Love punctuated with boredom

I have written some good posts in my head, but to get them down on the screen?  Meh! Is it just me or does anyone else wake up with a sense of ohmigod, another day, rinse, repeat?  I can’t blame it on the kid either cause I’ve always felt rather slow and pensive in the morning.  That’s why it always helps to write, read and reflect before other things intrude.  My early morning blogging and reading always helped that, but now the Precious likes to start his days earlier than I do. I’m trying to squeeze in other times for Buddhist study, reading, musing.

I’ve been battling energy ebb and flow these days. Coffee has become my saviour.  Oh, sweet FF French Vanilla International Delight – I don’t care if you’re just petroleum oil, I love you mixed in with strong, bitter coffee.  One point cup of wake me up.  Even the smell gives me hope.

I get up, put on my I’ve given up all hope of being glamorous housecoat, grunt and shuffle past the hubby  who I hope is on the way out the door and not trying to get me to talk or smile or be demanding of my attention in any sort of way.  He comes to me for a peck and I feign adoration. If all goes well, he slips out.  If he starts asking me what are my plans for the day, a thunderstorm brews in my face.

I start the coffee, empty the dishwasher and prepare my little man’s breakfast of cereal and fruit, a bottle and then shuffle down the hallway.  He’s the only one that gets a real smile.  With a fresh diaper, I walk him or carry him down the hallway to his highchair in the kitchen to start the day.   After feeding him, sometimes we just stare at each other.  Mutual adoration society. I can see why some husbands complain that the woman loses interest after the kid arrives.  He doesn’t care what I look like, he doesn’t criticize, he’s always glad to see me.  He finds me fascinating.   Sometimes we study his first learning words book or we listen to music and goof around.  Sometimes he’s entranced by my hands or the scarf on my head.  I look at him and tell him I love him. I try to remember it’s not all about just feeding and trying to keep his nose snot free.

PMS has hit with me with a fury and by 8pm, I’m not really fit for any sort of live interaction.  So I’ve got to declare to take my blood iron pills.  You’d think this would be a routine for me, but usually I start out really well, then fade out.  Kinda like with WW.  There was no weigh in this Monday due to Labour Day and so during the long weekend, I ate with no regard for points.  DH and I split a bag of  cotton candy at the Ex and half a cinnamon sugar Beaver Tail and a bag of those little donuts (each).  Should have had another Beaver Tail, they’re better.

Apparently, I don’t want to lose weight, either.  I make the old college try when I feel energetic.  I even took the kid to a gym where they had a daycare.  The women there seemed a little lethargic, like they were drugged.  But if he’s fed, he’s easily entertained and there was a little girl there who brought him toys.   The class was okay, I cut out a little early to go get him.  I was really nervous about leaving him there, but I had to give it a try. He survived without catching the plague and didn’t seem distressed in the slightest.  It took a lot to get to that class on time – it was the biggest achievement of the day as a matter of fact.

I’m going to try and not think about the fact that my friend is jetting off to the Toronto International Film Festival tomorrow and then New York after that. I will be  taking my mum to the hairdresser.  Good times.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Love punctuated with boredom

  1. Oh sweetie. You are feeling what nobody ever talks about. Having your life change 180° from what you have been living is stressful. EVEN IF YOU WANT THE CHANGE. I adore my boys, but there were times I felt so resentful that the whole world was out there having this glorious time while I was scraping old oatmeal off the table.

    I used to get so pissed at my MIL when she would spout her famous “this too, shall pass” (I wanted to pass a plate of spaghetti into her face), but looking back, I should have given her a little slack.

    Life ebb’s and flows and sometimes it gets stuck behind a massive rock. Nobody talks about the rock, and you are left feeling like you are the only one behind it.

    You essentially are taking care of 2 children. Little man and your mom are in need of your attention, and then add DH to the mix and you are bound to feel overwhelmed, bored, irritable, and unable to find the “smooth going” button.

    There is no easy answer. I finally went to talk to my doc. He tried for 2 years to talk me into a mild antidepressant. I resisted. I was stupid. Once I agreed, the clouds started to lift and I noticed when I got up in the morning, it wasn’t dread I was feeling, it was actually ‘I think I can do this’. Then it got better from there. It may not be the answer for you….but at least know that you are NOT alone. Women everywhere are feeling what you are, just nobody dares talk about it.

    Baby+ill mom+ hubby feeling left out=overwhelmed Deathstar.

    I wish you lived next door. I would swoop in like superbabysitter and have a blast with little man while you had a break every day that you could plan, and count on. He will not suffer if you have a life too. It will teach him that while you are the center of his world, (and he yours) the world is really big and there is plenty of room for a mommy that is feeling more fulfilled. Oddly enough, it will help him grow too.

    (yep, another novel from the arrogant, novelist OHN:)

    • You complete me. Trust me, I’ve been mulling around the whole happy pill thing but I’m so gun- shy from my last experience. I love the idea of it and recommend it to others but my last experience was not nice. I was on Effexor and I tried stopping them and got the worst side effects I have ever experienced – brain zaps. Hard to explain, but it’s like an mild electrical current sensation in your head and panic attacks. I’ve been reluctant to step back on that pharmaceutical merry go round ever since. The whole problem is that often antidepressants initially give you symptoms like anxiety, trembling, sweating and trouble sleeping.

      Yes, it would be preferable if you moved next door. Would you like coffee or wine?

      • I am going to petition the World Health Organization to include brain zaps as an official medical term. It describes it exactly. 🙂
        Don’t let that one med discourage you though. There are others that do only what they should…clear up the fog.
        I personally would recommend Wellbutrin XL 😉

        Oh, and please have a chilled peach Snapple ready (none of that diet crap…I need sugar:)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s