Crazy birthday lady

So in 45 minutes, it will be my birthday. My 51st birthday!    Ta da!  I’m not in Mexico, I’m home.  I don’t have anything special planned really. I didn’t even tell Boo what tomorrow was. Hubby is on a course for the next couple of weeks.  He will be super busy in class all day and still trying to catch up on work and homework, etc.  Another career change is looming.  It’s nice to see him excited about it and I’m hoping the second half of the year will be better than the first half.  Both of us had hoped our middle years wouldn’t be as “interesting” as they have been. 

I’ve been so emotional lately.  Part of it no doubt to my wonderfully fluctuating hormone levels:  I’m still getting my period, scant, but apparent.  My PMS is BRUTAL I used to get a bit out of sorts about a week before my period and now I’m just plain crazy for 2 solid weeks.  I think I’m going to start a chart just to keep track of symptoms.   Anxiety attacks come and go, I’m super irritable, I crave salty and sweet like a madwoman and there is just no OFF button to the chattering monkeys in my head.  Luckily, chanting always works or I’d be in psych ward by now. 

When I don’t get to walk the dog and listen to music or a Buddhist podcast or something, I feel like a penned up animal.  I’m good when I can get Boo out for a playdate or just chatting with another adult so I can just stop feeling like my kid’s handmaiden.  When time allows, I go see my mum, usually with Boo, but last week, a friend took Boo for a play date and instead of going to visit her, I spent 2 solid hours trying to construct a custom photobook for Father’s Day.  And once when Boo was not with me, I went to see my mum and took her out to Starbucks and just sat with her having tea on the patio on a sunny day.  It was nice.  But hard, too, you know?  I chat with her as best as I can, but often I feel guilty cause I just want to be able to have a normal conversation with her but that is not possible and hasn’t been in a decade.  And then I feel ungrateful and selfish and I miss the days when I could go shopping with her and she could at least…..sometimes I just wish I had my old mum back. 

Boo is actually awesome.  4 is a good age.  He still believes in Santa but other than that, he  think he knows everything.  Even his letters.  Which he doesn’t.  He is quite the bugger lately with his dear mum, all oppositional for the sake of being oppositional.  And then he flips and he’s funny and charming and loving and helpful.  And then he flips again and he’s raging about something, not getting his way or dragging his heels  as slow as molasses through every request (order) I make.  We’re late for most things unless he’s motivated to go.  He’s thrilled to hang out with kids his age and I do my best to keep his active self moving.  We forgive each other a lot these days. 

I’m fighting to stay present and in the moment.  It’s a battle I lose a lot, but I keep trying.    Both Juju and I are fat.  I got on my mother in law’s scale on the weekend.  OMIGOD.  It wasn’t a surprise.  I’d been eating my way up there for months despite knowing I shouldn’t.  I just wouldn’t, couldn’t stop. I eat my emotions so as long as I can get a bag of licorice or chips, I’m all calm.   Caught myself on a show I was on recently the other day.  Mmmm.  No wonder they call me for the full figured character roles.  And though I still look super cute, I just don’t feel healthy and the day I had to chase my dog (cause she heard a skateboard) I felt like I was running with a fridge on my back.  Except I was the fridge, if you know what I mean.  So I’m on a diet.  Except for the candy I just ate.  Besides, that, I’m on a diet.  I started walking the dog on a more challenging walk when Boo is in preschool.  There are some seriously in shape seniors and middle aged people around here.  These people don’t fool around here. 

DH says we should get back into shape, the both of us.  I agreed. (Though all he has to do is mind what he eats for a week and he’s down 10 lbs. Hate him.)   He thinks we should do the PX90 or whatever it’s called.  I said sure.  Ahem, I don’t think he read the warning yet. I can’t even do 10 proper pushups! And who has 90 minutes to work out?  I don’t.  I live my life in 2 hour increments and that’s about to cease, preschool is done this week.  But instead of cramming my free time with errands, I’m going to start putting myself  on the priority list.  I have been known to walk the dog, do grocery shopping, grab a coffee and BAKE A MOTHERFUCKING CAKE in 2 hours! 

Hey, no one told me about preschool graduation ceremonies!  WTF?  Okay, it was cute.  Boo had a paper grad cap and everyone took pictures of their kid, but really.  He grudgingly shared a piece of cake with me.  Okay, okay, I got a little misty eyed, but seriously, my friend’s kid goes to a private preschool and they rented a room in a hotel and the kids had real gowns and caps and a BRUNCH! 

It’s late, I gotta go to bed.  Oh, look, it’s after midnight. Happy Birthday to me!   Would it be cheating if I had a DQ Blizzard on my birthday? 

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