Making changes

Thank you everyone for your daimoku, prayers and positive vibes.  I ended up cancelling the thermogram.  I took the Precious to visit my doctor so that we could talk about it and for a change, I actually listened to her.  I would have just obsessed about it all weekend anyway, wondering what this meant or that meant and I’d still have to go to the ultrasound/mammogram appointment anyway.  She did a breast exam on me, didn’t find anything alarming, but assured me that if it was more along the lines of  HIGH suspicion instead of  LOW suspicion, that would have referred me to a biopsy. So I’m going on pure faith that I will be just fine and if not, I’ll deal with that when I need to.

DH took the next day off to bond with the Precious and I went to the spa and had my snitch snatched, eyebrow threaded and the talons on my feet attended to.  Then after running a few errands,  I went for a lovely 75 minute massage by a woman  I know who did wonders for my back before.  Honestly, it felt like I was doing something naughty, like skipping school.  I felt like that guy on Ferris Bueller who wanted to relax and have fun but had the clock ticking down in his head.

Then I had an absolutely brutal discussion with hubby about money. I sat down and told him that I had been feeling out of control lately and wanted to get involved with our financial life.  I had printed out some papers for a monthly budget and asset/liability sheet.  Now instead of actually listening, I was treated to a lecture that basically went over the old, dead horse of how I don’t make enough money, my career is basically over,how much money we had spent during IVF and adoption,  how I don’t understand that there’s nothing left over to save, how we can’t afford a gardener or for that matter, even a sitter. That I want this and that and we can’t afford a million dollar home, I go through money and how he doesn’t even have decent business pants and he never gets anything for himself.  Funny how the dog gets adventure hikes, but I get flack for wanting to do an acting class.  He doesn’t seem to realize that when I was in a regular class, I actually worked more.

Of course, I persisted.  This is the part I hate about my husband.  He’s a yeller, though his volume is not loud, you still end up feeling like you’ve been yelled at.  Yes, I told I didn’t appreciate his condescending tone. I told him he needed to focus on the here and now and what I was trying to accomplish.  Never mind that he always ends up making the decisions on how our money is being spent.  Sure, he asks me, but ultimately, he’s the one that controls it. Which is probably why we don’t have a plan for the future.  He’s just upset and defensive because I am implying that I can do a better job of handling our money.  He thinks I’m just an artsy fartsy bored housewife with delusions of grandeur.  Yep, I can see how he would get that impression.

Those days are now over.  I now have a debit card on his account. A spreadsheet on his business portfolio.  He wrote me a  cheque for 10% of his pay.  And I have starting saving that  money in an account he doesn’t have access to.  He’s right about one thing, we BOTH go through a LOT OF CASH in a month.  Oh, the bills get paid and the debt is attended to, but I have no idea exactly where all the rest goes.  And neither does he.  It’s hard to factor my income into a budget since it’s not a sure thing.  Some months I make money, some I don’t make any.  He thinks that since he has no hobbies or outside interests, that all my stuff needs to get cut from the budget.  We have a kid now and so therefore my needs are not important.  Remember when I talked about that when you become a mother, you just seem to disappear bit by bit.  Mother as noble martyr routine.

Guess what, I’m still going to get a sitter.  We have no friends or family nearby and as I told hubby, I obviously can’t expect him to take days off work or expect my MIL to travel from the island every time.  I have to go these medical appointments tomorrow afternoon and guess who’s taking the afternoon off to stay with the kid?  So apparently I don’t just need a sitter so I can go shopping.   I set up an interview today. As for the gardening, my friend will help me with that.  I already paid the lawn service guys to clean up the mess, so they just have one more visit to do.  Watch me get a free lawnmower.

His birthday was spent – at home – with a lovely dinner cooked by me.  I gave him a zero gravity lounger so he could enjoy not sitting in when he’s out back with the kid.  Believe or not, he’s been extremely loving and attentive the whole weekend.

The Queen has spoken.


5 thoughts on “Making changes

  1. I hate that your spa day was marred by other thoughts, but I’m glad you sat the Mr down to discuss the finances. You’ll never find that missing cash until you start writing it all down; of course we end up arguing over how much my honey spends on beer every week.

  2. I could have written this very post! M and I are going through something similar. Worst thing is I am trying to get a job but companies are only looking to hire rookies and I have a solid 7+ years of experience. Struggle is on…

  3. GAWD I HATE TALKING FINANCES. For years BigD took care of the finances until he would repeatedly forget to pay bills and the phone started ringing from those pesky collection people. I lost it. I offered to “help” since he was so busy (yeah, I let him save face). I got us out of the debtor loop and now have total control of all of our finances. He was actually relieved to not have to think about any of it again. Ironically, if I drop dead tonight, he doesn’t know what we have where, how much, what for(I KNOW…It’s ridiculous) …….I have it all written down and he knows where the info can be accessed but he couldn’t tell you how much any of our monthly expenses amount to.

    I like that you are both going to pay attention to where the money goes. You do need to make sure you actually set aside a dedicated amount for yourselves (together or individually) for treats and pleasure. If you don’t resentment will likely build and it will be rinse and repeat.

    For us, I have worked it out that we can live on his pay, and like you, since mine is hit and miss, it goes for the extras, birthdays, vet bills, and even a stash I add to for trips.

    I love it when a Queen speaks and is heard 🙂

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