On Monday, I took the Precious with me to a late audition. It’s not something I enjoy doing but getting a sitter for was not really worth it as DH was going to be home by the time I got back. I am so used to having tunnel vision when I prep for an audition, so it’s always a challenge for me with the little guy trailing me. I’m running around, trying to get dressed, make sure I have my sides (script) which he’s always grabbing, get him dressed and ready to go (after chasing him around), I make it to the parking garage and realize I forgot his puffs so I have to carry him back up to get it. I left in plenty of time, miraculously the traffic was light and honestly, he was great. He’s always great and no problem. There is always someone I know to keep him entertained. I always worry he’s going to cry when I go in the room, but he never does. I only had one line and do you think I could get it right when I opened my mouth? Sigh. I nailed it the second time, but I felt immediately that I didn’t get it. Can you imagine interviewing for different jobs over and over and not getting them? It can be disheartening for sure. Yet I should be used to it, right? Lately, I’m dreading the phone calls from my agent.
By the time I had returned, DH was back from work, I had a chance to grab something to eat and then go chant with my district. It did lift my spirits as it always does. We chatted afterwards and I was encouraged to see my son as my support as opposed to my burden. That’s a good goal for me. I often feel so fractured, never feeling like I’m concentrating fully in the moment. I get caught up in trying to accomplish so many little things during the day and nothing ever really gets done the way I would like. I get frustrated and then the little bugger looks up and grins at me and I am goofy with love.
I was so tired yesterday, I was actually drinking an energy drink out of a coffee cup. You know who had us up again the night before and I managed to spill water all over him during the night (forgot to put the ring in the bottle and the nipple fell through), then I had to change him, all the while with him screeching in my ear. I got a headache. DH took over and had him settled in five minutes. I have to say he’s definitely more relaxed about it than I am. I feel bad cause he’s awake and he has to get up early and go to work. I want to get one thing “right”. Yeah, I know, I know. As if. But instead of napping, I did some househunting on Craigslist and made two appointments to see houses. I’m not thrilled, but DH has left it all up to me (he’s very occupied at work) and the sooner I get it over with, the better. There’s just not a heck of a lot of choice this time of year. I hate change. I also hate the thought of settling. You might call it a compromise but it feels like settling. I think it’s because I just want my own home. But we’re not ready for that yet. Patience, patience. So not good with that.
Later, I had to ask him to take the kid with him on his walk with the dog. Imagine that. Poor DH, he was tired himself and asked if I would rather “take a break” and walk the dog. Hahahaha. No. I actually hit the wall and fell asleep.