What were my expectations of motherhood? First of all, I assumed a lot of things.  I assumed I’d find true love and marry at 29 at the latest, right after landing a series gig, and then I’d have a kid or two before the age of 35 and since I’d be busy filming, of course, I’d have a nanny.  Or something like that.  Of course, I was 18 when I dreamed that one up.

By the time I was sliding into 40, that ridiculous dream was gone and I’d settle for a successful IVF, a couple bucks left and a success story to tell.  And then life had other plans for me and I’d have another kind of story to tell.   No less compelling, just more complicated than I ever imagined.  I intellectually knew it would be hard – you know, I knew about the sleepless nights,  the crying, the diaper changes and all that. I’d already gone through that with my mother, sort of.   I did not think it about past the baby stage, I’m sure.  I was never one to just sit down and play with young kids beyond 10 minutes or so.  I had more of a show and tell adventure in mind.  I would show my kid the art gallery or take them to the movies or take them on a trip.  I would teach them how to read and how to tie their shoelaces.  Riding my bike with them or watching school plays.   But I’d be doing other things.  Like career related things.  Relaxing things.  Drinking the coffee and reading the paper kind of things.

Ahahahaha!  Yeah, I know, very funny.  Apparently, I had no clue about the toddler years. And the shifting hormonal sands that are now screwing with my head.  Not to mention our financial situation has drastically changed in the past year. Hubby is being very helpful with the kid lately, taking him out to the park when he gets home.  I can see he’s tired, too, it’s obvious.  I’m hoping that I can get to a place where I can take the kid for a day so he can sleep in on the weekend.  It feels like a competition around here about how tired we are.  If I tell him I had a nap/snooze while the kid watched Backyardigans, he almost looks pissed off.  I feel like a teenager, in a way, emotions churning, no communicating, afraid of not being taken seriously afraid to open my mouth.

I almost feel as if I ‘m somehow reliving that sullen dread that I grew up in.  Scary.

6 thoughts on “Overcast

  1. Ugh…I’m sorry about the shitty feelings you are going through.

    I can totally relate on the hormonal sands front though. I never thought I’d be sleeping in different beds at my age for half the week because some nights are just that “freaking hot” when the husband is in the bed with me. Nevermind the hot / cold attitude my emotions go through every hour.

  2. I’m sorry :(I totally understand how you feel. I get super tired too, and taking naps are frowned upon by my husband, also. Life is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I’ve been trying to reorient myself towards gratitude, but honestly, it’s a struggle.

  3. Ah, yes, those plans we all make when we’re young — life sure has a way of making us feel foolish sometimes, doesn’t it?

    I can remember friends of ours, parents of two little boys — he was going on a business trip & she was pissed off — not (entirely) because he was leaving her with the kids, but because he would get to SLEEP. The little boys are now young men and they all survived, if that helps. (((HUGS)))

  4. Ah, the “who is more tired game.” We play that one a LOT around here. The funny thing is I always end up doing more and he is somehow more tired.

    I also hate the looking pissed when you explain what you did during the day. Last year I was part time and home during my daughter’s (2-3) hour nap and it was GLORIOUS! And I could tell that my husband was jealous and pissed that I got that quiet time at home but I refused to feel guilty because I did so much more around the house. Still, it created this stress between us.

    Now I’m back full time and while I miss those quiet moments, I appreciate the equality it has brought to our relationship. No more jealous and anger. It has helped things between us a lot.

  5. I have no idea how I’d survive without nap times. On the days I can’t get one because Isaac misses his nap, or we’re in the car, or I have to get shit done during his nap, I am a complete basketcase by 7 pm. Luckily, Hubby encourages the nap taking, but I let him sleep in EVERY single weekend (both Saturday and Sunday) and he will sometimes sleep until 12 or 1 pm. So yeah, that helps with the guilt.
    Hoping the things ease up a bit between you and your husband. I hate the feeling of being at odds constantly – even the most smallest interactions seem to be tension inducing.

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