So we’re still looking for a new place – hubby came home after work, grabbed the car and did a drive by on a couple of places at least 30 minutes from here. Seems like you can get lower rent, but you end up with the equivalent of sad looking places in nice neighbourhoods. Sigh. Hubby already dislikes inviting people over here. Of course, if my family visited me, I might feel the same way.
Speaking of family, my sister and her son came from Toronto. After many new developments, they finally arrived last week. My sister made it her priority to spend as much time with my mum as possible. She took her out for walks in her wheelchair which is something I’ve never done. Just recently she was put in another type of chair, one with footrests, and she took her to a nearby park and to a coffee shop. She told me she really enjoyed it and remained calm, despite all the busyness of city life. Of course, it was emotional for her, but mum did have some lucid moments. As I well know, that’s tough, really tough to actually her really see you and emotionally connect. I was with her on her 77th birthday. We booked a private room and brought some West Indian food to her. I brought a hand blender so I could puree the curried goat to enable her to eat it. A couple of times she looked at me HARD and her eyes flooded with tears. She fought to connect and communicate clearly to me. At one point, I had to just excuse myself so I could pull myself together.
Yet I pretty much just spent the week keeping my nephew and my son busy so she could hang with mum, so we only really were alone together once when I took her to a local spa to get her brows done. The week just flew by and then they were gone. And now it`s back to business as usual around here. At least for the time being. My sis did tell me that more family may be on their way. My nieces. And wait for it…. my father.
Not sure if I can handle that.
I was so moved by this story, while perusing my smartphone for news on the go – and stumbled across this. I just had to share it. An amazing story of one mother surviving Auschwitz. http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/08/25/pregnant-in-auschwitz-toronto-holocaust-survivor-recalls-split-second-decision-that-saved-her-and-unborn-son/
When I was about 11 or so I read Eli Weisel’s “Night”. It was the first time I realized that people were discriminated against on the basis of religion. The fact that people could do such horrific things in this world (and frankly still do in one way or another) shook me to the core and forever changed how I viewed humanity.
Still, I remained in awe of those who survive – to tell the tale.
Lest you think I spend all my time dwelling in mothering existential hell, I’ve been having a great summer. Now that we finally have received sunshine and blue skies, we spend a lot of time outdoors at spray parks and the beaches which are only a ten minute drive away. We just had a BBQ weekend at the beach. On Saturday hubby took the kid for the morning to go find a kid’s birthday gift and I walked the dog. Way better deal. Way better. Quiet, long, restorative walk in the endowment lands. My back was still achy and it felt good to get the blood flowing. Later, we went to a toddler’s birthday party. This was the son of my husband’s work colleague at their beautiful home in a tony neighbourhood. No, no pangs of house envy for me, I’m over it now. The one thing that I felt misty eyed over was that the father had his parents there, taking pictures and enjoying their grandchildren in good health. I tell ya, kid’s birthday parties are really an excuse for parents to drink at home in the afternoon. They had a wine fridge bigger than our kitchen fridge! The mother had all the kids in attendance doing Olympic themed games. They had to run an obstacle course in a grass skirt and fake nose glasses! I asked hubby to coach the Precious and he was up to the challenge. A little complicated if you ask me, I would have filled a small pool with water and called it a day. Both my son and the 3 year old birthday boy seemed a little overwhelmed. At the end, all the kids received their gold medals – gold chocolate coins on a ribbon. Man, they had to earn their goody bags.
Then off to my friend’s 40th birthday bash where the pink champagne was flowing (discreetly of course because it’s illegal to drink alcohol in a public area) and then the next day we went to my Buddhist district’s picnic. A more peaceful atmosphere (no booze) but it was great. I had lots of time to chat with people while hubby entertained the kid with a quick visit to the sandy beach. It’s been ages since we’ve had consistently pleasant weather.
And then SURPRISINGLY I woke up Monday morning in a great mood and made it adventure day. Along with a neighbourhood mum and son we went to a new park, complete with a wading pool and had a great time there and then after a well deserved nap, we went to kick the ball around the local school field. Hubby came home early and we walked up to the local pub for dinner. Hubby said I should hire a sitter and just relax and focus on myself during the time off. Mmm. Yes, I checked for pods. He’s been awfully easygoing lately, sending me emails that detailing his appreciation of all my stay at home mum efforts. All in all, it was certainly one of the better Mondays I’ve ever had in a long time.
My back has been giving me grief and of course, my chiropractor was on vacation. So it got worse and I found myself back in his office again yesterday. Of course, the Precious did his usual no, no, no routine and as because he was tired, I mustered patience and persistence and we finally got there, late, but the dejavu moment was not lost on me. How many times have I laid on that table with the kid in the corner and me grimacing and moaning through the acupressure to release my tight muscles. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the daily routine of mundane life that has brought me to my knees.
A couple days ago, the Precious was merrily skipping down the pavement with the dog’s chuckit stick (it’s this thing that catapults a ball) and he tripped and banged his head on the sidewalk. It sounded like a watermelon hitting the ground. I was only 3 feet behind him and as I gathered him up in my arms and inspected the pearly red blood (so bright) flowing from cuts on his head, a calm, coiled tension entered my body. I calmed his cries, carried him up the front stairs of the house and placed him on the bench. I gathered the dog who had become stuck because of a trailing extendaleash (I hate those things but that morning I couldn’t locate her usual lead) and went back to inspecting him. Some cuts on his knees, a small piece of skin missing on his forehead, but otherwise okay. I took him inside, cleaned his head with a cool cloth and called 811, the nursing line. As I was put on hold, I was already picturing myself on the way to my doctor’s. My little champ assisted me bravely by holding a cold cloth to his head and then the gauze. After talking to the nurse, it was decided that as long as he didn’t display any serious symptoms, then a doctor visit was not needed. Then I called my husband to fill him in. I had a first aid kit and I was shaking the cold compress – which did not get cold at all. I cursed J&J and then when the kid was all bandaged up and quiet, I called them to give them a piece of my mind. They promptly apologized and courteously promised me a $20 cheque was in the mail. I just wanted to yell at somebody.
The Precious was fine, quite impressed with the big bandage I put on his head, the penguin bandaids on his knees and the popsicle he received for his troubles. Apparently a cool bandaid and a Popsicle made it all better. An hour later we went to the local school field for a picnic. He was running and laughing and chasing the ball I was throwing for the dog. I looked at this kid with amazement. He was ours? How lucky we were! I watched him run after two swallows that had come out to play. They swooped great circles around him. Tears sprang to my eyes. It was like I was watching a miracle. He just ran around in the grass laughing and giggling. I was so relieved and so freaking happy that he was okay. Maybe I should have had a popsicle too.
So on one hand, I feel worn out and would love to ship him off to his grandparents for a week. My nerves get frayed with all constant 12 hour days of toddler demands and needs on top of cooking, cleaning up, laundry, dog duty, transcribing all night long and when I get an hour to myself I just want to disappear into a vaccum, and then the other hand, I feel so grateful to be a mother to this kid. And lately, I feel like that every freaking day. So weird.
I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve been having crazy dreams lately. Crazy as in intense, emotional, depressing dreams. I wake up and feel the weight of my world on my shoulders. This morning is was about unpacking my mum’s clothes from brand new suitcases. Clothes from the house we grew up in. Tough to shake off and so I am left trying to analyze everything and that does not make me feel better. Ugh. Guilt. Throw in a churning gut and headaches and you end up with brain fog.
So of course, it’s been a while since I last visited her and in the meanwhile, I’ve been shuttling the kid to the community centre, play dates, two kickboxing visits, hosting hubby’s family for weekend, and transcribed for 20 hrs. And yet I feel, oh, yeah, but what am I really DOING in life. Hubby actually remarked that I was such a great writer but I was doing it for FREE. As in it’s such a pity you’re WASTING your talent when you could be doing something productive. Maybe I should just inform him I’m no longer available to help him raise the kid, do laundry, cook, walk the dog and spend time with the family cause I’d rather sit in my bedroom and write a Canadian bestseller. Yep, think I’ll do that. Wait a minute, I’ll give up sleeping so that no one is inconvenienced.
I called a good friend and reminded me to be gentle on myself and listed all the things I WAS doing. Which when you hear it from someone else sounds like a LOT. Later that day, I got a call about my district leader being in the hospital, an audition and somehow I managed to drop the kid off with my friend for a play date, visited said friend, chanted with her, picked up kid, picked up sushi for dinner, had dinner with family, and then ran out again for coaching.
Lightbulbs aren’t the only things that get burned out around here. I need a vacation. I’m tired.