The crucial moment

Did I tell you I get yet another gig – bringing the total for March to 4 count’em 4 gigs?!  I filmed one day last week on a movie of the week for a “Christian lite” network.  I worked on one of their movies last August.  It was a nurse role, but I had a name at least.  And the star was super sweet and wonderful to work with.  The moods on sets  these days are great.  Everyone is just so happy to be working.   I’m happy to be working and it makes me feel purposeful and appreciated.   It was just last summer when the industry was having town hall meetings practically begging the public to take notice that our industry was being decimated and that long time union members could not even pay their mortgages.  And now with all the best crews being snapped up,  I’m working on sets with kids fresh out of film school or are actively being taught how to do their jobs.  Also, some budgets are lower than others which leads to people getting a little stressed out cause they’re trying to churn out a movie with time, resource and monetary constraints.  I asked this props guy to bring me some wrapping paper that didn’t make any noise so I could wrap some items up in the scene.  He brought me a few sheets of tissue paper.  15 minutes later, the sound guys were asking me to wrap as “quietly” as I could.    I knew that was going to happen because I was miked(sp?) and so any rustling near my mic was going to drive them nuts.  He also  had to be reminded not to use local newspapers as set decoration, a no-no, in case brand names or city specific headlines get caught in a shot.  Oh, well, you gotta learn through trial and error, I guess.  I wish I had seen him later to thank him for his efforts.  I had a great time and really enjoyed my time there.

I also had a chat with my agent about another gig – one that I am not available for the outside shoot dates as I am gong to Toronto next week.  I’m not going to tell you how many times I’ve been close to getting a gig when I have travel plans.  It’s uncanny.  Hubby was all over me about that one cause these days, he’s quite anxious about money.  Seems as if things are about to go downhill again as the companies he consults for are going to be bought out.  This is great news if we actually had significant shares with them.  But we don’t, so that means our income is about to drop drastically.  Of course, since he’s the breadwinner he’s always concerned about money and to say he’s been stressed is putting it mildly.  He comes home with a dark cloud hanging over him and it breaks my heart.   I’ve been trying to be supportive and encouraging, but finally I had a breakdown and had to let him know how neglected and isolated I was feeling with him.  I can’t even have a decent conversation with him, he’s either staring at some TV show or devoting all his attention to the kid.

It did not go the way I had hoped as he takes such relationship talks as criticisms and then all of a sudden I’m getting blamed for this and that.   And so, long story short, I took to the internet to dump all my feelings cause he certainly wasn’t listening.  I started a whole new anonymous blog and dumped some words on a page, all the  while wondering what kind of cause I was making by doing this.  Where was I heading with all this?  I was seeking commiseration, validation, a place to vent my frustration and anger without interruption.  Honestly, why on earth did I stop going to a therapist?  Oh, yeah, money.   Neither one of us has much time for ourselves, but we both spend a fair amount of our downtime tuning out and before you know it, it’s lights out. I’ve lost count of the times he’s actually walked out of the room or turned his attention to our son in the middle of my sentence. And when I try to tell him that, well, I’m just being peevish or demanding.

I was so exhausted that I never finished my rant post anyway and never hit publish.  When I woke up, he was already up with the kid and I decided that instead of my usual icy silence, I would try to be civil. When I got out of the shower, I found a cup of coffee on my dresser.  Mmm, that hadn’t happened in a while.  I called out to thank him.  He came to me, full of emotion to tell me that he was really worried about our future and he will make efforts to pay more attention to me.

Now this man I can deal with.  Open and vulnerable.  I actually didn’t have all that much to say anymore because he was actually present for me.  We had a few minutes to talk before Boo figured out something was going on without him and came down the hallway.

I’m finding that the past few months of Buddhist study is becoming more and more crucial in my life when encountering life’s obstacles. I really hope I can find the wisdom in all of this.  I won’t lie, I’ve about had it with life seemingly going one step forward and 2 steps back for us.  I have a sneaky feeling that we’re about to be tested and I want to be strong enough to deal with it.



6 thoughts on “The crucial moment

  1. The best I can say is keep at it…keep at working when you can, keep at communicating with your husband, keep at trying to find time for yourself, and keep at changing your reactions to your husband.

    Marriage, long term marriage with children is HARD. SO, SO, SO hard. Listening, patience, compassion, compromise, negotiation, laughter, love, good moods and bad.

    Keep at it.

  2. Congrats on all the gigs! 🙂

    Marriage really is the toughest gig of all, isn’t it? It’s hard work, and it’s 24/7. It really is amazing how people respond when we decide to be the bigger person and treat others with compassion, even when they are being…. Well… Assholes. I, too, have started using this approach with my husband, and we are in a pretty good place these days. Keep it up! It seems to work!

  3. Congratulations on the gigs!

    I love your practice of Buddhist compassion, and the lovely moment of vulnerability. I’m glad that you and your husband got to connect, however briefly … and hope that the moments of connection help you to gain strength for the uncertain future ahead.

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