Grief and gratitude

So exhausted from not sleeping properly due to my lovely hacking cough, I decide to do more than one thing in my day.   First, I drove to see the naturopath.  So I’m going down a street with construction going on, note the flagperson to my left and do not see the sideview mirror of a pickup in the parked to my right and – BOOM! – there goes my sideview mirror from my own pickup. It took me a few seconds to realize what had happened.  I look back in my rearview mirror and see that the sideview mirror of that truck is just fine and mine is barely hanging on.  No one is yelling at me so I keep on driving and of course, cause I’m driving a damn pickup I can’t find a parking space anywhere so I’m now late.

Anyways….. after filling in my naturopath on what’s going on with me, she recommends an increase in my DHEA, and a couple of other supplements and I really hope it helps.  I confess my addiction to sugar and she suggests putting the contents of a gymnema of my tongue to block the taste of sweetness.  I’ll take it tomorrow, right now I gotta finish up these Fritt candies.

Of course, I had to run to a nearby drugstore and buy duct tape to I can fix up my sideview mirror so I can get back on the damn highway.

I race home, manage to throw out some old dining chairs out of the shed into back of the pickup without getting too filthy.  I would have liked to put in some other junk but I’m out of time.  Off I go to finally deal my with mum’s storage unit.  I had called that well known junk removal company to come and give me a quote, but really no matter how much it was, I was going through with it anyway.  The driver was super nice and I explained to him that my mother had passed away and I was feeling a bit fragile.  He understood and was very compassionate and told me that if at any time I changed my mind, they would stop.  As soon as they started loading up stuff, I started to lose it.  I start going through the suitcases (once again) grabbing this and that.  I had to pull myself away and go sit in my truck.  It’s raining.  I call my sister and start bawling my eyes out, apologizing for wasting so much money in keeping the stuff for so many years and how I just couldn’t see all that stuff and her handwriting and all the jumbled mess and not feel paralyzed and now that it was all going, my heart was breaking all over again.  And then my nose started bleeding.  Gushing red blood and I grab a dog towel cause every time I try to look through my purse for kleenex, it gets worse.  I knew it was just stuff, just stuff and none of it was really her and my sister assured me that my mother’s love was still with me.  I knew that. I knew that.   But when I saw them putting her stuff in a junk truck like it was just NOTHING, I could barely breathe.  Now all that is left is the piano and some art.  I got it together, my nose stops bleeding finally, paid them and then…. hubby arrives. It’s just good to see him but I don’t have time to talk.   I’m calm.  We swap vehicles.  I’ve got 20 minutes to drive downtown.

And then I go to an audition.  Just a couple of lines for a new show on cable.  I consider it a victory I arrive on time  (and at all) and get a parking spot right out front.  I go in the bathroom, fix my hair, brush off my clothes and have a few minutes to gather my thoughts.  I go into the audition, drained, but I manage to crank out one of my winning smiles before I start the scene. I’m not giving a shit about much.  But I’m not coughing at least.  The director and the producers are there.  They tell me “You nailed it”.  I’m stunned.  I don’t even know what to say.  It’s not that I’ve never had a compliment before but really I don’t give it that much weight as that doesn’t mean I have the part.  I just wanted to go home.

I buy cough syrup with codeine at the pharmacy, and actually sleep that night.

Today, 2 days later, I book the gig.   I was just getting out the shower, and my phone rang and when I saw it was my agent, I just didn’t want to hear about another audition, cause I was just fine with all I have going on right now.  I just wanted to feel better and organize hubby’s 50th this Saturday and the in laws are coming, etc.  But good news is good news.  The drought is over.  It’s just one day, but it’s a very well paid one for a change and I’m grateful.

Thanks, mum.


2 thoughts on “Grief and gratitude

  1. Awwwww, big (((((hugs))))) to you! Letting go of stuff is hard for me (and I’ve just been through a whole lot of that myself); it would be harder still if it was all my mom’s or grandma’s things. 😦 Glad your day had a silver lining, though!

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