Jail time

I was having some further email conversations with Luna and something occurred to me.     She commented that she still feels that a bit of sync with the other mothers, despite having both a child she adopted and one she gave birth to.  I’m a mother of an 2 and 3/4 year old now.  A mother.  Even when I’m gnashing my teeth in frustration, I’m still grateful.  This child, my child, is  an AMAZING human being, even when he accidently head butts me when I’m trying to grab him to get his socks on.  Yet whenever I’m around other mothers, I still feel a bit odd.  Is it my age?  Mmm, a little bit.  I can’t say I enjoy the combination of perimenopause and toddlerhood.

I think what makes me feel different is that though I no longer wander around silently screaming please don’t ask me if I have kids!   I still feel that I lost a huge chunk of time trying to achieve something that I did not, could not.  The Lost Years, so to speak.  And occasionally, especially when I am at the kid’s preschool, surrounded by a sea of mothers, babies and strollers, I feel a little out of place.  Yes, I reply, when asked at the playground, he’s my only child.  And then some witty repartee about why mess with perfection, blah, blah, blah.  And I think that’s what Luna is referring to.  Those years that have been spent in mourning, loss and pursuit of parenthood on top of all the regular life hazards isn’t erased when parenthood finally does find you. It’s like this secret you don’t or won’t share with other mums.  You just babble on about naps and toilet training and stuff like that.  You just feel a teeny bit like an imposter. As if you had been in jail or something.  Hah.

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By the way, I had a callback for that part.  No I didn’t get it and yes, I feel like crap about it.

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7 thoughts on “Jail time

  1. it IS strange. there I am with this amazing preschooler and a baby on my hip, and I still just feel, well, different. I can’t seem to escape this ‘us’ and ‘them’ mentality, fertile and infertile, as if I could STILL never be one of ‘them,’ even with my two beautiful children, even when I don’t want any more, even though my family is complete.

    when they talk about their pregnancies or planning their children, I just have so little to say. well, I have plenty to say, but mostly out of the need to distinguish myself, as if to say, ‘you have NO idea,’ even though I can talk a good game about potty training, sleep deprivation, etc. but mostly I don’t want to call out that distinction because it can be exhausting, and really, does anyone even care? maybe I just use it as an excuse for why I haven’t really connected with any of the other moms yet. I don’t know.

    I’m so grateful for the few moms I’ve connected with in our adoption group. they are among the few people IRL who really get it.

    love this, btw. if I could just get my ass in gear to write I’d be all over this one… xo

  2. I totally get the fraud feeling. Sometimes I feel totally in synch with a group of moms but often I feel that I’m ten years (ok 15) too old to relate and there will be no baby #2 so there’s that as well. That said, I LOVE my adoptive mama friends. Come out to Tova’s!

  3. The Lost years. I kind of feel the same way. I also feel like I didn’t do enough during those years. Like, I didn’t go do all the things I could have before Baby X came along. It all became a slog, just trying to put one foot in front of the other to survive thrrough it. Not to mention expensive!

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the part.

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