I’ve been feeling pretty weepy this past week. Not sure if it’s the fact that the Precious is almost one year old, hormones, long lost friends or that my mother has fallen down twice this week. I took the kid up to see her on Wednesday and she was sleeping. I took the opportunity to talk to the staff who definitely noticed a decline in her lately. Then she woke up and came out. Her left eye was puffy and badly bruised, the white of her all pink. I was struck by her fragility. My little man reached out for her and grabbed her finger when she said her usual “Heyyyyy!’. He knew her and looked into her eyes. She could recall his name but not mine when I asked her. I was so overwhelmed, tears flooded my eyes and I struggled to keep it together. I mean she knew who I was, she just couldn’t retrieve the name. I had spoken to a physical therapist earlier this week who had suggested a walker, but when I got there, there was none. Since she fell and split her lip I have been all over the staff making sure they follow through in a timely manner. So far they have been extremely cooperative, but it’s times like these that make me want to get ugly. I want to start yelling, because I can’t fix her.
I asked the staff to ask the doctor to call me on my cell. We talked and I asked about if a CT Scan or MRI would help give them more information, but the doctor assured me that she had not suffered a concussion when she fell, though it was possible she had had mini strokes. Apparently that is common with dementia, however it would not change any treatment. I gave her some further information like lately she has been unable to follow simple direction even with physical prompts and she attempted to drink from a paper bag containing a piece of cake. She suspected it falling was due to mental health medication and she would do something about decreasing it. Of course. I left the care home barely holding it together. I felt so helpless. I chanted all the way home. Had to take care of the kid.
Damn antipsychotics. They had changed her meds due to her “becoming wild” – they didn’t inform me however) and now she trips and falls because she has no balance and shuffles. This tinkering to find the right dosage may be standard protocol, but as you know with every drug, there is a side effect. I’ve been down this road with her before. One drug that can make her mentally sharper started to deteriorate her body until she could barely swallow food. Another drug made her wander off while I was changing in a Sears dressing room. It took an hour to find her and luckily she hadn’t left the mall.
I can’t bear to see her lose bits of herself. The danger of her falling and breaking a hip is quite high and if that happens, what life she has will turn to shit and I’d rather she just die than fall apart bit by bit. I know she’s not ever going to get better, but the life she has had, such as it was, was good enough to have a beer, share a laugh and walk in the sunshine with us.
I had two auditions yesterday. Of course, hubby is away on business. It happens every single time. He goes away and I get super busy. I got a sitter in and managed to make it through the day, but I was so distracted. Good parts, but I couldn’t care less about booking them. Of course, they shoot when I’m supposed to go to San Francisco with DH. Sigh. Believe it or not, I’d rather go away. I want to get on a plane with my family and just change scenes for a while. As some of you may know, it’s not exactly a cakewalk travelling with an active kid, but I was really looking forward to it. I need to hug somebody. She knows who she is.
Last night, I sat on the edge of my bed and had a good cry. I didn’t want to go to bed. I just wanted to weep. Cause today is another day, I hear the Precious babbling his morning song, and I will pull on my armour and once again, stand guard for my mum and take care of my son.