50 years old and still infertile…. go figure.

With Resolve’s National Infertility Awareness fresh in my mind (well, it was last week), I want to share something with you.  Though those days of infertility anxiety slapping me in the face every five minutes are long gone, I had a rather uncomfortable moment on an outing with my son.  Instead of going to the local “farm” (really, it’s more of a petting zoo) with his preschool, 2 other moms and I decided to go rogue and go to Science World instead.  We were sitting on a bench while the kids played and talking about house prices and such.  This is what all Vancouverites do by the way.  Hi, I’m Sally, do you rent or own?  We bonded over the fact that we all rented (oooh, dirty secrets) and I laughed and said I had spent so much on adoption fees and infertility treatments that my down payment was gone.  It is something that I actually do find rather amusing cause I was actually saving all that money to buy a home when I got pregnant.  In hindsight, it was probably not a great time to reveal that (one woman knew and had shown great sensitivity and discretion) and then other woman said, “Oh, I wish I had known you before….” and proceeded to tell me about a gem she had given to a friend who was struggling with infertility and bam, she had gotten pregnant and you know, it’s so much about just relaxing.   I actually retreated in my mind to my happy place to prevent myself from reading her the riot act. Oh, god, yes, all I was needed was a fertility stone, that would have done the trick, what the hell was I thinking, oh, please time machine go back so this educated medical professional could give me a magic gem to get me pregnant. Why on earth did I think that fertility treatments, acupuncture, losing weight, drinking Chinese herbal medicine, holding babies, chanting for 21 hours and adopting would get me pregnant!  WHY???   So I mentioned I had fibroids and then there was my age, I’m 50 now, you know.  That always blows them away.   I managed to change the subject quickly.  To adoption, and I moved through that one in record speed.  His birthmother, yes, we’re in touch, oh her story? Not my story to tell.  Next!  The good thing about going out with a couple of moms and their kids is that you rarely have that much time to finish a conversation.  It’s always, does anyone have to go pee, where is so and so, where did he go?  In fact, we all managed to misplace our preschoolers and had to divide up to find them. 

Every now and then I forget who I’m talking to.  You know people who have actually given birth to their own children without any major obstacles. While they may think being constantly nauseous throughout their pregnancy was a big deal, and I’m sure it’s perfectly dreadful, they did manage to squeak out a couple of kids and it’s NOT THE SAME THING.  Women like to trade stories in order to bond, this is what we do, but sometimes even now, I get a little slap in the face that I am and will always be infertile.


8 thoughts on “50 years old and still infertile…. go figure.

  1. Yes, didn’t you hear? That gemstone is putting the entire ART industry out of business! I wish I’d known sooner, too, and wish I’d known this wise woman before we spent sixty thousand dollars…

    People can be so incredibly insensitive and just plain dumb!

  2. I know that feeling. I got shanghaied by it the other day at the zoo. There was a woman with kids… Like for five of them all with the stairstep ages you know 14, 12,10,6,4. It didn’t help that she looked very together and their kids were well-dressed and you know it was all very upper middle-class you know? I felt such a stab of envy in that moment and I had to check myself. And then actively tried to be grateful again for what I have. But yes definitely still infertile. Every month I have that what if moment and it takes my husband looking at me and saying remember your infertile? Of course I remember but I still have irrational hopes –not even that I want to be pregnant again.

  3. Yeah – I know what you mean about the slap in the face. I’ve rarely had a discussion about infertility without it, and I consider myself an old hand at this point.

  4. Seriously! I’ve struggled with “coming out” for this reason specifically – that nobody really gets it unless they or someone close to them has been through it. That glassy eyed look of no longer listening or the fervent “this will work for you” is too much. Thanks for posting! I’m also glad you posted about your age – I’m on hiatus right now, no longer TTC, no longer doing treatments, thinking I have time to pursue adoption should I choose, and I’m sick of people telling me I need to do it now.

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