I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve been having crazy dreams lately. Crazy as in intense, emotional, depressing dreams. I wake up and feel the weight of my world on my shoulders. This morning is was about unpacking my mum’s clothes from brand new suitcases. Clothes from the house we grew up in. Tough to shake off and so I am left trying to analyze everything and that does not make me feel better. Ugh. Guilt. Throw in a churning gut and headaches and you end up with brain fog.
So of course, it’s been a while since I last visited her and in the meanwhile, I’ve been shuttling the kid to the community centre, play dates, two kickboxing visits, hosting hubby’s family for weekend, and transcribed for 20 hrs. And yet I feel, oh, yeah, but what am I really DOING in life. Hubby actually remarked that I was such a great writer but I was doing it for FREE. As in it’s such a pity you’re WASTING your talent when you could be doing something productive. Maybe I should just inform him I’m no longer available to help him raise the kid, do laundry, cook, walk the dog and spend time with the family cause I’d rather sit in my bedroom and write a Canadian bestseller. Yep, think I’ll do that. Wait a minute, I’ll give up sleeping so that no one is inconvenienced.
I called a good friend and reminded me to be gentle on myself and listed all the things I WAS doing. Which when you hear it from someone else sounds like a LOT. Later that day, I got a call about my district leader being in the hospital, an audition and somehow I managed to drop the kid off with my friend for a play date, visited said friend, chanted with her, picked up kid, picked up sushi for dinner, had dinner with family, and then ran out again for coaching.
Lightbulbs aren’t the only things that get burned out around here. I need a vacation. I’m tired.