The beginning and ending of things

 I read my last post and I wonder what the hell was my point.  I went from sharing a nightmare to my anxiety attack on a great day with my son at a park and then to being annoyed that my husband doesn’t know what I order from a sushi joint.  All over the place, but anyone who knows me knows I talk like that anyway.  This is what my life looks like these days.  When I titled my blog, I’m not sure I realized then how appropriate it would be for the years ahead.  It started out to be about the indignities of infertility, then my foray into adoption and then motherhood with a dash of infertility (cause that shit really doesn’t go away).  Occasionally, I felt balanced and grateful and threw in a dash of Buddhism and now…. a Woman My Age is about…. a woman my age.  I have an amazing 4 year old son on the cusp of kindergarten (please teachers’ strike be over very soon), my career is improving and I’m battling depression and anxiety.  Oh yeah and peri-menopause.  What an amazing opportunity to transform my life!  I hope I actually do!

Someone asked me what a mid life crisis was and I tried to explain it.  I tend to think of it was an extreme peak that begins and ends in a certain amount of time.  It’s like waking up and thinking ohmigod what have I done with my life, this is the shits and if I don’t run away, I’ll explode. And then you get over it somehow.  Somehow as in you have an affair, get a divorce or give up all your shit and eat, pray, love yourself for a year until you run out of money.

How this is different from perimenopause I have no idea.  If anyone would care to share, now would be the time to do it. It certainly seems that one minute I was perfectly happy and content and now I’m searching for scraps of joy throughout the week to keep moving forward. Some days I have it, some days I fake it, and some days I’d rather just stay in bed.  Of course, I don’t, but I have fantasized about it.  Hormones, the evil tendrils of depression or both?  Or maybe I’m just recognizing my own limitations?

 However, with my career doing much better these days, I am booking a sitter as often as I need during the day.  I am back in class and it feels great to be working out my creative chops again.   My son is 4 and is a lot less demanding than he used to be (of course, that’s relative) and he is always up for a new adventure. Of course, this is all temporary, as time and money is running out, hubby’s job is going to be done by the end of October and after that, we have no idea of where the money is coming from. 

Which brings me back to a woman my age. Both the person and the blog.  I may have to put the blog and my beloved ALI world on hold while I get my shit together.  To try something new.  It’s been my security blanket for so long, a thing I just can’t manage to quit, but perhaps I should try not escaping into your worlds, but deal with my own world. I may not be strong enough to support others at the moment.  It’s like someone saying there is no more wine left.  Scary.  And the woman that is me, is not doing so well right now.  I mean on the surface, I’m great, but the anxiety is slipping through and I need to chart a path of self care. As my husband pointed out I go through this every 4 years or so and why is that?  I don’t fucking know but I’m sure that I don’t have money to give a therapist for 2 years to find that out.    I have this amazing fucking kid that I love so much it hurts.  I can’t possibly give him anything less than a whole, healthy woman to be there for him.  I still have my mum to care for and the days slip by without me being there for her because I’m too fucking exhausted.  And yes, I owe it to myself.  In Buddhism to slander (to put down, to not respect) yourself is the greatest wrong you can do.  And if that’s my biggest problem, then I’ve had it my whole life in one way or another. 




11 thoughts on “The beginning and ending of things

  1. I would miss reading your words, of course. Miss you. I know how frightening those tendrils of depression can be … Self care is important. I stopped blogging as much and did take some time to nurture a few friendships here… But I still consider you among the most important friendships of my life even if it’s just been online. Know that I am here should you ever return to your space and that I of all people understand what it’s like to go back and forth as to what to do with your blog.

    Oh my God but I will miss you.

    I get it though. I still have your address. This will force me to write you. Real, live, letter.

  2. I think the beauty of this community is that if you are understood and accepted if feel you “may not be strong enough to support others at the moment.” Because you’ve already paid it forward, And so you can take the time you need, and look after yourself. I mean, how can you help others if you’re in need of self-care first? Peri-menopause is a big issue we all face at some time in our life, whatever the result of our IF journeys. It isn’t easy, and along with the raging (or plummeting) hormones it brings a lot of other issues too. I know. And I wish you luck.

      • Great analogy! I too will miss you if you stop writing here — but I understand. Midlife isn’t an easy time (for men OR women), and you are definitely in the middle of the sandwich here with your son & your mom. Big (((HUGS))) & if you do pick up the pen/computer again, I will be here to read. 🙂

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