Archive | March 12, 2013

And now for something completely Buddhist

Just a reminder to myself really.  When I moved to the west side tothat tony island-like enclave up the hill, you see a lot of Lexus, Mercedes, Range Rovers and the ubiquitous BMW X5.  Something I never really put a lot of time thinking about until I was surrounded by them driving down the tree lined streets, renovated Craftsman style homes sprinkled here and there.  When we were chilly in our old, non insulated “cute” house and put up plastic on our thin “heritage” style windows, I would look out and imagine that we would buy in that overpriced part of town and I would wear Hunter boots one day as well.  I will miss the proximity to my beloved endowment lands where I could walk and forget about my troubles for a bit, I would remember the walks with my old dog and the old dreams I had when I walked through those patches of where all of a sudden you feel a pocket of warm and you can smell the earth.  I struggled and fought against the demands of SAHMhood, wife and dutiful daughter.  The part of me that never followed schedules and never adored the domestic part of life that other women seemed so at ease with.  The only tether to the ground I had was nam myo ho renge kyo and the promise, the prayer, the daimoku that I could indeed increase my capacity to handle whatever life’s hardships came my way and find happiness.  A measure of peace for a mind that chatters incessantly with doubts and fears and insecurities.  Despite all my grousing and bitching and wailing, I have enjoyed so much more than I have suffered.  Learning how to throw a punch made my big middle aged ass jiggle with joy.  There can be Buddhahood in anger, let me tell you.

So I will discover new paths on the North Shore.  I have friends to meet and friends to make.  Even squeezed in a visit from my Buddhist pals to welcome me to the new district.  They brought tulips for me and I made tea and we talked.  So  comforting.   I’ve found a short trail so far that takes us underneath the highway.  Juju of course is not crazy about it too much because a skatepark is nearby and she HATES skateboards.  It’s like her kryptonite.  There’s a lot of big box stores, but there’s also free parking which should save me a bundle.  I can’t leave my trash outside on the deck cause there’s bears to consider apparently, so that’s something new.  I huff and puff pushing a 35 lb boy in a stroller uphill so there’s my next project – get in shape so I don’t get passed over by a senior with walking poles.  There’s a Starbucks and an organic market within walking distance so that will help.  I’ve yet to find some great sushi (we are very picky) but I have found the holiest of grails in a nearby L.ondon Drugs, the drugstore, the convenience store with everything from chocolate to firelogs to computers. Mum is not too far, I can get downtown across the bridge in 15 minutes if the lights are with me.

I will eventually get everything unpacked and put away.

Yesterday, I made funeral plans for my mother.  It’s all good.  I can do this.

 

Faith enables us to receive the eternal joy derived from the Law. So let us
engrave in our hearts this point: We ourselves receive this joy. Because we
receive it ourselves, our happiness does not depend on others. No one else can
make us happy. Only by our own efforts can we become happy.
Therefore, there is no need to feel envious of others. There is no need to bear a grudge against someone or depend on another person for our happiness. Everything comes down to our state of life. It is within our power to take our lives in any direction we wish.

To be dragged around by other people or the environment is not the way
of life the Lotus Sutra teaches. True happiness is not feeling happiness one
moment and misery the next. Rather, overcoming the tendency to blame our
sufferings on others or on the environment enables us to greatly expand our
state of life.

—-Daisaku Ikeda

The respite is almost over

My eldest sister came for a day and a half with her eldest daughter.  I’m not sure why she thought that would be enough time to spend with her dying mother(don’t get me started), but for one moment, we had all of us around my mother’s bedside.  It was a nice moment, a Lavender Luz kind of perfect moment really and I actually wish we could have taken a photo.

It’s hard to believe actually that she’d supposedly on her last days.  She certainly didn’t seem like it last night.  My younger sister moved to a hotel close to my mum’s care home so she could spend all her time with her.  I came by later in the evening and we sat there playing old tapes and chatting with mum.  A lot of what she said was unintelligible but she was very alert and she grabbed my hand.  It seemed as if she was truly enjoying the company.  I didn’t stay long, it almost seemed as if I was encroaching on their time together.  I hurried home, picking up milk, eggs and takeout for hubby and I.  Boo was already in bed. I’ve missed a lot of bedtimes for him lately.

The other night, I had bit of a breakdown when I got home from having a bite with my sister.  My eldest sister and niece had already left early that morning and it was already dawning on me that my younger sister would soon be leaving.  And then I’d be all alone.  I mean, I know I’m not alone, but I mean, it’s all back on me.  Yes, of course DH is by my side, but you know what I mean?  It’s back to being on me when I know she may have a month left, maybe more, maybe less.  It just hit me.  Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself.  I just feel down on my knees with my head on the end of the bed and cried big ole’ fat tears for myself.  All I could think was I still have boxes in my living room, I still had to drive my child over the bridge to preschool and walk the dog and go grocery shopping and clean the house and go back to work and maybe audition again and oh, yeah, spend my free time visiting my dying mum.  As in, it’s back to business as usual except with a cruel twist. I’d be sure to get the how’s mum texts or phone calls to remind me that though I am a Gemini, I am actually not two people.  I can’t sit with her for six hours a day reminiscing about the past she remembers and playing music for her.

I’m not sure how I’m going to keep this up, but I suppose I’ve had 9 years of practice so I suppose this should be a snap.