My mother passed away peacefully Friday morning about 5 minutes after I arrived to be with her.  I had just told her that my sister was coming late that night.  I had some time with her and crawled beside her and held her and thanked her for everything she had done for me.  I sobbed, tears soaking her pillow beside her bed.  At the moment, I feel somewhat untethered.  Like a cord had been cut inside of me.  But being with my husband and my son helps a lot.  I am at peace with her passing and she is no longer suffering a poor quality of life.  I am grateful for the great memories we’ve had during the 12 years I’ve had with her here.

My younger sister arrived late that night and booked a hotel downtown (!) to  “help me out” (but of course now that our mother is gone it’s completely inconvenient as I live 10 km away across a bridge and does not help me out at all……) but not before my eldest sister called (and she never calls me) to demand to know what I was doing with the “arrangements” and that by dividing my mother’s ashes her spirit would never rest.  Which would make sense if she or my mother were Catholic, but they are not.

I did not see that coming. She didn’t even ask me how I was doing.

I guess if she had stayed beyond the 2 days when my mother had sepsis 2 years ago to discuss the funeral arrangements that me and my younger sister made (when we were told by doctors that she was dying), I’d give a rat’s ass what she thought.

It’s been 24 hours. What’s been wonderful is that I have had a flood of emails and texts from my Buddhist friends pledging daimoku to support me and my family.  It’s like a blanket of protection that gives me such comfort and happiness.  And I thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers and I have sincere appreciation for your words of comfort during this time.

16 thoughts on “Untethered

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I can certainly understand your feeling of peace at her passing, given her suffering. Nonetheless, it is hard, I know, to lose your mother.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss.
    I don’t know exactly what to say, but I am thinking of you, and sending you my best thoughts. The untethered feeling helps you find your current support pillars in your life, but it remains an excruciating experience to go through.

  3. I’ve been thinking of you so much. I’m glad you were surrounded by people who can abide with you. I remember that beautiful piece you wrote about your mother. It will stay with me and so too the awe I feel and have always felt in the face of your loving care of your mum. My love for you sweet Deathstar, friend Angela. Xoxo

  4. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are going through. You’ve lost your mother twice, and that’s just cruel. Thinking of you.

  5. I am so very sorry for your loss. In Judaism we have a saying when a loved ones dies. “May her memory be for a blessing.” It took me over a year to understand it, but I wish the blessed memories when the tears dry.

  6. I thought I had commented on this — perhaps it was on FB? I am so sorry, for the loss of your mom, for the behaviour of your siblings. But I’m so glad you are feeling at peace and supported. Sending much love. ❤

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