Holding it together

Nothing like a dream where I’m in a movie hanging out in extras holding and suddenly I can’t find my sides (it has the scene schedule and dialogue) and then when I do find them, I’m not in anything all day and I can’t find my travel mug and then all of a sudden I can’t find my way out.  I’m being penned in with equipment and people keep telling me I can’t get out whatever door I try to use.  It’s not the first time I’ve had a dream like that but it never fails to freak me out.  It feels like my identity is being wiped out.

I went to the naturopath last week.  I had drag Boo along cause I didn’t have anyone to mind him for me, but he was great as usual.  He stayed in waiting room occupying himself with his tablet while I talked to the doctor. We talked for an hour going over my concerns and first up is hormonal testing.  Just the thing I was laughing at my friend about last year.  I’m not even going to tell you how much that costs, but I’m in for a penny what’s another 10 pounds, right?  She gave me a discount though and also let me pay in installments for the test.  Now I just gotta wait til Day 19 of my cycle for the spit collecting to start.  Luckily it’s just for one day.  Just listening to the instructions stressed me out. Oh yeah and a food diary starting today.  So last night I ate ice cream and sweet/salty popcorn.  Good news is that I can have full fat Greek yogurt.  Plain.  With raw honey and fruit if I like.  Baby steps.  Oh yeah and B complex.  I can do that.  Easy peasy.

The next day I got a playdate with Boo’s friend and I took them to a nearby waterpark.  Of course, there was a festival going on and that mean limited parking.  I had to drive around and around looking for parking.  Not so easy when you’re driving a F150  that I couldn’t parallel park with cars waiting behind me and I felt myself getting more and more stressed, but finally a diagonal parking spot opened up and I slid in.  I almost cried with relief.  Yes, I’m grateful we even have wheels at all but I will be thrilled to get something more manageable.  I ran into my naturopath at the waterpark!  I know she is a fellow adoptive mum but I didn’t get a chance to ask her about her experience as I was set up in a mini shelter on the lawn (with my purse ensconced inside and had to get back to it.  That’s what I told myself anyways, but in truth I was battling a lovely  anxiety attack and had to get back to my deep breathing and chanting.  I hope I didn’t act like a rude idiot.  She looked so pretty and so put together and here I was trying to simultaneously relax and keep an eye out for the kids without actually hovering over them.  I couldn’t possibly have a  decent conversation with her while keeping an eye out for them, my stuff and deep breathe at the same time.  Her child was gorgeous and he looked happy and engaged with other kids so I slipped away.  Back to deep breathing and calming down and keeping them in my line of vision.  I’m not sure how they did it in the old days. Oh, that’s right, Valium.

The boys had a blast and I managed to feed them, toilet them and bundle them all back in the truck and get them home.   I knew I just had to stop doing any more stuff though.  Hubby called me and wanted to know what was for dinner.  I told them it was up to him as I was not cooking.  I got home just after he did and he proceeded to tell me to order sushi and he would pick it up.  Frankly, at that point, I wasn’t even going to do that.  I was done and was hot and tired and wanted to take a shower and grab a beer.  So I just told him he had to order. To which he replied that he didn’t know what I wanted.  Now folks, we usually order the same thing about 98% of the time.  I certainly know what he likes, he has heard me order it a million times.  Ohmigod.  Yet I told him what I wanted and then got in the shower.  I’m not sure why he has this thing about not ordering food, but he rarely calls in a takeout order unless absolutely necessary.

By the way, I had just seen a segment on Dr. Oz about saying no to people.  What a great reminder.  Practice makes perfect.






One thought on “Holding it together

  1. Thanks for your recent comments on my blog. It helps to know that we are definitely not alone in this type of process.

    ….and ugh, I feel you on the changing eating/drinking front. I swear, all of the sudden everything is going south (literally). Even though I know for a solid fact that making some changes will result in an nice easing of symptoms, it’s so hard!

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