our routine. He thrives with routine, but momma is getting a little bored. People like me can’t be bored, we get into too much trouble. But momma can barely stay up past 9 without snapping her last nerve, so I need to make the most out of my spare time. I see my mother less; it’s difficult to fit her optimal time with his optimal time with all the feeding, walking and napping (yes, this goes for both of them). When I do, it’s great to see mum’s face light up when she sees him. That makes my heart sing to see that. He’s recognizing her more now and will submit to her awkward embraces and kisses.
This is a good life. One I am truly grateful for. I dreamed of this love and yearned for this love past the boundaries of my sanity. But I am still the woman who craves connection and creativity. It is my mission. I miss my creative life, and I’m getting ready to change some things. I’ve decided to relax for the rest of the year and not stress about it because I am truly enjoying this time creating this new way of family. I actually have to remind myself daily that it’s okay I’m not out there doing something ELSE to prove my worthiness in the world. I have commitments and obligations and responsibilities to other people and to myself.
I now have the strength and the capacity to sculpt the life that I deserve. Nam myo ho renge kyo.