When I got back from Toronto, it was pretty quiet here. Show business wise. I went in to pick up a cheque and my agent told me I hadn’t missed anything. Mmmm. Then silence the following week. There were tons of time I would cringe when she called cause it meant I had to rearrange my schedule for a little audition that went nowhere and now I was miserable cause I didn’t hear from her at all. Life as a stay at home mum resumed. I was crabby. Okay, more than crabby. I think the world glum would apply. I kept trying to remember that nothing is permanent, things change from moment to moment all the time. But it was sooo quiet. I had so enjoyed being so busy doing what I loved and now I couldn’t deny that what I was feeling was more like…being trapped. Bored. No more visits with old friends, no more subway rides, no sleeping in. I tell you I was than a bit nervous travelling with a 4 year old, but when you don’t have to cook, clean or do laundry, life is pretty sweet with a 4 year old. He was up for every adventure and I enjoyed our time at Ripley’s Aquarium. Not only was I enjoying spending time with people with whom I had shared history with, but I was also away from hubby’s dark mood (about work). One week’s vacation felt like freedom.
When I was working (even just for those few days), I was out in the world, I could come home and hear about Boo’s day, peek in at him sleeping and even miss him a bit. I was doing something that I was acknowledged as being good at and valued for…. and I was paid for it. Even being tired cause I was working til 4 am was satisfying in a way.
Why do I feel so guilty about that? Does it mean I hate being a mother? Mmm, no, I think it’s the actual stay at home part. You know, the stay at home things that regular folk manage to do without whinging like cooking, cleaning, wrangling with the kid about what shoes to put on and what food they will eat, and laundry and making meals, etc. I’ve tried to be all zen about it, but it doesn’t always work. Last week, I just wanted to go on strike. I wanted to lay in bed all day and do absolutely NOTHING. That never happened of course but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t fervently wishing for it every second of the day. I felt so low. I even freaked myself out.
And then I got sick yesterday. Just a cold, but I felt terrible. We still managed to walk the dog quickly and I took Boo to a playdate. I had to finally pull him away from all his fun, cause I was feeling worse and by the time we got home, I crashed for an hour. Boo brought me his blankie and Spiderman and he managed to stay alive til I woke up. He told me he took a nap,too. I stayed in bed. HEAVEN! It’s a pity I felt so crappy, I would have enjoyed it more. I should have spent the WHOLE day in bed in retrospect. Luckily hubby arrived and made dinner, etc.
I wonder if I manifested this cold just so I could take a nap and not be judged for it. As luck would have it, I did end up having a small gig for additional dialogue recording (which lasted all of five minutes) but hey, a paycheque is a paycheque.