A rock and a hard place

So dad is arriving next Monday.  Ostensibly with the intention to see my mother.  He has been actively discouraged from doing so as he cannot really afford to come and stay here.  Oh, no he’s not staying here, nope, not going to happen.  And I cannot afford to pay for his hotel stay.  My husband predictably went into guard dog mode, with a dash of transference, and went to defcon 4.  He cannot figure out why I haven’t called him to tell him off and do not dare show up.  Well, I had hoped he was just making noise and we not show up, but my sister told me he made travel plans.

I haven’t seen him in a decade.  And the last time I spoke to him he chastized me for not inviting him to my wedding.  I did point out to him that he had not informed me of his own marriage #2 and #3.  Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions with people you actually love or at least like.  He was not paying for my wedding, I did not want him walking me down the aisle and that was that.  I chose a man who had my best interests at heart.  So that’s how that went down.

Family drums being what they are, I’ve been informed of the major goings on with him and stuff over the years.  My sister did live in Atlanta for years so she had far more contact with him than I did.  Most of it was difficult for her and I know why.

Now at a time I feel most fragile, my father has called me.  I told my husband that I had to what was best for me, not for him.  He’s right in assuming I would just go into the land of denial and just be polite and hold my tongue.  However, I now understand what my mission is here.  I don’t want to be at odds with the Buddhist beliefs, and I don’t want to be at odds with my true self either.  How to create value while not throwing up in my mouth, mmmm, let’s see.

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13 thoughts on “A rock and a hard place

  1. Nodding my head. Yes. I am there too with my own mother in a way. I’m here thinking of you and waiting to be a shoulder should you need one. Hopefully you can find that equanimity for you to safeguard your own heart. Xoxo. I love you friend.

  2. Stay strong… the good thing about a visit is that there’s a time limit on it. We can all survive pretty much anything for a short period of time. Good luck…

  3. You are a better woman than I am. When I was getting married my (much) older brother decided that our father needed to be invited….to MY wedding. I hadn’t seen my father in about 15 years and no way did I want that reunion to happen…especially on my wedding day. I stuck to my guns and told my brother that if he mentioned my wedding to our father, neither of them would be let into the church. I have never regretted standing up for myself.
    (I have been trying to comment for quite some time but wordpress wouldnt let me. I am thinking about you though, even when you don’t hear from me here)

  4. I’m with Catwoman, above… it’s (probably? somewhat??) bearable if you can keep in mind that it’s only for a limited time — there’s an end in sight. 😉 Good luck!!

  5. this is your challenge. I totally get “at odds with our Buddhist beliefs and not throwing up in my mouth bit” I struggle with this everyday (My mom is staying with me since february. There is a big post about that coming up soon). You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

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