Pain/revelations *edited*

I’ve been on the cranky side lately.  Ruminating on my fundamental darkness.  It may have a lot to do with the fact that I hurt my back again – twisting and lifting my boy – a definite no-no for me but apparently I keep forgetting.  My usual chiro was away and I couldn’t get a hold of my massage person so  I went to a new chiro up the street.  Oh, boy, that ended up being  complicated and irritating and expensive.  Which made me even crabbier.  Yes, I do feel better but he’s pushy, arrogant and I don’t want going to the chiro to be part of my “healing” lifestyle.   It was a little like going to get your oil changed and ended up getting filters replaced and oops, there’s something else leaking and you need an engine overhaul.  Sure everyone’s car would run better if they fixed and replaced every little damn part, but that’s not what you  went in for.  I’m going back to my old chiro to have a little chat next week.  Right after I break the appointment I made with the new one.  Something’s telling me this isn’t the right doc for me. Just a feeling.

Which brings me back to fundamental darkness.  In Buddhism, it’s equivalent to what’s really holding you back in life.  It’s your negativity, your doubt, your fears, your lack of whatever that makes you feel like you’re walking through quicksand at challenging times in your life.  It comes up to smack the back of your head whenever you’re pushed beyond your comfort zones.  In theory, you can avoid it by staying within your comfort zones, but you may have noticed that as you get older, life can get complicated.  Perhaps it’s your spouse that doesn’t behave as you would like  or it’s your children or lack thereof, your body gets sick, your parents get sick, you lose your job, or someone you love dies.  Or sometimes, life is just fine, but you have a sneaking suspicion that it could be better. Cause if it was, you wouldn’t feel the way you do. You can only ignore that little whisper from your heart at your own peril.

How do I feel?  Generally, quite content with life as is. I have an amazing life, full of good friends and good times.  I’m digging the family thing.  Specifically, my creative side is floundering quite a bit. It’s been proposed to  put creativity to work in the domestic arena.  This is insufficient for me.  Unsatisfying.  Boring.  I already know how to make an apple pie from scratch.  Telling me I make a wonderful lamb roast is a compliment but it doesn’t make me feel excited and alive.  Sorry.  I miss running my own life.  Entering the motherhood arena has its own rewards, but there are pitfalls as well.  It’s supposed to be noble to give up your own life for your child.  My child can have my life, that’s not a problem.  But I will not snuff out the light on my artistic self because it’s not convenient.  Next up, is a bit of daycare so I can do my errands, or get my hair done or go for lunch with someone who doesn’t fling food on the floor.

Let’s face it, the Precious is in control of my life. He’s my little guy.   He smiles up at me and I melt.  I love it when he plays peekaboo with me and pinches an old cel phone between his shoulder and his head (like me).   He runs to me and hugs my leg and cuddles my fleecy bathrobe.

*I realized my ending was a little abrupt – I had hit publish because I had to go – we had to go grocery shopping – and I didn’t realize I never finished my thought.  What I wanted to say was this:

I adore raising this little boy.  My husband has worked very hard to bring us to this point and I appreciate all his efforts.  I have had to be careful lately about what I say because my spoken ruminations sound like negativity to him.  Perhaps it is, but what I really needed was someone to talk to about how I feel.  I’m not depressed, I’m just stuck.  And sometimes I wonder if my back problems reflect my inner turmoil as well as my spare tire.

Yesterday I had an audition (yes, on a Sunday) and of course, I wasn’t as prepared as I wanted to be, family stuff, we had had friends over the night before and I had to ask DH to run lines with me just before I had to go.  I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, a mother of a 3 year old and we sat down on the couch to talk after we had finished auditioning.  She listened, she understood, she nodded her head and offered practical suggestions.  She talked about staying up until the wee hours just so she could decompress from her day, settling herself down, getting the things done she wanted done – of course, only to have her sleep interrupted time and time again.   She realized that some things had to slide, domestic tidiness was not always possible.  She needed to give things up in order to be more present with her child.  More importantly, it was more about giving ourselves permission to grab back chunks of our prior artistic selves, handing the reins of child care to another on a regular basis.  Now this was a woman who was NEVER without her child attached to her. She took attached parenting very seriously.   She carried him EVERYWHERE. At the same time, she and her husband own a business, she has her mother who is debilitated with Alzheimers’ LIVE with her (along with constant caregivers), and she is also an actress.  This woman is BUSY.   She hired someone to just play with her little boy while she did what she had to do and she told me to schedule 5 hours not 3 so I wouldn’t be too rushed if I had to drive to the North Shore that day.

My point is this.  If I can find the time to schedule chiropractic care (of course the pain motivated me to find the time) then I can find the time to schedule my “artistic care”.   And it doesn’t have to be squeezed into the wee hours when I’m tired and spent and everyone else’s needs have been attended to.

My son will continue to have the very best of me.  I have to cultivate the very best in me.  This is my mission.

5 thoughts on “Pain/revelations *edited*

  1. I can really relate to this, especially the need for another outlet for your creativity. I’m glad you are getting some childcare so you can do the things that make you feel like you.

  2. Yes and yes and yes.

    I was reading that selection of Atwood essays again — so much of it dealing with writers and writing and the particular art that I think of as ‘my art’ – and I got so profoundly sad — there was this essay about her giving a craft lecture on the way through the glaciers of Greenland and I came out of the bedroom and sat by G and said that I felt like I’d never see the glaciers, that I’d never write, that I’d somehow gotten my footing beneath me too late — and now — as much as I adore my life with Z and feel incredibly lucky, and do — feel that something else is slipping from me.

    I always felt so good about my progression — I would have always said that I made choices — had a career — found out who I was before embarking on family — but I had my shadow career beneath all of that — writing — and that career was one that was never realized.

    I know that its one foot in front of the other at this age — and as they age– which goes by so quickly really — more and more freedom will come –but it is hard to see a way to yourself when so much is going to a little person.

    Love to you my friend,


  3. I couldn’t agree more. If you don’t cultivate the best in you, your son won’t get the best of you either. Wishing you so much luck with the changes you’re about to make….

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