Archive | March 5, 2013

Staying present

Thanks everyone for their encouragement and support and prayers for me.  It is like my own support team.  I am so lucky to have support in real life and url life.

This is going to be tough for me.  Staying present.  My tendency at the end of the day is to stuff my face with sweets and drink to replace unpleasant emotions.  The dull ache.  And for the last two solid weeks, that’s what I’ve been doing.  My mum’s room at the home has a picture of my younger sister and I with her.  I was plump as they say.  Pretty sure I’m on that road now, but I’m getting off.  As my husband reminded me, diabetes and high blood pressure runs in my family and they all got it later in life.  As in the part I’m approaching now.  Since I’m an actress, I’m going to pretend I eat better.

The sun was shining brightly on the North Shore on Sunday(after days of constant rain) and we went for a walk after a hearty restaurant breakfast (no, I did not order the heart healthy option).  We found a short trail five minutes from where we live, and I felt that feeling again.  The one I always feel when walking in the endowment lands.  Relief when the blood flowed through my aching stiff muscles, the promise that life is good because I could still breathe and move and walk.   Moving my body always helps to keep my present.  If only to remind me that everything friggin’ hurts – but in that good way.  Like when I land a left cross and I hear the satisfying smack in the sparring mitt.  I don’t have to think about anything but the next punch, the right position, the right defence, the right offence, and no one is pulling at me for anything.  It’s just me and my aching body, sore joints and the power of my punch. In the moment, not thinking six moves ahead, not thinking about what to make for dinner.   I can’t do that right now, though, I’ve got my younger sister here now and my older sister coming (for a 1 1/2 days….don’t get me started) and I have to plan a funeral.  And go to my mum’s storage (and I can’t find the damn keys to the locker cause I just moved, people.)

I whispered daimoku as I fell asleep last night, almost catatonic from the day’s efforts.  Mum is going back into the home because she doesn’t require the medical care that a hospice usually provides and yet I know the home cannot provide the level of care that I would like her to have.  So it looks like I’ll be hiring an additional care aide.  Sigh.  Cause after it’s all said and done and my sisters go home (and if mum is still around), then it’s back on me to keep an eye on her.  And then there’s my son, the dog and the rest of my life demanding my attention.  My only  mission to comfort her and keep a smile on my face until she decides to leave this earth.  Oh, yes, I will still try to create value when the sisters converge this week, but I’m holding fast to completing my final task as a daughter to my mum.