Archive | December 14, 2012

Keeping my head above water

If I had a nickel for every great post I wrote while still in bed….I have one in particular about adoption, but don’t have the brain space to put it all together quite yet.

The holidays are approaching (footsteps of seasonal dread in the background), the in-laws are coming to visit – which means I’ll not have a minute to myself and I’ll be put out of my comfy bed to sleep on a pullout downstairs.  NOT that I don’t simply adore them and appreciate them, but the older I get, the harder it is to be without my creature comforts.  Starting to feel that I’ve got a million things to do but not enough time and money feeling again.  To be optimistic though, I’ve been feeling a lot better than I have in months.  The flip side to the Precious being sick is that he’s been sleeping in, meaning I’m getting more rest.    DH has been getting up at 2am  (even though he gets up at 6) to give him his breathing treatments so I can sleep.  I’ve been taking my iron citrate pills which has given a boost to my energy levels and for once, I actually don’t feel exhausted when I wake up!  This has done wonders for my attitude and overall patience.

I haven’t seen mum since last week though I did talk to her doctor.  I could hear hear yelling in the background.  She was consulting with the mental health doctor about possibly giving her a powerful narcotic to settle her down, as opposed to another anti-psychotic drug or nothing.  They seem to think it’s a sign of her dementia progressing.   I gave her permission to try out the pain killer for a couple of weeks.  She’s been getting increasingly agitated and the last time I saw her, she was calm, but then started to get more and more upset and then she starts making whooping noises, etc.  The entire floor can hear her and their only method to calm her has been leaving her in her room staring out the window.  It cut our visit short as there was nothing I could do.  I tried to sing to her, I played music videos on my smartphone, I held her hand, etc.  I used to be able to calm her down and reassure her but nothing seems to work.  And of course, since I can’t fix it, well, visits with leave me feeling distressed and shaken.   I’m going to try music therapy next.  It was suggested to me by someone at the home, but for obvious reasons I’ve been procrastinating, busy, eating chocolate,  making photobooks for hours, trying to occupy the Precious every waking hour since he’s been sick at home.  I’m dreading Christmas Day already as this will be the first Christmas I won’t have her here with me.  It’s just too difficult and disruptive for everyone.    Sigh.  I’m trying very hard to not think about any of this at all til I absolutely have to.  Mmm, buy presents or see my therapist?

Moving is back on the agenda.  Pretending not to be stressed about that.  Watching DH seal all the windows, move the space heater up and down the stairs, the Precious’ respiratory issues all have made that choice inevitable.  This will be the last winter we spend here, that’s for sure.  Just have to make sure we don’t move from the frying pan into the fire though.  I reminded DH that we moved here not because it was the PERFECT place, because we wanted to buy our own place.  Of course, that was when we though our financial picture would be better than it currently is.   We love our area we live in, but then every piece of crap around here jumped about $1Million dollars in the past 3 years.  No, I’m not kidding.  Now that owning seems  a distant dream, we need to make sure we can actually enjoy our home.  Renovated homes (ie. not broken down old homes) currently rent for $3000 and up around here.  No, not kidding again.  So that means we’re leaving the hood.  I’m sure we’ll find something nice.  Home is where your heart is after all.  As long as we’re together, we’ll be fine.  Right?  Breathe.

Well, the Boo awaits, as well as the laundry, the dog, the shopping, paperwork,  and my neurosis.  Breathe.  Nam myo ho renge kyo.