Archive | September 12, 2012

Jail time

I was having some further email conversations with Luna and something occurred to me.     She commented that she still feels that a bit of sync with the other mothers, despite having both a child she adopted and one she gave birth to.  I’m a mother of an 2 and 3/4 year old now.  A mother.  Even when I’m gnashing my teeth in frustration, I’m still grateful.  This child, my child, is  an AMAZING human being, even when he accidently head butts me when I’m trying to grab him to get his socks on.  Yet whenever I’m around other mothers, I still feel a bit odd.  Is it my age?  Mmm, a little bit.  I can’t say I enjoy the combination of perimenopause and toddlerhood.

I think what makes me feel different is that though I no longer wander around silently screaming please don’t ask me if I have kids!   I still feel that I lost a huge chunk of time trying to achieve something that I did not, could not.  The Lost Years, so to speak.  And occasionally, especially when I am at the kid’s preschool, surrounded by a sea of mothers, babies and strollers, I feel a little out of place.  Yes, I reply, when asked at the playground, he’s my only child.  And then some witty repartee about why mess with perfection, blah, blah, blah.  And I think that’s what Luna is referring to.  Those years that have been spent in mourning, loss and pursuit of parenthood on top of all the regular life hazards isn’t erased when parenthood finally does find you. It’s like this secret you don’t or won’t share with other mums.  You just babble on about naps and toilet training and stuff like that.  You just feel a teeny bit like an imposter. As if you had been in jail or something.  Hah.

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By the way, I had a callback for that part.  No I didn’t get it and yes, I feel like crap about it.

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