I cheated last week and ate a small amount of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream and a bunch of candy. Only did one spin class. Lost half a pound. Go figure. My body was probably thinking okay bitch, that’s more like it, thought you were trying to starve us. I wonder what would happen if I ate the whole container. Just kidding. Still staying the course.
I had a dentist appointment…at long last. Since Boo has started kindergarten, I have officially started taking care of myself again. I had to have two fillings and a little buffing work to be done on my 2 front teeth. I asked for an Ativan. I was such a mess. I hate going to the dentist with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I hate the whole thing, the tools in my mouth (don’t even go there), the noise of the drill, the suction, everything. I turn into such a baby. Past trauma no doubt. I still have some work to do but this time, I’ll take the bus and they can give me TWO Ativans. I just need a little bonding done on my front two teeth to improve their appearance. I’d prefer to have veneers or something but it’s too expensive for me right now. Yes, vanity drove me into the dentist office.
Got the results of my ultrasound sent to me. Very short report. Normal. Multiple calcified fibroids. (Years ago I had uterine embolization to stem heavy flow and pressure on my bladder.)They measured the big one. The end.
I walked around feeling unsettled, thrown off. I started talking about it to my husband and suddenly it was Throwback Thursday and I was just aggravated and sitting in the RE’s office talking about my fibroids and the bumpy environment in my uterus and then the gynecologist’s office and no one really giving me hope that surgery could help me get pregnant and I didn’t know what to do but I didn’t want a hysterectomy…and all the anxiety and pain of infertility and medical procedures came flooding back. The memory of helplessness and being pissed off and bitter and not feeling in control AT ALL ABOUT ANYTHING came sneaking back. I had to ask my husband if he remembered the conversations the same way as I did because really I have mostly “forgotten” them. I started envisioning a conversation with the specialist. A woman my age doesn’t really need a uterus and if I’m uncomfortable I can just remove the whole damn thing or be uncomfortable until menopause and then the doctors can give you a prescription for that. That I will look like the idiot who should have had surgery before cause I’m back complaining again about something that has no treatment and for this I will wait weeks for an appointment and sit in the office for 90 minutes past my time to be delivered the news in 3 minutes. Or I can suck it up and do nothing cause really, I’m not sick. That is good news, not bad. It took me 20 minutes but I got over it. All of that noise over a few typed lines about my less than perfect uterus. Didn’t see that coming.
I shut down the valve that let out my steam. My husband says he would never give up the son he has now for a chance to go back and start again. I crawl off the ledge of anxiety and am back on solid ground. I am reminded of the treasure that is my Boo. A gift I would never return in a million years. Thanks for the ride, infertility, **@!! you.
There’s nothing like being gluten free, dairy free and not losing a single pound. I drank lots of water. I went to spin class twice in a week and also walked the dog for kilometres and didn’t lose one pound. I have even cut my coffee intake by about 50%. If I take my supplements too close to a meal, I get incredibly nauseous and bloated so badly I can’t even walk…so I can only take them before I go to bed now. To celebrate nothing changing, I ate a Lindt chocolate bar with caramel. Everyone else I hear that goes gluten free loses 15 pounds and feels like a million bucks. True, I have not kicked the sugar habit in the slightest but even when I was on Weight Watchers, I never went sugar free and I still lost weight. So I figure my calorie intake is the issue and since my naturopath suggests I never go 3 hours without eating, this could be my problem. I distinctly remember the hungry and grumbly feeling in my tummy by 8pm and that’s how I lost weight before. I went to bed early a lot.
I’m discouraged and want to eat chips. Now I have the cold my son and husband have been so gracious to share with me. Oh, and according to an ultrasound I had last week, my fibroids are back. I don’t know to what extent yet as my doctor’s office hasn’t joined the modern age and can’t scan it and email me the results so I will wait for the snail mail. I take it that it’s not so dire to merit a return visit to my GP. I still have to be referred to a gynecologist to go over my options. My resolve is being tested, I see. I want to move forward and make changes, but my body keeps slowing me down. What’s up with that?
For the first time in a long time, we did not see the in-laws for Thanksgiving (it was the Canadian Thanksgiving today and it was a long weekend). The in-laws dog had torn a muscle and was on restricted activity so our active kid and dog would not have made a great combination for her and it was decided to forgo the usual visit over the long weekend. MIL will be making a short visit mid week though. We were invited to friends of friends for a lovely Thanksgiving and it was great being able to hang with friends for Thanksgiving. Nothing tastes better than a meal I don’t have to cook, folks. It was the most I had to drink a while (surprise, surprise) and it was also a gluten free event. Wow, we’re so precious here on the Left Coast. All in all, it was lovely and the sun was actually shining in the late afternoon.
On the gluten free, dairy free, sugar free diet I’m supposed to be on….well, err, not so bad. I do feel much better overall. Not sure if it’s the supplements or the diet. It’s an epic fail on the sugar free part, though. Hi, I’m Deathstar and I’m a sugar addict. And so my weight has not budged a bloody inch. I’m about 70% gluten free and 99% dairy free and I’m pissed that I apparently refuse to give up sugar. So frustrating.
And I got a little blue, I have to admit. I always do a bit around the holidays cause I miss my mum being there. Our house is not wheelchair accessible and so she hasn’t come over since we moved here. I went to see her on Sunday and brought her out to a nearby Starbucks and I fed her pumpkin pie and she sang. Oddly, she didn’t remember that I was married and I had indeed invited her to my wedding. In fact, she sang “At Last”. She doesn’t usually forget old things. My friend came down to sit with us and that made it easier somehow, like I had a sister there with me, sharing that time. It’s increasingly hard to go and see her and of course, leave.
We are expecting rain all this week, so I’m reminding myself to move forward, begin again, appreciate all that I have, and….. eat less sugar.
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So I’m feeling much better these days. I’ve been battling depression for quite some time and by August, I was having anxiety attacks and just about everything little thing overwhelmed me. My body felt like a train had hit it. And then my dear uncle in England died suddenly and a week later, I was there attending his funeral. I cried more times that week than I have in over 2 years. I threw a rose down on his coffin and said goodbye on behalf of my mother. The day before I left, I was walking around Leicester Square area, on my way to see “War Horse” and I felt a part of me return and drop into place. Call it gratitude, appreciation for the life that I do have call it a fucking break, but whatever it was, I’ll take it. And then kindergarten finally started. (The teachers here were on strike and so school was delayed.) I’m putting taking care of myself back on the calendar.