Hope in a blog

So back to the earlier quote.  I was so rudely interrupted by my life.

When you devote your life to achieving your goal, you will not be bothered by shallow criticism. In fact nothing important can be accomplished if you allow yourself to be swayed by some trifling matter, always looking over your shoulder and wondering what others are saying or thinking. The key to achievement is to move forward resolutely along your chosen path.

There are a few ways that I looked at it.   One – it’s a simple message of encouragement.  Two – it’s about trying to have a kid.  Naturally, I’d think that.  Three  – it’s encouragement about following your artistic dreams.

Let’s go with #3.  I consider myself a bit of a later bloomer.  Or I’m seriously lazy, one or the other.  In any case, it’s a good theory.  I don’t possess the Type A gene that allows me to systematically and doggedly get my stuff done.   If I was, I would have been married with 3 kids by the time I was 30 and I’d be starring in a TV series and you’d all be following me on Twitter right now.  Mind you, when I do work on a project, I’m very focused and I can’t stand to be interrupted (cause I am so easily distracted) but I need to be seriously interested in what I’m doing.  This way of being was effective when I was single.  And not drunk.  Now, it’s a seriously flawed way to live. The “trifling matter”  referred to in the quote – now that wouldn’t be my kid, would it?   I have been blessed with a remarkable little boy who is actively exploring his world.  In other words, as soon as I turn my back, he’s grabbing things I would prefer him not to touch.  Like my laptop, the digital box, the telephone, the pen my husband is sure he will impale himself on, the dog food, everything on our nightstands, the toilet bowl brush….. all this before the day really gets rolling.  Taking care of him is my job.  My joy.

And my job is also to take care of the house, the cooking, the cleaning (oh, yeah, that’s about to change), the laundry, the errand running,  my mother, the dog and if were a fantasy woman I’d be able to do it all while remaining conveniently employed,  svelte and even tempered.  Unfortunately, I have a deep seated dislike of being a domestic engineer.   I don’t know one person, correction, one woman in my life that is merely content to be a wife and mother extraordinaire.  Not one.  Even the ones with more than one kid have a job they are interested in… and a nanny.  The artists I know, they still create and if they are currently occupied with the early years of growing a child have that pained look showing through their smiles.  And if they are single or married with no kids, well, they are actively and fully engaged in creating.

The painful part is the realization that I am responsible for this,  I don’t have to smile weakly and say, “that’s life”.   I chose it.  I keep forgetting I have  a huge capacity.  Pain clouds my thinking.  Fatigue makes me feel less than.  The Buddhist teachings are pretty strict in that you are responsible for writing your own destiny.  You must never give up.  Cause there is always something.

I had my mammogram on Wednesday.  Tbursday they called to schedule me a breast ultrasound for next Friday.  Well, I could have had it on Thursday but it’s the Precious first day in his “little friends” class and I didn’t want to miss that, so I can wait another day.  DH is supposed to be flying to Calgary but he said he will reschedule his flight until after the results.  Now, of course, I’m a little nervous (okay, I was in a snit yesterday) but this has happened to me before in 2008 and it was all fine, just one of those pesky benign fibrous masses.  I’m sure that it’s the same thing.  DH just shrugged and said, “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it, you don’t have breast cancer”.  Typical response.  But when you’re a woman who has attended the funeral of a dear friend who had a long, drawn out battle with breast cancer,  the “trifling matter” is not so trifling anymore.

I’m fine.  The in-laws arrive today,  I’ve got 3 hours of transcribing left to do, the kid is awake.  I need more coffee.  And sunshine.  I need to buy something incredibly expensive.  Love you guys.  Nam myo ho renge kyo.


6 thoughts on “Hope in a blog

  1. Men really do minimize and compartmentalize things don’t they? (unless of course they have a cold and feel the need to tell you what kind of memorial service they want–drama queens).

    The more you write about Buddhist teachings, the more I feel the need to read even more about them. It is such a great way to think and be, I just wonder if I am too much of a worrier/anxiety ridden mess.

    Also, on the upside..I always had masses and it used to make me so mad when the docs would say ‘you should be able to tell what is normal in your own breasts’ …well, yeah, never could. Those lumps would shift spots just to piss me off. So, the upside, when you get older (ancient, like me), your lumps just go away because your boobs get so flabby and looonnnng. So you have that to look forward to 🙂

    • You actually made me a laugh – thanks for that. Needed it. I’ve been keeping pretty busy this weekend – transcribing and also have the in-laws over. And no, I’m a natural born worrier/neurotic mess which is why Buddhism is so useful to me.

  2. I love you too.

    I do.

    And I will be thinking of you and steadily here, visiting you virtually. I read this post when it first went up and nearly cried with relief and joy for the connection it brought…to truly feel as if you are not alone.

    “The painful part is the realization that I am responsible for this, I don’t have to smile weakly and say, “that’s life”. I chose it. I keep forgetting I have a huge capacity. Pain clouds my thinking. Fatigue makes me feel less than. The Buddhist teachings are pretty strict in that you are responsible for writing your own destiny. You must never give up. Cause there is always something.”

    You are a blessing.

    I hope the in-laws enjoy precious so you can enjoy silent you time.



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