Hello insecurities, there you are!

Okay, I’m done with FB.  I gotta find something else to do at night.  I was feeling bummed at not getting acting work and then I read about actors I know getting work – actually posting a clip on Facebook, agents announcing clients’ bookings and actors posting about getting a callback to a film I auditioned on Friday with one of the most brilliant actors out there (William H. Macy); just heard his name the on the View while I was at the dentist (gack, grrr, bad gums). I could actually feel my mood sink into the floor.  A lot of childless/infertile people are annoyed to see a parade of kids in their newsfeed.   I’m annoyed to see other actors post about their latest gigs.  I don’t resent their success in the slightest, I really like those people or they wouldn’t be on my FB at all.  It just highlights my own insecurity, my own failings.  I want to be in the club of working actors, dammit, it’s fun there!   Then I had a dream last night about my agent hosting a reading to a film that I never had an audition for!  And yes, my peers were in it.

I went back to acting class on Friday.  I was quite hesitant but I really missed going. Anyway, I go and I meet this one actor for the first time and (talking about the web series that I’m doing) says “Oh, you’re the person  next to insert well known BFF’s name!”  I shit you not.  Here I was feeling invisible, needy, lonely and this complete stranger refers to me as the person standing next to the woman he does know, but he used both her names which implies not a friendship but rather a professional acknowledgement.  I replied rather frostily, “Yes, I’m Death Star, that was me.”

The last person I want to talk to is my agent.  The only feedback I want to hear coming from her mouth is that I booked a gig.  The most pathetic thing I used to do as an actor was call my agent every week and chit chat about all the movies in town that don’t have me in it.  (I called my agent anyway.  She’s trying to save me for bigger roles apparently.  I think she said that to make me feel better. I asked her to get feedback from a big audition last week and she said, oh, that casting director is so busy but I’ll try.)

Update:  the temp agency called and I took the job.  I’m hoping it’s just for one week (so I only miss one acting class) but it could be two. I could use the money.  It’s not far from where I live, but of course, it’s 45 minutes by bus and 10 minutes by car.  And now DH is starting up another job which will require some childcare…which we worked out.  Ah, so now I’ve joined the ranks of those who do this all the time.  I will also have to notify my agent that I will be unavailable for a bit.  I’m kind of nervous, I haven’t been in office in years but I’m also excited because I’m going to meet new people and hopefully it will be a good experience for everyone concerned.

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2 thoughts on “Hello insecurities, there you are!

  1. I have to frequently take FB breaks. It’s soooo good at feeding insecurities! Hope your agent isn’t giving you a line and really is saving you for bigger roles.

  2. I think the jealousy is normal and part of any endeavour which is powered by big emotions. Your self-esteem is wrapped up in acting (your career) as it was family building, etc. I feel the same thing with everything from babies to books.

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