Things lost in the fire

Experiencing infertility is hard enough, but when you switch gears from giving up the dream of having a biological child to wanting to raise another child through adoption, it becomes a whole different ballgame.

Infertility had stripped away the intimacy over conceiving a child and adoption was going to make things very, very public.  Intellectually, you know that, but emotionally it takes some getting used to.  I tried to be optimistic, after all this is what you do when you can’t have a child but want one, right?  It wasn’t a call of duty for me, but a strong desire to fulfill some sense of loss in me.  Now, I have to say I wasn’t in this desire alone.  Hubby had wanted to turn to adoption sooner than I had.  But I was too busy grieving and wondering if I should even have children at all.  You know, cause if it hadn’t happened, then “maybe it wasn’t meant to be”.  I was still waiting for a miracle.

The months crawled by; I tried to rebuild and redefine my life. I remembered the beauty of cherry blossoms and when I finally released the hope of the little girl who never was, we got a call that eventually lead us to our son.

It seemed like the only way I could rise about the drama that ensued was if I stopped trying to control the outcome.  Do you have any idea of how difficult that was for someone like me?  It was BRUTAL.  I’m not a let go, let god type of person.  I’m a “don’t tell me I have to drink from the coloured fountain, I’ll show you” type of girl.  I have a tendency to want to go back and undo the past (so envious of Superman) but no matter how hard I tried, my supernatural powers failed me. I thought being a Buddhist was all about controlling what happens to me.  Wrong.  It’s about controlling yourself.   (“..become the master of your mind rather than let your mind master you.”)

I lost a lot of things in the fire you might say.  I lost my innocence, I lost my faith (but gained it back) and I lost who I thought I was supposed to be.  But I gained a lot as well.  I still haven’t fully realized the scope of having this child in my life.  He has devoured the time I probably would have taken to get myself into more trouble, no doubt.  He cares not a whit about my existential angst, he cares about getting fed, being held and being adored.

He’s a lot like me in a way.


8 thoughts on “Things lost in the fire

  1. This post hit me in the gut. You and I are so much alike in so many ways. It took me a very long time to learn I couldn’t control everything. I am a researcher, thinker, weigher and decision maker…. and what I decide is IT. (on the flip side, I may have to kill my husband because after 6 weeks, he still can’t decide which table and chairs he likes best…..I had it picked out in 10 minutes)

    The one thing that time has taught me, is that I wasted a lot of it worrying and over-thinking.

    I want that time back to savor the simple things that I missed when I was focusing on what was going to happen next.

    Ahhh…age brings light to so many things.

  2. I have been thinking alot about the huge shift of identity that’s happening for me right now and wondering if anyone else is feeling the same way…so thank you for this…

    I’m a weird control freak who tries not to let others know how controlling she is — and may APPEAR relaxed and disorganized but my mind is yammering for order… recently I’ve been thinking alot about creative identity and ego — and what if I am meant to be this, simply this in the moment — why does my mind still boss me around etc.

    So, thank you. I mean it when I say I have learned so much from you– do you know that it is really your voice pushing me through the fire of infertility that helped me as I did the paperwork and took it one piece at a time.

    For whatever else I might fault technology for I will always thank God for connecting me to women with such wisdom and huge hearts.


    • There is something in the air, no doubt. I feel a shift as well. All this looking back over the past year – will eventually lead me to the question of what is the hell is up with me now? I suspect I need to create SOMETHING – you know, cause that I can control.

      Thank you for reading my words. When I felt like no one understood me, heard me, you were there. Living your life, writing your mind, and I slipped in there – like a ghost who was seen by a loved one.

  3. I just wrote a post about the sadness of loss from IF – and this is so beautiful and eloquent. What you write about control is so true, and I think that helps me realize what is so hard for me about all of this…I greatly dislike being NOT in control. Thank you for the insight…

    ICLW #77

  4. the embers still burn at a distance, I know. but in a sense you are like a phoenix rising up from the ashes in this new life. love his one too. keep on writing, my friend.

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