I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions last year. Not sure why (yes I do), but the best I could come up with was a better attitude. That was harder to accomplish than I thought, but I think I did alright considering the middle aged rage I was stewing in. Last year I managed to eat through rage and anxiety but the result was not good for my overall health. I’m about as unhealthy as I’ve ever been. I was also trying to insulate myself to a certain extent. DH and I just fell into a rut and stayed there.
We moved last year at the precise moment my mother almost died. It was a little like swimming underwater. Muted sounds, holding my breath, my whole being switched into captain of the ship mode. I stand guard, I take care, I manage my family’s emotions as best as I could. DH became my dutiful lieutenant, my fierce watchdog. In times of need, he’s no better partner. Navigating his rage around my father’s visit was a bit tough, but we worked it out. I had to admit to myself that I didn’t really mind the idea of her dying because I had been watching her lose herself for years and I would have been released from that brutal watch. And then she didn’t. Her present state is not too bad, and I am grateful, amazed at her fighting spirit. I tightened the buckles on my guardian suit again. Back to my post. She continues to surprise me.
Boo started a new preschool and I scanned a new crop of mothers looking for a new acquaintance or two for both him and me. Everyone seems so busy juggling their preschoolers and older children. No one hangs at the playground after school. I felt unmoored in a sense, I hate starting over. Trying hard to adapt to a new environment. Away from my beloved endowment lands and flat tree-lined streets, familiar stores of the bourgeois enclave. Here in this suburb (yes, it’s a little grating on me), it’s nice, clean, beautiful mountain views. You can’t take the garbage out til the morning of pick up because of the bears and everyone has a bear in the backyard story. Our home is nicer, WARMER, OHMIGOSH SO MUCH WARMER! The heating is more efficient and less expensive because the windows are from the 70’s, not the 1930’s and we’re sharing the utilities with our downstairs neighbour. Hubby threw up a curtain inside the front door because the doorway (the frame needs replacing) lets in a draft but so far no talk of plastic on the windows. Ha! Everything is on one level, so no rickety steep stairs to do laundry. No yucky basement smell on hubby’s clothes or our towels to worry about it. No more Titanic like boiler going off to roast my in-laws. Not our own home still, the one I’ve yearned for since Boo came into our lives, but I hope we don’t have to move for a long time. Please. Unless it’s into our very own.
I have my Buddhist district. It’s like instant family, really, some familiar faces, some new, always a relief to go to a meeting. Always buoyed by encouragement, positivity, new goals a purpose to fulfill.
May this year bring more travel – including Disneyland and a trip to Toronto and somewhere else. Oh, yes, and I’d like a new car please. And a smaller ass.
Next post will be password protected because it’s about Boo’s birthmother so if you need the password, let me know and if you are a secret reader, please introduce yourself and please bring a low-cal dessert. And wine.