Archive | October 2010

Great article to read

You have got to read the article in the latest O magazine called – Mourning Has Broken by Ian Wallach.  It’s about his grief in reaction to his wife’s miscarriage.  I was really moved to tears by it.

I’ve never suffered a miscarriage, but I could relate to the grief and heartache of infertility.  I certainly felt grateful that we had a successful adoption.  Even when my back is on fire and my eyelids are heavy, I wouldn’t trade that for the joy our son has brought into our lives.

It’s also refreshing to see a man’s perspective on such matters.

Things to be thankful for

As an update of the little mister’s sleep routine – well, we had two nights out of week where he slept straight through to 6:30am.  So we put him to bed a bit early, no playtime after bathtime and since he’s napping mid day and only once I might add, he’s been pretty tired.  We also dressed him a bit lighter (the weather has been warmer lately).  The other 5 nights he still woke up in the middle of the night yelling his head off for milk and once cause he had a poo.

He also has 4 teeth up top coming in and today was NOT  a good day.  He didn’t eat very much and was very clingy and whiney today.  I tried all the homeopathic stuff but finally used the Tylenol and he slept for 2 hours, then back up whining, more homeopathic stuff.  Of course, today was the day I interviewed a babysitter and she got to meet his cranky self.  I finally told DH I just couldn’t take the kid to auditions all the time.  It’s brutal trying to get ready and prepare while he needs this and I can’t always accommodate his schedule when some things just need to get done.

The other day, I finally got these all natural product using cleaners to come in (I had bought a housecleaning visit through one of those bulk buying deals online) and it took them 2 weeks to schedule me in and don’t you know it, I got an audition the day  and time they were supposed to come.  I called a young woman that I know (I paid her) to come by and watch him (he was supposed to be sleeping before the got there but he wasn’t having it) and let the cleaners in.  Turns out they were running late, and I was home right before they arrived (right at the very second he was falling asleep).   Luckily there were two of them so they were done in 90 minutes, so I could get my house back.  They had to skip his room as he was napping.  The dog  and all her loose hairs got put out on the balcony.

So if this baby sitter checks out, I will have at least two people I can call on to watch him during the day if I get busy.  It’s nice to have friend who can help you out in a pinch, but I just can’t rely on friends’ generosity all the time.  Cause you know, they start saying no and then you have to move down the list and I don’t know too many people who are available during the days/weekends or don’t have kids of their own to attend to.  I’ll call this girl’s references when I get a chance and hopefully she’ll work out.

Funny, DH said he didn’t know if he liked the idea of a stranger watching our kid.  Well, I pointed out to him that they are only strangers until you get to know them.   We don’t have family nearby, mum’s dementia disqualifies her and all of our friends are employed.  Who doesn’t prefer a trusted friend?   However, they are not always available.  He always tried to come home early if I need him, but he’s not going to cancel meetings for it.   I need to get some help when he’s travelling and if the dog can get a walker, the kid can get a sitter. I also went to the gym for the first time in a year and a half and HE had to change his plans.    I’m going to spend more weekend time in the gym.  I am so sick of my back giving out on me and I need to work on my core.  I used to be able to do 100 crunches in one sitting and now I can barely do 10.  I finally lost 5 lbs – can you believe it took this long?  2 1/2 months people.  To be honest, I think there was/is a great deal of internal resistance going on.  I waited for the WW people to call out my name and hand me my 5 lbs lost gold sticker.  I was waiting to say that my secret was that when  I run out of points, I just go to bed.  In the end, I had to go back to the nazi weight scale stations and beg one of the counsellors for one.  I think I’m finally getting tired of being surprised when I look in the mirror.

I just wanted to wish all my Canadian friends a very happy Thanksgiving.

I am grateful for…. a gig I got that I didn’t even have to audition for. I was supposed to film it tomorrow, but they just changed the date from two weeks from now.  A no line part in a kid’s feature, but the pay is pretty darn good.  My Visa bill is breathing a sigh of relief and Christmas is coming, folks.

We’re going to the in-laws this weekend and then back in time to do the turkey thing all over again with my mother.  I made  a low fat apple pie and candied yams (West Indian style, none of that sickly sweet miniature marshmallow topping crap) and now I have to pack my bag.  With all the baby crap plus the dog crap we have to bring, I’m sure I’ll forget something.

I am grateful I’m not cooking a turkey.

My MIL suggested we book a hotel room and I thought that was a brilliant idea – the thought of a decent night’s sleep (no, not sex) sounded divine.  Alas, there was not a hotel room in Victoria to be had.  No, I’m not kidding.  No, wait there was a one.  In one of those cheap, roadside places with questionable bedding.  Mmm, not my idea of a getaway.  Then when my film day got switched, we COULD get a room for Friday night and we found a nice place we could use travel points for but then MIL realized she couldn’t handle a restless junior and then deal with a heavy cooking day.  So there went that idea.  Sigh.  Good bye comfy bed, hello freezing cold night on a foamy on the living room floor.

I am grateful I have a loving MIL who will make Thanksgiving dinner even though she hates cooking.

I just got my period and inside I’m a cranky bitch on wheels with one last nerve. DH got a new smart phone and he’s had his face in it for 48 hours straight. I’m going to step on it.

I am grateful for the wine that I am about to have this weekend.  In moderation, of course.

It’s 1030 and I am neither packed nor asleep.  Yikes!

More musings

Love your comments about the film, Away We Go.  I’m sorry I didn’t get to see the end, I was too tired.  I’m pretty darned sure I would not have attempted to get pregnant after adopting 4 kids.  I’m sure people do it though.  Trust me, there were a few people who said, oh, you’ll probably get pregnant now!  Hahahaha!  Adoption as a cure for infertility?  Hey, why not just hang that out there so I NEVER GIVE UP THE DAMN DREAM!

When I decided to adopt, I was pretty much done with trying – my “advanced maternal age” and all. No more hormones, no more expensive ovulation kits, no more timed sex.  Hah, no more sex!   I stopped keeping track of my periods, and somehow having sex seemed empty.  I have mentioned this ages ago, but I had the last of my eggs placed inside my uterus in an unmedicated cycle.  I was just done.  We both were.    I just didn’t want my eggs to stay frozen year after year after year.  Why?  Why not let them expire inside of me?  Hence, my moniker.  So when the inevitable BFN arrived, I had to truly come to terms that I would never be pregnant, never experience childbirth, never get to see the child that would be part me, part him. No cute maternity clothes, no belly shots, no birth announcements in the paper.   There would be no friends surrounding us with flowers and balloons in a hospital room; DH would never get to hand out the cigars, we wouldn’t have a birth video to record his arrival.  All the stuff I had fantasized about for years.

What made it worse was that once I truly understood understood what adoption entailed, I grieved all over again because now the process was public.  When we had talked about adopting years ago, it was all theoretical.  We had no idea of what it really meant.  True, I didn’t have to spread my legs anymore for the inspections and procedures, but I had to reveal myself to social workers, lawyers, receptionists, even the Kinko people when we made our profiles.  Hey look everybody, we’re begging for a kid!

The fantasy I had of me and DH in a hospital room in half light with our little one on my chest was gone.  I had to answers questions, be fingerprinted, deplete my life savings, PROVE my worth (or so it felt) and WAIT.  AND WAIT.  AND WAIT.  And then of course the fact that another woman had to let go of the child she had given birth to, carried around inside of her for 9 months and leave empty handed in order for me to be a mother.  I was grateful, but it made me sad.  When all eyes were on me, I demonstrated absolute resolve, calmness and my mouth made the words coming out make sense.  People said congratulations!  I smiled p0litely to the gatekeepers along the way from the social worker to the courthouse to the customs officers.  And when I came home, I sobbed out of sheer relief.

I was not in the position to “try again”.  I get it universe, this is my path, and it occurs to me that I may have been saved from a worse fate.  The real miracle is that I no longer yearn for a child part me/part him.  The Precious looks up at me with his big eyes and he wipes away all thought of what could have been and embraces me in the present.  This is his gift to me.

late night movie musing

*I wrote this last night, but went to bed before I finished it.

I should be sleeping but I just have to make this quick post.  I am watching Away We Go with John Krasinski and Maya Randolph and I’m probably going to bed right after I write this, so don’t ask me about the ending.  Anyways, it’s the story of this couple who are pregnant and they go visiting their friends and family with kids to find out how they can be good parents or something like that.  Anyways, they go visit people in Montreal and their friends have 4 adopted kids and everything looks so happy.  Maya Randolph tells the wife that her getting pregnant was a happy accident.  The wife asks Maya Randolph who is 6 months pregnant  how things are going with her pregnancy.  She then downs her drink and says half heartedly that she’s happy for her.  Then the husband takes them to a strip bar (cause apparently that’s what Montrealers do for fun) and they are stunned to find his wife up there for amateur night.  They thought she was in the bathroom.  And he sits there riveted while she does a slow, sad dance around the pole (with her clothes on) and tells John Krasinski that she had another miscarriage.  Her 5th miscarriage.  He goes on to say that they were selfish and waited til their 30s to have children only to find it difficult; that they watched their babies grow and then fade away; that 14 year olds can have babies without barely trying; and that they didn’t know whether to name or bury their dead babies.  The wife finishes her sad dance, and goes to cuddle in her husband’s arms.

So.  I thought it was incredibly sad for a couple of reasons.  I really liked the husband’s monologue about the pain of not being able to have children, the pain of losing your babies.  I could really feel the wife’s grief/indifference in face of a pregnant belly.  I could even understand that adoption didn’t solve the problem of infertility and loss.  But I kinda felt like they were saying that you can adopt all the kids you want, you’re still going to want to keep trying to have your own child and this women endured 5 miscarriages.

Has anyone seen the movie?  What do you think?  I know there are women who proceed with adoption plans and IVF at the same time.  Do they want to just have more than one kid or is it more like hedging your bets kind of thing?  Would I have done the same thing had it been an option?  Not sure.

Not my turn

Ah, it’s a boring saga but it’s mine.  I have something slightly less boring for you later…..

I had DH wake up the Precious at about 5:45 and asked him to change him into a cotton sleeper, then feed him dinner and then put him back to bed…. and one hour later, he went right back to sleep with no playtime.  And then he woke up at 4:10am.  However, it’s DH turn to get up now that it’s the weekend.  He gave him a big bottle of milk and had him back to sleep in 15 min.  And of course back up this morning around 7:30am.

So from what I’ve been reading, this is a fairly typical thing in his age range and there is no one thing that will magically fix it.  So we will try the early to bed thing again tonight.  Now he had a big dinner right before going to bed – meaning he eats about a jar and a half of baby food, then pureed fruit.   Then he gets a six ounce bottle.  I don’t think I can get him to eat any more food than he already does.  He lets me know when he’s had enough (he’s got the arm block down to a science).  He gets solids 3 – 5  times a day and milk (4 bottles throughout the day).  If we’re out and about, he gets Mum Mum rice crackers til we get home.

So, I guess this is the part where I learn to roll with things.  However, all your suggestions are duly noted and I will probably try them alllllllllll!

Here goes nothin’

Thanks for the input, we’re going to try to put him to bed a bit earlier.  As a matter of fact, I’ll try throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.  He had an early morning meltdown, so I put him down for a nap.  A tiny bit of protesting, but my timing was good.  Then this afternoon, I fed him lunch, did some emails, took a shower, then tried to get out the door to see mother.  I suspected he was a bit sleepy from lunch, but it was a spectacular day and I wanted to get out.  We headed out, he fell asleep for about 15 minutes or so in his stroller, then he woke up.  We took mum out for a stroll then headed to Starbucks for our customary outing, then took mum back.  It’s now about 3:30. I stop at an Indian restaurant to pick up some dinner because I’m pretty darn sure this is going to be husband’s first question when I see him later.  That’s when he started to wind up and act whiney and I pulled out every trick in the book while we waited for the takeout to be ready.  10 minutes later, we’re home, I feed him a bottle (thinking he had a huge lunch and can’t be that hungry after the crackers I gave him later)  and put him down.  He cries for 45 minutes straight.  I try to ignore it.  Last time, I just went in and rocked him a bit and he fell asleep so I try that.  Nope.  So he cries some more.  Finally I give up, go in and wipe the snot from his face, his t-shirt is SOAKED from tears, and I give him another small bottle.  I cry a few tears as he gives me THAT look, you know, the one that says WHERE WERE YOU?  I JUST WANTED A BIT MORE.  And then he falls asleep.

So I’ll let him have a short nap, feed him dinner and put him back to bed  – that’s the plan anyway.

Now I’m going to have a little drink and forgive myself for not being perfect.