The respite is almost over

My eldest sister came for a day and a half with her eldest daughter.  I’m not sure why she thought that would be enough time to spend with her dying mother(don’t get me started), but for one moment, we had all of us around my mother’s bedside.  It was a nice moment, a Lavender Luz kind of perfect moment really and I actually wish we could have taken a photo.

It’s hard to believe actually that she’d supposedly on her last days.  She certainly didn’t seem like it last night.  My younger sister moved to a hotel close to my mum’s care home so she could spend all her time with her.  I came by later in the evening and we sat there playing old tapes and chatting with mum.  A lot of what she said was unintelligible but she was very alert and she grabbed my hand.  It seemed as if she was truly enjoying the company.  I didn’t stay long, it almost seemed as if I was encroaching on their time together.  I hurried home, picking up milk, eggs and takeout for hubby and I.  Boo was already in bed. I’ve missed a lot of bedtimes for him lately.

The other night, I had bit of a breakdown when I got home from having a bite with my sister.  My eldest sister and niece had already left early that morning and it was already dawning on me that my younger sister would soon be leaving.  And then I’d be all alone.  I mean, I know I’m not alone, but I mean, it’s all back on me.  Yes, of course DH is by my side, but you know what I mean?  It’s back to being on me when I know she may have a month left, maybe more, maybe less.  It just hit me.  Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself.  I just feel down on my knees with my head on the end of the bed and cried big ole’ fat tears for myself.  All I could think was I still have boxes in my living room, I still had to drive my child over the bridge to preschool and walk the dog and go grocery shopping and clean the house and go back to work and maybe audition again and oh, yeah, spend my free time visiting my dying mum.  As in, it’s back to business as usual except with a cruel twist. I’d be sure to get the how’s mum texts or phone calls to remind me that though I am a Gemini, I am actually not two people.  I can’t sit with her for six hours a day reminiscing about the past she remembers and playing music for her.

I’m not sure how I’m going to keep this up, but I suppose I’ve had 9 years of practice so I suppose this should be a snap.


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